***
I lay my head back on the couch and let out a deep sigh. This glimpse inside of his head was killing me. I needed to take another break from the book because an incredible amount of anxiety was building about where this story was going.
I was running late for my friend’s 30th birthday party at Club Underground on top of that. I couldn’t exactly skip out because I’d been one of the organizers along with a couple of my co-workers.
I decided I would take a shower, get dressed then take my kindle with me to sneak in reading whenever I could tonight while I was out. My device showed that I only had 15-percent left in the book. I assumed I’d be fine to finish it in public.
You know what they say about assuming things.
CHAPTER 20
The night was unexpectedly chilly as I stood on the corner and tried to hail a cab. The thin red dress I was wearing was definitely fitting for Club Underground, but I probably should have taken a jacket.
Sully texted me.
Have fun tonight!
I’d tried to convince her to come out with me, but she said she had a date with an electric razor for her monthly “lady parts” grooming night. TMI for sure, especially when in reality, they weren’t lady parts at all.
We’d rented a small private room with a bar for the party. This would have seemed like an epic night were I not so preoccupied with finishing the book.
I finally caught a cab.
“West 16th Street.”
I slammed the door and immediately wasted no time getting my kindle out.
***
After we left the steakhouse, my funk was back in full force. Greta had gone to get us some drinks while I went to buy more chips.
I sat down at a table to wait for her when out of nowhere tears just started streaming down my face. It made no sense because there hadn’t even been a preceding thought. It seemed to just be the release of everything that had been bottled up. This was the last place I wanted to break down. Once the tears started, they wouldn’t stop.
In a self-punishing way, I added fuel to the fire and started to focus on things that made it worse. I sometimes blamed myself for coming into the world and making Randy’s life miserable. I wondered if he and Mami’s marriage would have lasted were it not for me. Deep down, there was always an underlying hope that things would turn around, that he and I could look each other in the eyes someday and see something other than hate—that he would tell me he really loved me even though he didn’t know how to show it.
That would never happen now.
I looked up to find Greta standing there watching me as she held a drink in each hand.
I licked a hot teardrop off my lips. “Don’t look at me, Greta.”
She put the drinks down and immediately pulled me into her.
In Greta’s arms, the tears were multiplying. My hands dug into her back in a silent plea for her not to let go yet. I eventually calmed down.
“I hate this. I shouldn’t be crying for him. Why am I crying for him?”
“Because you loved him.”
“He hated me.”
“He hated whatever he saw in you that reminded him of himself. He didn’t hate you. He couldn’t have. He just didn’t know how to be a father.”
It surprised me how close to being right she was despite her not knowing my secret. Randy hated what he saw in me that reminded him of Patrick.
“There’s a lot I haven’t told you. The screwed up thing is, after all the shit we went through, I still wanted to make him proud of me someday, wanted him to love me.”
I let out a deep breath because I’d never admitted that to anyone.
“I know you did,” she said softly.
Looking into her eyes reminded me that I was staring into the soul of the first person who’d ever actually succeeded at making me feel loved. For that, I would be eternally grateful to her.
“Where would I be tonight without you?”
“I’m glad I got to be the one with you tonight.”
“I’ve never cried in front of anyone before. Not once.”
“There’s a first time for everything.”
“There’s a bad joke in there somewhere. You know that, right?”
We laughed. I loved her laugh.
“You make me feel things, Greta. You always have. When I’m around you, whether it’s good or bad…I feel everything. Sometimes, I don’t handle it too well, and I fight it by acting like an asshole. I don’t know what it is about you, but I feel like you see the real me. The second I saw you again for the first time at Greg’s when you were standing in that garden…it was like I couldn’t hide behind myself anymore.” I touched her face. “I know it was hard for you to see me with Chelsea. I know you still care about me. I can feel it even when you’re pretending you’ve stopped.”