With a groan, I crawled out of bed while EHLN continued to play in my head.
As I was brushing the fuzz out of my mouth, I revisited another classic moment: drunken kisses.
If my life really was playing on the big screen, and not just in my head, I think most people would agree that Adrian had totally asked for those drunken kisses. He’d been flirting with me on and off all summer, and then he had come out to the alley just to check on me. (Ah, the sexy aphrodisiac of concern on a man’s face.)
Next, we had walked to my house, kissed some more, argued over yearbook stuff from high school, and talked about me sending him a picture of my nipple. Okay, that was all embarrassing, but not too horrible.
The horrible part came next, when he stood in my doorway and flat-out rejected me. Never mind that he had a valid point about why hooking up was a bad idea.
What was that excuse he used?
Something about cushions and falling?
Suddenly and clearly, I saw his face and heard him say, “You want to use me like a drug, to change how you feel.”
I spat out the toothpaste in my mouth and moved over to the toilet, feeling like a volcano about to purge.
The movie playing in my head paused and rewound to play the scene again in perfect focus.
Adrian had said, “You don’t even want me. You just want a warm body to soften your fall.”
As much as it hurt, I had to admit he wasn’t wrong.
I was a lousy person who used other people. Looking back, I’d used Keith Raven in LA to cushion my fall. Keith had promised our fling was mutual, but was it? Really?
Keith let me stay at his apartment, treated me with so much kindness, and drove me all around town in his van, and what had he gotten in return? Some sex and a pep talk?
There was something wrong with me. I needed to stop hurting people, and stop being such a mess.
When you’re naked and kneeling on the tiles in front of your toilet, choking on regrets, can you ever forgive yourself for your weakness?
~
Someone knocked gently on the bathroom door, which was odd, because Shayla rarely knocked, let alone gently.
I pulled open the door, brushing my teeth for the second time. In came a petite blonde, our friend Golden, who grunted at me on her way to the toilet.
I moved my arms to cover my breasts, though she didn’t seem awake enough to notice I was naked. I grabbed a big bath towel from the back of the door and wrapped it around myself.
She said, “Sorry for barging in, but I’ve been obsessed for hours with getting up to pee, and I couldn’t wait another minute.”
“No problem,” I replied.
“After you left the bar last night, Shayla made me do body shots. Tequila.”
“Another fun night at Cougar Town, huh?”
“Did you sleep with Adrian?”
She asked the question over the sound of her tinkling.
Two points to Golden for being direct! I knew she had a crush on him, and they’d been hanging out recently, but just as friends.
Did I sleep with Adrian? No. He turned me down.
“Nope.” I rinsed out my mouth and took an assortment of pill bottles from the medicine cabinet. “Vitamins?” I offered.
She was wearing one of Shayla’s workout T-shirts, which looked like a dress on Golden’s petite frame. Her eyes were rimmed in red, but I couldn’t guess if she’d been crying, or if that was just her morning face.
“Do you even care about Adrian?” she asked. “I don’t know why you’d bother with him when you have a rich movie star.”
I backed toward the door. Even though Golden was being calm and strangely detached, I still felt uncomfortable. Was this a confrontation?
“Of course I care about Adrian.”
“Since when?”
“We’ve been friends for a long time. Like, since high school. We’re totally friends, and that’s it.”
“Plus you work together.”
“Not really. He works on the days I’m not there.”
“What happened last night?”
“Nothing,” I said hurriedly.
“Why did you get mad at everyone and leave the table? We were just teasing you. That’s what friends do.”
I adjusted the fit of my towel. I wanted to take a shower, but not if Golden was going to keep interrogating me.
“My feelings were hurt,” I said. “You guys could try a little harder to pretend you’re happy for me. I don’t think I was talking about LA that much.”
“Beaverdale is small.”
“Yes. Your point being…?”
“Some people don’t appreciate having their noses rubbed in the fact they haven’t left here for anything.”
“Are you kidding? I love this town.”
“You’d be out of here in a heartbeat if you got the chance.”