I raised a hand and brushed the hair from my forehead.
"I know they're not dead, son, don't be a smart aleck. I'm simply recalling fond memories. Based on your and Max's behavior today, it might be beneficial for you to do the same, remember some of the things that have helped you to remain friends for so long."
"Don't shrink me, Mom," Flor said, looking up, the edge of his lip twitching as he reached out and brushed his thumb across my forehead. "Only a few minutes in and you've already got it in your hair," he said, sucking the butter-sugar mixture from his fingertip while I watched, transfixed.
"This whole thing just seems silly to me anyway," she griped, adding ingredients to her own bowl without even glancing at the recipe. "Why would you confront Max out on the driveway like that? And I thought you said Rhonda couldn't make it? Why was she even in the car with him? I feel like there's more to this than you're telling me."
Neither Flor nor I said a word and she sighed yet again.
"I was in such a hurry today I left my new cookie sheets in the backseat of my car. Stay here and try not to mess up your dough while I'm gone."
River wiped her hands on her apron and disappeared, leaving Flor and me in a strange companionable silence.
"What did you mean by that?" Flor asked me, voice rough. I glanced up and had to resist the urge to reach out and brush my fingers over his swollen face.
"Mean by what?"
"That you can't stop loving me."
I swallowed hard. The words seemed pretty obvious to me, not to mention embarrassing, and the last thing I felt like doing was trying to explain them.
"What did you mean?" I countered, glancing over at the yellowing pages of the cookbook I was supposed to be learning from. "By pulling me into that bathroom?" My cheeks flushed red, but I pretended I didn't notice, cracking two eggs into my mixture instead.
"It wasn't about meaning, Abigail. It was about need."
"So just sex then?" I asked and Flor sighed, just like his mother.
"If it was just about sex, I would've grabbed Rhonda," he told me and my stomach twisted with that same old, same old jealousy that I'd been fostering for years. I looked up and watched as Flor cracked an egg in his bowl, dropping several pieces of shell along with it. He didn't even hesitate to start picking them out with his fingers. Good thing River wasn't in the room to see it.
Flor moved over to the trash to deposit his shells and then rinsed his hands in the sink, the water sluicing between his colored fingers, over the stars and moons that decorated his knuckles. I watched as he dried them off on a dish towel and then moved back around me, pausing directly behind me like he was waiting for something. Having him there made me nervous, so I forced myself to keep talking, like maybe my words would keep the awkwardness at bay. Besides, I needed the truth and he seemed like he was in an okay mood considering.
"If it wasn't about sex, then what?" I asked, and another few seconds of silence passed before I felt his breath on the nape of my neck, his arm sliding around my waist.
"I already told you, need." He pressed his mouth to my skin and then just held me there, like we were a couple, like touching me was something that was okay. It felt good, but I was getting tired of this back and forth from him. I needed answers. I also needed to know if this sudden change in attitude was just a coping mechanism. I mean, part of me was relieved that Rhonda was out of the picture, but the idea that Flor hadn't been brave enough or willing enough to break up with her on his own bothered me. If she hadn't found out, then what would've happened? "I know I have to stay away from you, Abi, but it isn't easy. Do you think I want this? If I could wave a magic wand and make these feelings go away, I would."
I jerked away from him, taking my bowl with me.
"Well I wouldn't," I snapped, my feelings hurt yet again. "You don't just trade love away, no matter how painful it is." I heard his breath catch, but he didn't say anything, just ran his fingers through his hair. A minute later, River came back in carrying her new cookie trays. My dad followed in after her and surveyed the scene in the kitchen with a blank facial expression. I shouldn't have cared what he thought about me and Max, but then again, he had the power to change my life in ways I wouldn't like. Pull my tuition money, evict me from my stepmom's building, take away my car. I made myself smile at him.
"I don't want to see Max around here for awhile," he grumbled, and that was that. He left the room without another word as I clenched the wooden spoon in my hand and tried not to scream. One step forward, two steps back.
River noticed my reaction and put a hand on my shoulder.
"Don't let him get to you, Abi. He's struggling with the idea that you're an adult now and can make your own decisions. This isn't about Max or sex or the fight today, just a man struggling with change."
"You're shrink talking again, kaa-chan," Flor murmured, head down, pretending to be completely and utterly focused on his cookie dough. If he was anything like me – and I knew we had a lot in common – then he was probably wondering what might've happened if my dad really knew what today had been all about.
"I just want Abi to know that her father is a logical man who must realize that his daughter is growing up and that it's time for her to make her own decisions." She smiled and touched a hand to her belly. "Hopefully when this one comes, it'll get you off the hook for a while, give you a little breathing room." I felt Flor's gaze on me, but refused to look up. What was there to say? Pretending this baby wasn't coming wouldn't help either of us. A new little brother or sister, a link to tie Flor and I together forever, but not in the way I wanted. If we ever had a kid, this child would be their aunt or uncle on both sides. Not an ideal situation, obviously.
I added vanilla to my bowl and continued stirring.
"We're a family," River continued, making my stomach tight and my head swim. She reached out to squeeze my arm and smiled, her next words meant as a comfort and not as the poisonous barb that felt like it was being lodged in my throat. "You, me, Flor, your father, and this baby. And nothing will ever change that."
Fate can be wicked cruel, can't it? I scooted closer to my side of the couch and pretended I didn't notice River's absence between Flor and me, that empty space of couch that seemed to beckon at the same time it repelled. I twisted my stepmother's blue and white afghan around in my fingers and kept my eyes on the screen. It didn't escape my notice that this scenario was eerily similar to the one we'd experienced our first night together.
"It's late," Flor mumbled, glancing over at me. "You should go." I grabbed my cell from the arm of the couch and checked the time: it was past one in the morning. I had a few texts from Addison that I'd responded to with the bare minimum, promising to explain in greater detail later. I knew as soon as she had the full story (i.e. the part about Flor and me in his bathroom), that I was going to get it. Maybe going home was actually the worse of two options?
"I was thinking of just staying the night," I responded without glancing at him. My words, as innocent as they were, seemed to coat the room in tension, heighten that sense of something that always lingered in the air between us. The thing was, I didn't much feel like going home, didn't want to answer Addi's questions, didn't want to be separated from Flor. Other than our illicit night on the roof together, we hadn't slept in the same place in years. "If that's okay with you," I added and he shrugged, stretching his legs out so that his bare feet were just inches from my thigh. "I figured I'm already in my pajamas anyway." I tried to smile, wondering what Flor thought of me in the faded baggy shirt and pants I was wearing. Next time I went to my old dresser for clothes, I was going to be sorely disappointed. This was definitely the last of it. "Are the kittens going to be okay?" I asked and Flor sighed.
"Max can be a dick sometimes, but even he won't let a bunch of orphans go hungry." I watched Flor run a hand down his arm, fingers playing across the brightness of his tattoos. "Besides, if he thinks this situation is permanent or even long lasting, he's got another thing coming. We own a fucking business together." My stepbrother bit the words off like they hurt. He and Max had always been close. Hell, Max and I had always been close. There had to be some way to repair this thing between the three of us.