I sputtered out a laugh. “Yeah, okay.”
“And the button ups,” she added with a bright smile scrunching up her nose, “and stop covering your ass and biceps—”
“Everyone has their choice of armor,” I swallowed then quickly looked away.
“What made you think you ever needed it?” she asked in a soft voice.
I opened my mouth then closed it. Nobody had ever asked me that and I had no clue how to answer. Or maybe I Just wasn’t comfortable exploring all the reasons. So instead, I deflected. “What’s yours?”
“Oh, I’m special I didn’t have just one,” she said in a flat tone. “Let’s see… first it was this guy Will Sutherland, and when I discovered you couldn’t actually use flawed humans as armor, I switched to something that would help me stay up late on set so I wouldn’t mess up my lines anymore, and when I couldn’t sleep, I chose an armor that made me feel as warm as Will Sutherland arms used to feel before he hit it even bigger than before, and then the blanket choked me, it promised comfort — but in the end, death.” She looked away. “And then, it seemed the only choice I had, after losing all sense of comfort, purpose, identity — reputation. Was to become a bitch, that way,” She sighed heavily, “Nothing could ever get close enough to keep me warm again, not when you purposely choose the cold. Not when you choose discomfort.”
“Your first choice in armor was your first mistake,” I said.
She locked eyes with me. “The most favorite mistake I’ve ever made.”
YOU KNOW THAT feeling you get when you know you’ve said too much of the heavy things that should really never be spoken out loud in the first place? I had that feeling, in my stomach the entire time we walked down to the beach. Will didn’t seem to mind my silence, but I minded. I minded that I’d basically exposed myself to him a very vulnerable way and he’d chosen silence. Again.
And the more I thought about it the more disappointed I became.
Until Demetri’s words hit me all over again like a sense of Déjà Vu when I saw his face near the bonfire.
“He doesn’t hate you. He hates himself.”
I stumbled into the sand, Will gripped my arm and kept me from planting my face in the dirt. “You okay?”
“I don’t hate you.” I said the same thing that the guys had said to me over and over again this past week. I looked up at Will and spoke slower, with more meaning. “I could never hate you, Will. Ever. No matter what’s been said, you aren’t easy to hate. You’re just easy to miss, which means it’s easy to be sad and turn that sadness into anger, especially when I blame myself.”
“There isn’t a chance in hell I’m ever letting you believe this was all on you, Ang. Not now, not ever, I’ve been thinking and—”
“You guys made it!” Zane yelled, “Come on!”
“Later,” he whispered, gripping my hand so tight I couldn’t let go even if I wanted to. He held it the entire way to the bonfire.
And before I even felt the flames.
I felt heat.
The Sutherland Sunset folks — a real phenomenon.
“I thought you weren’t going to come.” Fallon jumped over and gave Will a side hug and handed me a bag of mallows. “Hide these just in case we run out, I’m not going back to the store again because Zane has no self-control.”
I winked. “Got it.”
“What are you going to do, sit on them?” Will asked.
“Or…” I quickly dropped them to the sand and covered them up. “I’ll just bury them.”
“I always knew I liked you.” Fallon grinned and walked off to join Zane while I made sure my marshmallow nest was covered so the greedy little rock star wouldn’t find it and steal the goods.
“All right, calm down people.” Jay raised his hands high. “I know I promised we wouldn’t talk about work—”
Alec groaned, and Demetri gave him the middle finger.
The rest of the girls laughed while Linc made out with Dani in the corner. I quickly looked away.
“But…” Jay looked directly at Will. “I’d like to officially welcome Will Sutherland, teen pop star who set a million hearts a flutter.” Will groaned into his hands. “Back from the dead. Today is the first day in five years you don’t look like a stock broker or a Hollywood agent.”
“Here, here!” Everyone raised their drinks, a mix of soda, beer, and water was thrust into the air, mainly because most of the guys had stopped drinking heavily once they settled down. We’d all had our addictions and each stepping-stone led to another trap for us.