Steady as the Snow Falls(41)

"What you said today-you were right. All of it. You're right."

Beth held him tighter. "I won't give up on you, Harrison."

He took a shaking breath, his head further lowering.

"I haven't let anyone touch me in years," he said quietly, his voice  rough. "And then you showed up, and all I've wanted since is for you to  touch me."

She brushed her lips across the hollow of his spine, felt him tremble in response.

"I did this. I brought you into my life."

She smiled faintly against his back. "You didn't make me fall in love  with you. It just … happened. I want to be in your life. I want to be a  part of it."

"No one will look at you the same. They'll stare, and they'll talk, and  your life will be harder than it has to be. They'll say you have the  disease. If you're linked to me, Beth, then you might as well have HIV.  You'll be treated like you do. There will be nothing quiet, nothing  peaceful, about being with me.

"They'll look at you funny when you eat at restaurants. If you use a  public restroom, they won't use it after you. They'll look at you like  just being in your presence is enough to guarantee them catching it. Or  even worse than all that, they'll look at you with pity."

"I don't care," she said in a wobbly voice, and she meant it.

"Are you listening to this, Beth?" Harrison flung her arms away and  turned, pinning her with his tormented black eyes. "Your life won't be  anything like you're used to."

"I want to be with you. I don't care about anything but that."

"You can't be with me," he said shortly.

Anger at Harrison, at the unfairness of life and death, bristled through  her like spiked bones of determination. Beth felt her face twist, the  corners of her mouth fall. "You wanted me here. You asked for me."

"I didn't-"

"Don't lie to me." She crossed her arms and stared at the pale features  facing her. "You were lonely, that's why you hired me. You didn't need a  book written, you needed someone in your life to make you feel not so  lonely."

"If you think that's true, then why did you keep coming back?"

"Because I needed you too, and I still do." Beth swallowed and dropped her eyes. "We need each other."

Harrison's reply was long in coming, and quietly spoken. "I wasn't lonely. I was intrigued."

Somewhere in the room, a clock ticked off the seconds. Beth went still,  letting his words settle around her heart. Realizing what they meant.  They were not here because of pity, because of unwanted isolation. They  were not together in this room by default. She was here because she  wanted to be, and Harrison wanted her to be. The blackness weaved around  them, but it wasn't cold, and it wasn't fearsome. It was alive, dark,  consuming.

"I do need you," Harrison whispered finally, brokenly, reaching for her.  His arms, threaded with muscle, went around her and Beth gasped at the  feel of them, immediately hugging him back in case he decided he changed  his mind. For so long, for so long she'd wanted this physical  connection with him.

Harrison breathed in, forcefully. He breathed out, erratically but sure. "Tell me what you want."

"I want you."

She felt his sad smile in his voice. "You already have me, Beth."

"I want all of you," she whispered, her voice cracking and tears filling her eyes.

Harrison touched his forehead to hers. "You do. I'm yours." His fingers  gripped her shoulders, squeezing her and he was still not close enough.  Beth wanted all of him to mesh with her, she wanted them to be as one.  She wanted all of him, even the sick parts.

Never enough, it would never be enough.

She didn't realize she'd said the words out loud until Harrison's grip  tightened and released, until he said, "It might not be enough, but it's  the most I can give you."         

     



 

Beth shook her head. "No. You can give me more. You can let me sleep with you, and you can hold me. And … you can kiss me."

She walked to the bed and laid down, wondering if Harrison would follow.  The sheets were still warm from his body, and it was like being  embraced by Harrison's arms. Twelve ticks of the clock sounded before he  walked to her. He stared down at her, his body lined with moonlight and  shade, a medley of dark and light to make up a conflicted man. Guilt  and desire fought, despair and hope warred, and at the center, was  Harrison. Being tugged in a million directions, never sure of himself,  never sure of anything. He could be sure of Beth.

"Beth."

She focused on his eyes, twin beams of life in a white face. "Yes?"

He went to his knees beside the bed and lassoed her in his arms before  resting his cheek on her stomach. Beth held her breath, let it out  slowly. He was holding her. Harrison was touching her of his own  volition. His skin was hot against hers, his exhalations a wisp of  seduction in the form of air.

His arms tightened. "I love you."

Harrison whispered it, and she was glad. It didn't mean she heard any less emotion in it, it didn't mean it meant any less.

"I love you," he whispered again.

The truth was more likely to be whispered than shouted.

Already her limbs shook, and her heart paused. Already she felt the  monumental cocoon of those three words around her being. Beth moved her  hand from the bed to the crown of his head, letting her fingers sink  into the softness. Her smile deepened. His hair was as silken, and as  coarse, as she'd imagined. She trailed her fingers down the curve of his  ear, and went back to caressing his hair.

Beth had known he was falling as assuredly as she was.

"I'm sorry I tried not to." He pressed his face to her ribcage.

She partially sat up, bringing her arms to his back and her face to his  hair. "Thank you for finally inviting me in. Please don't feel guilty  about it."

He took a sharp breath, his body relaxing as he released it. "You say I  inspire you, but you don't know that you do the same for me."

Wrapped around one another, they sat in the dark. Still. Quiet. Just breathing. Just feeling.

When a crick formed in Beth's neck and her arms went numb, as if sensing  her discomfort, he moved from the floor to the bed, his chin held up by  a fist as he watched her. Beth stared back, wanting the moment to never  pass. Wanting time to stand still, to keep them locked in this span of  discovery. His hand trembled as he touched her lips; his fingers were  little pulses of sensation as they swept across her cheekbone. Harrison  touched her face like he was afraid she would disappear if he pressed  too hard.

Beth's chest hitched with each inhalation, and the air that left her  lungs was raspy and loud. He'd barely touched her and she was ignited.  Her lips swelled, aching to know his. She felt like she'd been waiting  her whole life for something, and this was it. Anything she'd ever  wanted lessened when compared to Harrison.

He leaned down, and with nothing but his lips touching hers, Harrison  kissed her. It was slow, and full of tenderness. Yearning. He tasted  sweet, and warm. He kissed her like it would be the last. He kissed her  with reverence. Harrison's mouth was shaped to accommodate hers, and the  kiss tugged at her stomach, liquid heat swimming through her veins and  womb.

When memories faded, and the years were too many to count, when a  thousand books had been read and a thousand walks taken-when instances  of beauty and life were melded into one smile to signify them all-Beth  would remember the night Harrison Caldwell decided to let himself love  her. It would shine among a million stars of amazing moments, and it  would gleam the brightest. And she would smile, a secret smile that held  all of her love for him in the bend of it.

Beth pulled him to her, and he caught himself with a hand on either side  of her shoulders, his face all she could see. His palms pressed into  the mattress, creating fissures around Beth. Glinting eyes, lips heavy  with desire. Beth held his face in her hands and his eyelids shut, his  cheeks fanned with pale eyelashes.

"You cleaned the trophy room," he muttered.

A frown formed between her eyebrows and she laughed quietly, her fingers dropping to his wrists. "What?"

Harrison's arms convulsed with the strength it took to keep himself from  melting into her. He looked down at her, his features hard with  emotion. "That's when I knew-that I was-that I could love you. That I  was falling in love with you. You did that for me. You forced me to  remember something I was trying to forget, something good, something I  shouldn't have wanted to forget.         

     



 

"And when you write-you frown, and shift around, and play with your  hair-sometimes you even smile … " He took a deep breath. "I could watch  you write for eternity."

Beth gripped his wrists and gave them a sharp pull. Harrison landed on  her, stealing her breath with the motion and feel of him. He went still,  even as his heartrate escalated to a dizzying beat, pounding against  her chest. Her teeth sank into her lip as she shifted and felt him  respond. Harrison dropped his head to her shoulder. Sweat covered him,  sending a shockwave of possessiveness through her.