I hooked my arm through Florian's and tried to sift through the mix of excitement and guilt that was churning in my gut. On the one hand, I was thrilled beyond all reason to be standing by his side, holding onto him like we belonged together. On the other, I was terrified somebody I knew would see us and tell our parents. I knew their finding out was an inevitability, but I wanted to tell them in my own way, in Flor's way.
I took a deep breath and leaned against the wall with Addi while Patrick disappeared to grab drinks for himself and Flor. Unlike Max at the concert, Flor stayed with me, scanning the crowd with a practiced eye. Crowded parties, drinks, half-dressed women, that was kind of his scene – only this time some of the 'half-dressed women' were actually dudes. I prayed most of the girls were lesbians, so I wouldn't have to worry about Flor getting hit on.
"Hey there, sweetheart," a man said, pausing next to us with a bright blue drink in his hand. Oh, and he wasn't talking to me. Flor turned on a bright grin and gave him a wink, arm sliding around my waist as he leaned in and spoke to me in a voice that was clearly meant to be heard.
"What do you think, fag hag? Is he good enough for me?" I gave the guy with a blue drink a once-over and shrugged, drawing a laugh from Flor, and sending the man away with a shake of his head and a roll of his eyes.
"I should've known that you weren't safe even in a gay club." I paused as another group of guys wandered by and ogled Flor. "Maybe especially in a gay club would be a better way to say it." Flor leaned in closer and put his lips against my ear, only this time when he sent a chill down my spine, it was on purpose. I knew for a fact that he was fully aware of what he was doing, and it was okay for me to like it. I swallowed back my usual shame and relaxed into him as the crowd around us swelled with newcomers. Music was playing, but nobody was dancing – yet. Since there was no cover for the over twenty-one, drinks were flowing like water, but both Theo and Yuu had assured me that I'd have fun anyway. Nobody gets to sit like a Sad Sack Sally in the corner when my junk is tucked and I've got Coral Queen No Smear Lipstick on my face. I'll make sure this a night you'll never forget. I took a deep breath.
"Relax, nee-chan," Flor said and my heart skipped over a beat. Was it okay for him to still call me that? I mean, was it weird that I liked it? Ugh. Where was the Dear Abby article regarding dating one's stepbrother? Or, since I lived in Eugene, even better would be Dan Savage's Savage Love column in the Eugene Weekly, our free local paper. I could see the article now: Dear Nee-Chan, thanks for writing and holy shit. You're dating your brother? Pretty sure that sentence alone gives you all the information you need to figure things out. Oh, and stop correcting everyone with the whole 'step' thing – we get it already. It's not incest, but it's still fucked up.
I swallowed hard and took another deep breath. I'd wanted this for so long, so, so, so, so long, and yet here I was having issues dealing with it.
Flor swept hair off the back of my neck and then used his body to push me into the wall. I could feel the long, hard length of his body pressing into me. When his lips found mine, touching down for the briefest of searing kisses, my knees turned to jelly and my doubts retreated into the shadows of the club.
"Relax. I mean it. Don't make me take you into the bathroom for a fuck. Pretty sure all of the stalls are full already, so it'd just be me and you and a sink in front of everybody." I shivered, not entirely put off by the idea. "This is our first, like official thing together." Flor stood up and I caught Addi raising an eyebrow at me. "Let's make it count, okay?"
"For once, I have to agree with the asshole. If you're going to take the risk, enjoy it." I nodded and shook out my shoulders, smoothing my hands over the shiny black top that Addison had forced on me. When Flor had seen the halter draped over my bare shoulders, he'd been firmly on her side. Dick.
I looked up into Flor's green eyes, watched the smile curve up the corner of his lip. The question wasn't would I risk everything to have him, but rather would I give up everything to keep him. Since I knew the answer to the latter question was a resounding yes!, I made myself smile back and push up onto my tiptoes to kiss his lips again. By the time Patrick returned with Flor's drink, we were locked in a make out session that turned my cheeks pink and made me ridiculously aware of how many people were in the room around us – only I couldn't stop. Apparently neither could he because he took the drink in his right hand and kept the left around my waist.
When the lights dimmed and Theo's voice boomed out of the speakers mounted in the corners of the room, I finally pulled away and forced my attention to the stage. I would revel in this moment, drink it in, recall every sparkly sequin on Yuu's strangely beautiful pink dress.
"I've never seen a real drag show before," I whispered to Flor as he draped himself over my shoulders and let the crowd push us close, close, closer.
"And I've never been in love before," he whispered back, making my entire body flush hot. Before I could ask him how he felt about that, Theo had handed off his mic and started in on a lip sync to Katy Perry's Peacock.
So much for deep conversation. I smiled and let his words comfort a part of me that had spent too many years in turmoil. My heart.
By the time the actual show was over, and I had images in my head of Theo and Yuu that I could never scrub clean, the crowd was good and liquored up, bouncing in tandem with Marina and the Diamonds' song, Primadonna. Flor had disappeared some time ago, drawn away by the momentum in the club. Addi and I had split off from the boys for a while to dance with Theo and Yuu, but now that the song was winding to an end, I felt a familiar pang of anxiety. I didn't want to walk off and find Flor with a girl pinned to the wall like I had with Max.
I snuck away from Addi and checked out the restrooms first, but when I didn't find him, I squeezed out the narrow entrance in the front and looked down the sidewalk. I found Flor to my right, about a block down. And yes, he had someone pinned to the wall. Only this time, it wasn't a girl, but Max. A familiar froth of blonde hair stood to the side with her arms crossed and lips turned down in a frown. Rhonda.
I hurried down the sidewalk towards them, cursing the high heeled boots on my feet. Damn you, Addi, and your perfect fashion sense. Flor saw me coming and released his friend, stepping back and tucking his fingers into his front pockets. Max saw me and licked a drop of blood from his lip, swiping his hand across his mouth before he turned away and stared intently at a crack in the sidewalk. Rhonda, though, she met my eyes just fine.
"Hi Abi," she said and I forced myself to smile. I couldn't get any words to come out. My eyes darted between Flor and Max, obviously in some sort of argument if the blood was any indication of what was going on between them.
"Came out to smoke and saw these assholes leaving the studio," Flor said, reaching into his back pocket for a pack. He pulled out a cigarette and lit up. "I've been getting so much shit from this asshole and then I find out he's fucking my ex?"
"You're fucking mine," Max shot back and the two boys stiffened like they might get into it again. I'd seen them fight before, but the intensity in the air right now was stifling. Still, Max was my childhood friend as much as he was Flor's. I wanted to make things right. I had to, for my own state of mind.
"Yeah, but come on, you were cheating on us just the same as we were cheating on you and then you have the audacity to get all preachy with me?"
Cheating?
I stared at Flor, his sharp green eyes sliding back to mine. Smoke curled from his lips and rested in the still air in round curls. Huh.
"You're fucking your sister, dude!" Max shouted back, not denying the allegations. Rhonda kept staring at me, but didn't bother to say anything. "Seriously? If anyone is more in the wrong, it's you. What'd you do? Work your charm on her like you do every other girl? Did you fuck every girl in Oregon, run out of chicks, so you had to go for family?"
Flor's cigarette tumbled from his mouth and he moved forward like he was going to hit his friend again, but I stepped between them. Max was cheating with Rhonda? Seriously? Since when?
"Stop," I said, my heart breaking as I looked between the people standing in front of me. "Max," I said, putting on my most reasonable tone of voice. "Honestly, if you were cheating on me … I deserved it. I mean, it wasn't like Flor and I … " I trailed off and licked my lips. This was my chance to put this part of my life right. If I had Addi and Max by my side, I could tackle my parents, no matter what the outcome was. Flor, Max, Addi, Dad, and my stepmom, River, were the constants in my life. Three out of five gave me good odds. "How long?"