My dad's blue eyes traveled between the two of us and I had to swallow hard and struggle not to be alarmed by the intense look in them. He sensed something. Oh my God. What would he do if he found out? I couldn't even imagine. He'd think I was a freak, a pervert, call me an incestuous whore and kick me out of his life.
My nerves had never been stretched so taut.
"What?" Flor snapped back at his mom. River narrowed her eyes on her son and then glanced over at me with pursed lips. So she felt it, too. Great.
"How's Rhonda?" she asked again, trying her very best to keep calm. I could see her irritation in the set of her slender shoulders. "You haven't mentioned her once tonight."
"Oh, uh," Flor began, looking back at me. I kept my face neutral, or at least I tried. My dad had already commented on my puffy eyes and swollen face; I'd been crying all day. I'd lied and told him I'd gotten an F on my chem test, and he'd actually hugged me. And then he'd lectured me on the importance of keeping up my grades, warning me against future failures. I squeezed my hands into fists. "Rhonda is fine, but she wants to move too fast. I think I'm going to break up with her."
"Really?" River asked skeptically, reaching out and squeezing her son's hand. "Florian, this is the only girl you've ever brought home. She must be special. What exactly does she want?"
"She wants to get engaged," Florian said, stuffing his mouth full of mashed potatoes, so he didn't need to elaborate. I stared at his face, trying to keep the shock off of mine.
"Hmm," River mused, looking over at me. "What did you think of her, Abi?" I quickly copied Flor and stuffed food into my mouth, so I didn't have to answer right away.
"Nee-chan doesn't like her, do you, Abigail?" Flor asked, putting down his fork and reaching into his pocket for a pack of cigarettes.
"Outside, Florian," my dad warned as my stepbrother pushed his chair back and watched me carefully. I looked down at the carpet and shrugged.
"She was okay, I guess," I whispered. In all reality, I wasn't that worried about Rhonda. Flor had brought her home, but … I'd seen him look at other girls a hell of a lot more seriously. Rhonda wasn't going to make it much longer than any of the others.
"You know," River said, grabbing Flor's arm and extracting the cigarettes from him. She placed them on the tablecloth and patted his chair. River and my father were pretty old fashioned when it came to dinner. You ate together until everyone was done. Flor frowned at her, but sat back down. Sometimes, I forgot that he was only twenty-one; his eyes seemed so much older. "That reminds me. Whatever happened to that sweet boy you were dating, Abi? Addison's friend?"
Crap.
I called out my brother's name in bed.
"He … didn't work out," I answered, trying to avoid the subject of Max.
"Didn't Abi tell you?" Flor said in his best know-it-all asshole tone. "She's dating Max now."
My father seriously started choking on his green beans.
My stepmom patted his back until he calmed down and then they both stared across the table at me.
"Abigail," my father began and I felt my cheeks heating. Shit. "Does Max have anything to do with the bad grade on your exam?" Underneath his words were all the things he couldn't say with Flor and my stepmom around. Max is no good. He's a loser, just like your brother. He's exactly the sort of man that will ruin your life and smile in the rearview mirror as he drives away. I knew that my dad was desperate not to see me screw up my life for a guy, or make a mistake choosing a partner like he had with my mom, but the look in his eyes still stung.
"Yeah, Abi," Flor said, leaning back and weaving his fingers together behind his head, "does he?" I wanted to pick my fork up and throw it at him, but instead, I just folded my hands in my lap and shook my head. I won't think about that kiss today or the one last night. I won't think about Flor's words either. Why should I, if he didn't really mean them?
I knew that I loved you then. I think I always had, but … it took me until that moment to realize it.
I looked straight back at Flor, met his eyes across the dinner table like I'd done a thousand times when we were kids. When we were really little, before Flor had discovered girls and started breaking my heart, we'd passed notes to each other under the table. In fact … I reached up and traced my fingers along the wood, searching for something that I knew couldn't possibly be there but was anyway.
My notebook.
Flor and I had taped miniature notebooks and pencils at each of our seats, so we could communicate quietly while our parents droned on. Like I said, family dinners had always been long, dictated by good manners and polite waiting. This was made even worse when my stepmom or dad had clients or colleagues over to eat. The notes had made it all worth it and now, years after we'd written our last notes, mine was still stuck to the table.
"Max and I … we're breaking up, too. Looks like Flor and I are both single again." I adjusted my fork and let it clink against my plate, using the noise to disguise the sound of the ancient tape peeling away from the table. I yanked it into my lap and flicked open the front cover while my father and stepmother exchanged yet another look.
I miss you when you're gone.
My own handwriting stared right back at me as I struggled to fight back tears. Here was a note I never sent, that got forgotten as Flor and I had gotten older, as he'd started leaving the house more, skipping dinner more.
I traced my fingers over the pale yellow paper, the daisies printed across the top of the page.
"Oh, come on, Abi, Max is my best friend. We've been friends for, God, almost as long as I've known you." I looked up at Flor, at his cruel smile and wondered what the hell he was doing. I decided to ask him, crossing out the I miss you and scribbling what the hell are you trying to do? in its place. "If he's done something to hurt you, you should tell me. I'll give him a talking to, clear up this little misunderstanding."
"Maybe it's for the best," my dad grumbled, wiping his mouth with a napkin and taking a sip of his wine. "I never really liked that boy anyway."
"Art," River warned, giving Flor a look. I watched as my stepbrother narrowed his eyes on his stepfather. The two of them had always had an odd relationship. Even if, somehow, Flor would stop being an asshole and we could figure out some way to make things work between us, my dad would never accept it. He hardly accepted Flor as the distant stepson he barely saw anymore. As my lover? A future husband? Father to my kids? Kids who would only have one set of grandparents between us. Eww. I swallowed hard and, even though Flor and I weren't at all related to one another, felt a flutter of disgust in my belly. Too bad it did little to stifle the desire I felt for him.
As was our signal so long ago, I kicked Flor under the table and held my hand underneath, stretched out as far as I could without rousing suspicion. If he didn't remember the notes or the signal, I was going to look like even more of an idiot than I already felt like.
But there, his fingers, warm and comforting and oh so familiar, curling around mine, fingertips sliding along my palm as he extracted the note from my hand.
A flush crept up the back of my neck and my heart sang inside my chest. Stupid. I couldn't even believe that I was still feeling this way after what had happened today.
Of course I want to fuck you. What guy wouldn't? But I've resisted for years because, obviously, there's a little something standing between us. We're family and you don't fuck your family, Abi.
Flor hunched over, pretending to check out and stare down at his lap, something he'd often done anyway, just to show how little he really wanted to be here anymore. I watched him read the note and then glance up at me. Our eyes met again and my heart sped up, galloping along at an unnatural speed that threatened to make me feel faint. Why did he have to be so beautiful? That tight T-shirt, those muscles, those freaking eyes. But I had a feeling that no matter what Flor looked like, I'd have found him beautiful anyway. Love is weird like that, and I loved him, I did.
Just not as a brother, more like a childhood friend. Like a boy. Like a man.
I turned away and reached out to finger my water glass.
"Boys can be quite the distraction, can't they, Abi?" River said with a sympathetic smile. Her mouth was so like Flor's, her eyes green like his, only not as piercing. "But just remember that there's nothing more important than a good education."