Clutching my own arms protectively, I stood across from him. I didn’t know what to say or do and couldn’t even look him in the eye. Now was not the time to completely freeze up, but that was exactly what was happening to me.
I looked up at the sky, down at the ground, over at the luggage handlers…anywhere but at Elec. I knew as soon as I looked into his eyes, I would lose it.
His tone was gruff. “Look at me.”
I shook my head and refused as the first teardrop fell. I wiped my eye and continued to look away from him. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me right now.
When I finally looked into his eyes, I was shocked to see them watering, too.
“It’s okay,” I said. “Go. Please. Text me if you want. It’s just…I can’t do a long goodbye…not with you.”
“Okay,” he simply said.
I leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before rushing back to the car and slamming the door.
He reluctantly picked up his bag and walked away toward the entrance.
When I saw the automatic doors finally close behind him, I leaned my head against the steering wheel. My shoulders shook as I let the tears I’d been struggling to hide fall freely. It was only a matter of time before someone told me to leave since this was only a temporary drop off area. I just couldn’t seem to move.
Sure enough, someone knocked on my window.
“I’m going. I’m going,” I said without even looking up. As I was about to start my car, the person knocked again.
I looked to my right to find Elec standing there.
I frantically wiped my tears and got out of the car, walking around to him. “Did you forget something?”
He dropped his bag and nodded yes. He startled me when he suddenly took my face in his hands and kissed my lips tenderly. It felt like I was melting in his arms. My tongue instinctively tried to enter his mouth, but he didn’t open for me. He just kept his lips pressed hard against mine as he breathed erratically. This was a different kind of a kiss, not one that leads to something, but a hard, painful one.
It was a goodbye kiss.
I pulled back. “Get out of here. You’re gonna miss your flight.”
He wouldn’t take his hands off of my face. “I never got over hurting you the first time, but hurting you twice…believe me when I say this was the last thing I ever wanted to see happen in my lifetime.”
“Why did you come back just now?”
“I turned around and saw you crying. What kind of a heartless asshole would leave you like that?”
“Well, you weren’t supposed to see that. You really should have kept walking because now you’re making it worse.”
“I didn’t want that to be my last visual.”
“If you really love her, you shouldn’t have kissed me.”
I hadn’t meant to yell it.
“I do love her.” He looked up at the sky then back at me with anguished eyes. “You want to know the truth? I fucking love you, too. I don’t think I realized how much until I saw you again.”
He loved me?
I laughed angrily. “You love us both? That’s messed up, Elec.”
“You’ve always told me you wanted honesty. I just gave it to you. I’m sorry if the truth is a fucked up mess.”
“Well, she has the home court advantage. You’ll forget about me again soon enough. That will simplify things.” I walked back around to the driver’s side.
“Greta…don’t leave like this.”
“I’m not the one leaving.”
I closed the door, turned the ignition and drove away. I only looked in the rearview mirror once and saw Elec standing in the same spot. Maybe my reaction was unfair, but if he was being honest with his feelings, then so was I.
All I could think about on the drive home was how life could be cruel. The “one that got away” was supposed to stay away, not come back and leave you all over again.
When I pulled into my driveway, I noticed an envelope on the passenger seat. It was the one thousand dollars cash I’d given him. That meant any money we’d spent last night was his. There was a note inside.
I just didn’t want you to gamble it. I could never repay you for everything you’ve given me, let alone take money from you.
***
Two months after Elec returned to California, I was finally getting back to a regular routine in New York.
My mother had come to stay with me for the first month after Randy’s death but decided that she wasn’t happy living away from Boston. With Greg and Clara looking out for her and my visiting every other weekend, she was adjusting as well as could be to her new normal.
Elec and I hadn’t contacted each other at all. It was a little bit of a let down to not have received even a text, especially after how we left things, but I wasn’t going to be the first to make contact. For all I knew, I’d never hear from him again.