But none of that could pass her lips.
Instead, Beth set the container down on the counter and hugged Benny, hard and tight, and when she inhaled the laundry detergent and cologne smell of her brother, she felt safe.
"Mom said something similar last week," she admitted as she pulled away.
"Who do you think taught me to be the way I am? Well, and Dad, but more Mom. She's tough as nails." Benny grinned, showing off a crooked canine. "And you-she taught you how to be too." He pointed a blunt finger at her collarbone. "Be it, little sister."
Beth good-naturedly slapped at his finger and put the mashed potatoes in the refrigerator. "I'm trying." She nodded to the doorway that went downstairs. "Go drink your beer with Jake and Dad. You're out of place up here."
She smiled as her brother jogged across the room and stomped down the stairs. Beth was lucky to have such a caring family. After cleaning the last of the few dishes and wiping off the counter and table, Beth hung out with her sisters-in-law, niece, and her mom for an hour. She laughed and talked about movies and music with Whitney, her eyes continually finding the clock on the wall. She didn't have plans to see Harrison; there was no reason for her to be anxious to leave.
But she was.
When Beth felt sufficient time had passed, she got to her feet and let them know she would be back Saturday. Her blood streamed through her veins, telling her to hurry to a destination she did not have. Beth didn't think she'd be at ease until she next saw Harrison. With a hug and a smile aimed at her family, Beth packed on her winter gear and headed out into the cold night. Her breaths left her in wisps of white and Beth tipped her head back to admire the blanket of twinkling lights in the dark sky.
Instead of going home, she drove the Blazer out of town, slowing down as she passed the driveway that went to Harrison's. She told herself it was perfectly normal to check up on someone to make sure they weren't alone. Beth wanted to know he had someone. Trembles overtook her body and chattered her teeth in the cold interior of her vehicle. Lights shone from inside the house, and she could vaguely make out the form of a vehicle parked near the garage. Someone was there. Her heart unclenched just a bit, and she headed back to Crystal Lake.
Home wasn't where she wanted to be, and after she parked the car in the garage, Beth walked around the neighborhood. A few houses had Christmas lights up, but most remained bare. When she was younger, every Christmas Eve her mom would take her and her two brothers for walks around town to look at all the different light and yard displays.
Eventually, as her brothers got older and left the house, it was only Beth and her mom. They'd stay up late and drink hot chocolate when they got back home, watch Christmas movies until Beth fell asleep beside her mom on the couch. Christmas Eve was one of her favorite memories because of that time spent with her mom. It made her think of Harrison exploring the countryside with his father.
Deciding it would be fun to walk around town and admire the lights with her family, and would help distract her from obsessing over Harrison, Beth grinned to herself as she headed back in the direction of her parents' home. She was sure her sisters-in-law, Whitney, and her mom would be up for it, even if the men weren't.
She didn't realize whose house she was near until a shadow separated from the night, revealing a tall, lanky figure. Beth went still, making out an all-too-familiar form. Ozzy looked at her with eyes that matched the darkness around them. He stepped from the lawn of his brother's house and stopped in front of her, directly beneath the light of a streetlamp. His hair was an unruly mop on his head, adding to his boyish looks, and he had on faded jeans and a long-sleeved white shirt.
"Did you have a good Thanksgiving?" His tone wasn't pleasant. It was accusatory, like the hardness of his features.
Beth took a step to the left, and he followed, sharp-eyed and stiff-jawed. "Get out of the way, Ozzy."
"Answer the question, Beth."
"I'm not doing this anymore. I'm tired of it. Please, just leave me alone." Beth stepped by him. "We are done."
Ozzy forcefully gripped her arm and swung her around to face him. "What are you doing at that house outside of town?"
"What?" she whispered, instant panic crumbling her anger. What did he know? Had he found out about Harrison? Beth attempted to pull her arm away, and he tightened his grasp until a sound of pain left her. "Let me go."
He put his face next to hers. Madness glowed in his eyes. "I know you've been hiding something. I followed you. You went there every day this past week and stayed for hours each time. That's where you were that night you couldn't come to work, isn't it? There is no job, is there?"
"Listen to how you sound. You're stalking me now? What happened to you? I don't even know who you are. You are disturbed, Ozzy," she ground out, more worried for Harrison than for herself.
For herself, she was enraged. Beyond fear. She was sick of him spying on her, sick of feeling like she was obligated to him in some way. Sick of feeling weak. Sick of it all. Beth's body trembled, and it wasn't from the cold. Fury, hot and thick, scorched along her flesh. She tried to wrench her wrist away from his grasp again, but again, it was to no avail.
"I don't know who you are. You aren't the girl I fell in love with," he spat out, clenching her wrist hard enough that she gasped.
"Let go of me now, or I'll scream."
Something in her expression or voice registered, and with a sneer on his face, he dropped her arm and stepped back. "Patty said you spent more money at the salon in one day than you used to spend there in a year. That's not you, not normally. Spreading your legs for some old geezer to make money? Is that what you're doing up at that house in the country?"
The crack of her palm on his cheek was as loud and menacing as thunder. Ozzy's face was imprinted with red, and her hand throbbed. Beth's voice shook as she told him, "Don't disrespect me like that again."
He lowered his head and glared into her eyes. "You're keeping secrets, and I'm going to find out what they are."
"My secrets are not for you to wonder about. This ends now. Don't talk to me, don't show up where I am, don't even think about me."
"Or what?"
"Or this won't stay between you and me."
"You're right," he agreed. "It won't. Not for much longer. Secrets only last for so long, Beth. Good luck trying to keep yours."
Beth shoved past him, his words freezing her insides.
"You were supposed to be with me, not leave me!"
She spun around and screamed, "You were supposed to love me, not hurt me!"
The door to his brother's house opened and closed. Steve Peck rested his back to the door, crossing his arms as he faced their way. "Let's go inside now, Ozzy."
Ozzy's chest heaved as he exhaled, the light going out from his eyes. Beth fought to breathe, but every time she inhaled, it burned. Ozzy looked at her, but she didn't know if he really saw her. Did he see their past, remember that night? The night when their love became twisted, dark. When it died a little, and died more and more as time went on. She thought Ozzy saw it, as clearly as she did every time she looked at him.
He nodded, slowly backing away, and turned.
Beth pressed her hands to her mouth and stumbled in the direction of her house. She'd hit him. She'd hit someone she used to love. How could she do that? After everything they'd once been to one another, they were less than nothing. Enemies. Beth dropped her hands, looking at them as she walked. Tears choked her throat, and she let them fall, wondering how her life had gotten unrecognizable.
Maybe she should have stayed with Ozzy, pretended not to feel alone and neglected, pretended she loved him like she should. It would have been easier. At least one of them would be happy. Beth could have pretended he was enough. She could have talked herself into believing she didn't need to be her own person, and that being half of Ozzy was what she wanted.
Pretended that he loved her like he should, like she needed.
Pretended like she didn't know about his unfaithfulness.
Pretended that he never hurt her.
Her boots hit the curb to her yard wrong when she tried to step over it, and Beth's knees banged against it as she crumpled to the frozen ground. She sat like that, huddled up within herself. Broken. Scared. Angry. Sad. Fighting tears that were stronger than her. Beth cursed herself, and Harrison, and Ozzy, and her stupid, stupid heart that forgave too often, and felt guilt over moving on, and ached for a man that wasn't meant to be hers.
Come on, Beth. Put yourself back together. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help anyone. Get up. Get up and move.
When she was somewhat in control, she carefully picked herself off the ground, wiped snow from her, and with shaking fingers, the tears from her face. Beth straightened her lopsided ponytail and cleared her throat. Shoulders back, she strode past her Blazer and to the house, but at the last second, she continued back to the SUV.