I squirmed, “We had something similar, a few years ago, back when…” I didn’t say it. I didn’t want to. “Back when things were bad.”
She nodded and dropped the gloss back onto the table then put her hands on her hips. “It feels real because it was your life, it is your life, and your past is suddenly now in your life.” She reached for my hands.
For some insane reason I let her take them. She squeezed. And tears welled behind my stupid eyes again.
“You’re reliving your past through different eyes.” She spoke slowly. “Realizing things that maybe you’ve never thought about before, and because Jay knows both of you very well my only assumption is he’s trying… to maybe help his friends.”
“We aren’t friends.” I snorted. “Trust me, Jay would rather drown me.”
“I see.” She released my hands. “So that’s why every A-lister that begged for this role was turned down? Because you aren’t… what did you call it? Friends?”
I stood. “Will called in a favor.”
“That makes two friends.” Her eyebrows arched and then she said the craziest thing. “How lucky you must be, to have two.”
And oddly enough, my first response was to say, bitch, please, I’ve got loads of friends.
But then I thought about it.
And realized.
I didn’t.
I never did.
Because Will had been my first true friend, and then my love.
And everyone else in my life had been a user. Andrew included. He used me to get back at Will. He used us against each other.
And I let him because I was lost, I was jealous, and I was an attention-seeking whore.
I was jerked away from my thoughts when the trailer door opened and Will was on the other side.
Shirtless.
“Hey, sorry they need Ang.”
Gem smiled at me. “Have fun with your friends.”
I gave her a seething yet teasing look before making my way toward Will, toward the door, toward another gut-wrenching scene that I refused to think about.
It’s not real.
It’s not real.
I had to convince myself it wasn’t real or I wouldn’t get through it, and since Jay liked keeping Will in the dark for obvious reasons that meant it was all on me.
A lot of pressure. Great.
“You ready for this?” Will looked nervous. I side eyed him as we fell into step beside one another.
“The next scene?”
“Yeah.” He clipped.
“No,” I answered. “No, I’m not.”
He stopped walking. “This isn’t you anymore, just remember that.”
“Will Sutherland did you just say something nice?” I teased.
He barked out a rough laugh. “Maybe the sun’s getting to my head.”
We shared a smile.
I felt warm all over.
“Yeah, maybe.”
Too soon the moment broke and I was suddenly in front of the camera, supposedly wasted and throwing myself at Jaymeson, at his character, the same way I had a few years ago.
It was painful.
It was horrible.
I wanted to die.
And when they yelled “cut,” I ran off the set like a woman being chased by monsters. Except you can’t escape the monsters that live within.
I’d tried.
I’d failed.
SHE’D RUN OFF set. Taken an Uber back to the house. And hadn’t spoken to anyone all day.
I knew she was in her room because of the lack of door and suddenly felt like an even bigger ass because she couldn’t suffer in privacy.
And what made matters worse was I was thankful that she wasn’t locked in the bathroom because I couldn’t do it again, I couldn’t barge in on her and see her doing drugs.
“What the hell are you doing?” I roared while Ang stumbled toward me, slinking her dress up so she showed so much thigh I almost saw her underwear. “Ang! What are you doing?” She rubbed her eyes and shrugged, “I was tired, all right? So I snorted some coke, it’s no big deal, plus we can drink more.”
I steadied her on her feet. “Ang it is a big deal, drugs are a big deal, who gave you this shit?”
“Problem?” Andrew came up to the door, “The guys want to get the party started, looking good Ang.” I hated their relationship, loathed it actually.
She gave me a guilty look.
“Give us a minute, Andrew.”
He held up his hands.
“Ang, you can’t be doing this shit, you’re young, way too young to be throwing everything away just so you can have more shots, all right? Let’s just go home, you and me.”
“NO!” She jerked away, “I can’t! This is my life! My career! Sure everything is great for you Mr. One Billion views on YouTube, but not all of us are so lucky! My last movie tanked, thanks to you,” I flinched, mainly because most of my parts were cut they were so bad, “And now, I just… I need to be seen, all right? Andrew gets it why don’t you?”