"Then what did you come to talk about?" he asked, and I felt my breath hitch. Do it, Abigail. Do it before you think better of it.
I spun in my seat and I knew I looked desperate, that I'd lost all of my earlier confidence.
"Flor." His name fell from my lips like a promise.
The second that syllable slid over my tongue, I saw his eyes widen. His unlit cigarette fell from his mouth and hit the seat, bouncing off to land on the floor.
"Flor," I said again, forcing myself to clear my throat. If I was going to do this, to say this, I had to sound strong.
"No," he said suddenly, his voice little more than a whisper.
I paused and my hesitation cost me everything.
"No," he said again, opening up his door.
"Flor, wait!" I said, confused, hurt, not understanding what was going on.
"No, Abigail, no," he said suddenly, spinning back to me and reaching out with those beautiful fingers, taking hold of my chin. "Don't say it. Don't."
"You don't even know what I'm going to say," I whispered back, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. Shock took over, temporarily replacing my pain, when Florian leaned over and kissed the drops from the corners of my eyelids.
"I know what you're going to say, but the answer is no, and I can't, and I have to go." He pulled his hand back and stepped out onto the sidewalk, pausing again to lean down and look me straight in the face. His expression was unreadable. "Don't ever say it, Abigail, because if you do … if you do … "
"Hey, you!"
It was Addison, a cloth shopping bag in one hand and a smile on her face. She raised her other hand to wave at us from across the street. I should've known she'd rather play hooky and go shopping than go to class. Glancing over at her gave Flor enough time to shut the door and take a step back before I spun towards him again, ripping off my seatbelt and scooting over towards the passenger seat, curling my fingers around the open window.
"Flor," I called out, but he was already moving away, down the street and towards the bus station. "Flor!" He didn't stop, didn't turn around and look at me. I watched him walk away, watched him slump down on the bench and stay there. I could've gone after him, physically anyway, but emotionally? I felt liquid on my cheeks and reached up to touch my tears.
I couldn't even tell him how I felt, couldn't get this off my chest; he wouldn't let me. This pain, this shame I had inside of me, it was starting to look like I'd be stuck with it forever.
My heart felt like it was in the middle of an emotional apocalypse, like I was looking at a world suddenly stripped of color. If I'd thought harboring these feelings for so long had been difficult, knowing that Flor had purposely denied me the chance to admit to them was even worse. But why, Flor? Why? Why look at me so tenderly, touch me so sweetly, and then run off like that? Nobody's ever kissed my eyelids before. It was that gentle touch that had really undone me.
Don't ever say it, Abigail, because if you do …
If I did, then what could possibly happen? And did he even know what I was going to say? Was that it? Or was there some sort of cosmic misunderstanding here that was shooting us both in the foot?
I rolled over and grabbed my Pepsi off the nightstand, twisting off the cap and bringing it to my lips. This is what my heart feels like, like a bottle of soda. It was a stupid analogy, not very poetic or Shakespearean, but it was true. You could shake the bottle as much as you wanted and as long as you didn't open the top, all the fizz would stay inside. Well, too late. I'd been shaken and stirred and dipped and dropped all my life, tossed around by my emotions for Flor like debris in a tornado, and now, I'd popped the top. And Flor, that know-it-all asshole, had tried to shove the cap back on.
Too late.
I was already bubbling over with hurt and confusion and regret. I should've kept my big mouth shut.
"Are you being contemplative again?" Addi asked, pausing in the doorway to my bedroom. She was all dolled up, eyes traced with gold and black and lips lined in red, making me feel even less like a human and more like a mop. A saggy, dirty, droopy, wet mop. "Because we don't have time for that. I haven't even done your makeup yet. Here, I brought you some goodies to make you feel better."
I eyed these supposed presents suspiciously. Sometimes, I thought Addison just bought me clothes because she liked to dress me up, like I was her own personal doll or something. Or maybe it had to do with the whole 'motherless vacuum' thing. Granted, River and I had never had that sort of relationship, the kind where you go shopping together and hang out. Maybe I needed this? "Come on, get up, get dressed, and forget about Satan's Spawn for a little while. Stop playing these games with him."
Addi moved over to stand next to me, giving the homework spread across my bed a dirty look. Draped over her right arm was a sultry little party dress in burnished bronze. It had a high neckline, but was scandalously short; it was also way too fancy for a night at the movies. Which I should never have agreed to in the first place. I felt tired just thinking about it, especially considering there was a shoe box in the crook of her other arm. The shoes inside were probably fabulous, but also potentially deadly; I wasn't used to walking on stilts. Addison was a notorious shopaholic, but she'd already modeled the new outfit she'd bought for the evening. This could only mean one thing.
"Just Satan, remember? Not Satan's Spawn. And the dress better be the only goody you have for me tonight," I said, closing my chemistry textbook and sitting up on my bed. I'd also agreed – reluctantly – to a double date with Addi and Patrick. One, because I was sick and tired of sulking around the apartment and two, because Max had suddenly upped his game. He'd brought me flowers, stayed in and pigged out on ice cream during girls' night with Addi, even taken me on a romantic dinner date. I still wasn't much in the mood for going out, but I was making an effort. "There is no way I'm going to squeeze into that thing." The fabric shimmered as Addi thrust it out at me, her skintight zebra patterned dress only emphasizing how skinny she really was. Yesterday, she'd locked herself in the bathroom and dyed her ecstatic curls a white-blonde color. At first I wasn't sure about it¸ but it was growing on me. Or maybe she was just too hip for me. I fingered my brunette curls and sighed.
"Oh, stop that," Addi said, dropping her arms by her sides and tilting her head to glare at me. "So Flor freaked out and acted like the weirdo we always knew he was. It's been a week, bitch. Get up and let's go." She marched over to me and dropped the dress and shoes on the white bedspread. "I spent good money on that stuff, so don't say a word. You are wearing it."
I sighed and groaned, leaning back into the pillows and pressing the heels of my hands against my eyes. Addi's favorite perfume, some sort of cinnamon-vanilla mixture, wafted around me as she leaned over and whispered into my ear.
"Oh, and we're not seeing a movie tonight. There's a concert at the WOW Hall. We're going."
I pulled my hands away from my eyes.
"The WOW Hall?" I asked, pushing myself up onto my elbows. The WOW Hall was a little concert venue a few blocks from our apartment. I'd frequented it with my friends in high school, getting drunk on whatever we could find before we even hit the front door, and then watching bands whose names I'd already forgotten.
I wrinkled my nose.
Those were not my fondest memories, foggy and forgettable evenings drinking Everclear and trying to show Flor that I was just as boss and badass as he was (which was actually so not true). Only, at that point he'd already moved out, so he wasn't even around to see me make a fool of myself. To me, a concert at the WOW Hall meant a tightly packed venue, sweaty bodies, ear splitting bass beats, and probably a mosh pit or two or three. I already had a pulsing headache from trying to deal with the follow-up questions to my spectroscopy lab in forensic chemistry; those were the last things I needed, and I told Addison so.
"Get up, get dressed," she repeated, fluffing her hair and checking her makeup briefly in my vanity mirror, yet another gift from my stepmom, another random, insignificant reminder that Flor and me equaled impossible. "I invited Theo and his new boyfriend, Yuu, to go with us. Actually, it was kind of his idea in the first place." She paused and had the decency to look at least a little guilty when she added, "I may or may not have told him everything. By the way, he says Flor throws more shade than a beach umbrella, whatever that means." Addi smoothed her hands over the sequins on her dress in a nervous gesture. "You're not upset, are you? I know the wound's still raw."