The bartender didn't argue. He just sent Mandy a brief glance before striding past her and closing the door after him.
Hesitating for a brief moment, Mandy walked closer to where Ethan sat. There weren't any stools around him so she simply stood next to him. He didn't glance her way again but took a swig straight from the bottle. "How did you know where to...? Jaime," he said in realization before Mandy could answer his unfinished question.
"Yes, Jaime was the one who told me where to find you," she said quietly.
At that, Ethan turned on his bar stool to face her. "Then maybe you can go back and tell him I already have a minder for tonight. So if he sent you here on babysitting duty … "
"No one sent me on anything," she said, keeping her tone easy, deep. "I came here to say I'm sorry."
"Then you should have just sent a text," he told her bluntly. He was about to lift the bottle to his lips, but she placed a hand on his arm to stop him.
"Don't, Ethan," she said as she looked into his eyes.
"I don't want you here," he said calmly, his gaze so direct it cut through her like a laser. "You need to go."
"I can't," she breathed, biting on her bottom lip.
"I guess you're here for your pound of flesh," he said before dramatically rolling up one sleeve, baring one muscular, inked arm. "Go on. Take whatever piece of me you want. Because there's nothing else left inside anyway. You might as well have the shell too."
"Oh Ethan."
He turned rapidly away as if to block out the anguish in her voice and shoved his hand through his hair. "You made it impossible for me to stay in my own home. Every room in that place reminds me of you. Of that first night we spent together. And then the other house … your perfume still lingers in that dressing room. Fucking haunting me anywhere I go."
He knocked over the empty glass with an angry brush of his hand. "I even had Zuriel stop wearing that scent whenever she was around me. I hated anything that reminded me of you."
"I'm sorry," she repeated. She would say it all night if she had to. All she wanted was to be near him, to soak up his presence and feed the emptiness that had been growing within her.
Ethan was staring at his clenched fists, side by side on the edge of the counter.
"I never told you about Zuriel," he began in a toneless voice. "Or the part she played in my life all those years ago. I had this new family, great friends, and the chance to live my dream. I was young and far more restless than I am now. Me and her … it was major mind-fuck crazy till I could get out of it. I don't know if I loved her, but by the time it was over I was sure I would never go back. And I didn't. Even in the past few months, with the whole public romance … it was all staged."
"I think in my heart I always believed that," Mandy said, her voice low. She itched to place her hands over his clenched fists, gently spread out each digit, and then lace them with hers.
"Zuriel's not an evil person," Ethan said calmly, and Mandy tried to keep a straight face even as she wanted to vehemently deny Ethan's statement. "Lord only knows what battles she fights, too. We all have a little bit of damage in us, but then when I found out what she said to you … "
Mandy started and found herself asking in surprise, "How did you … ?"
"She confessed," he told her, barely glancing her way. "It was just two days ago. She's been pushing me for weeks to announce our fake engagement – suggesting we should elope before the world tour began and then perform as a married couple. Some crazy shit like that. I told her no way; I'd done enough of play-acting for a lifetime. And I only did it so that I could prove to her once and for all that there could never be anything between us, not anymore. It was never going to be real, and I demonstrated that when I told her I'd already decided to break the news of our split to the gossip rags before we went on tour. Even Davey thought it would be a good idea. The publicity for the tour would become even more massive with the intrigue from the break-up and us having to perform together in spite of it. A real crowd puller, he said. Like we didn't already have sold-out venues and even more dates added on just to meet the demand for extra ticket sales."
"So … did you break up with her? I mean officially?" Mandy had to ask, hating herself for being hopeful – even though she hadn't heard anything in the news about anything. Ethan's next words told her why.
He shook his head. "Just like the last time we broke up, she pleaded with me to wait. Keep the news under wraps till the tour was over. I told her I'd think about it."
Mandy sighed deeply. "I wish I told you about the confrontation I had with her."
Ethan seemed to bristle. "Zuriel had her own agenda, but she was no guiltier than Davey or the rest of the band. I hated that my relationship with you had to be the scapegoat for everyone's grand plan. No one was ever really looking out for me."
"I have nothing to say that would make everything right," Mandy said achingly, head bowed as she wrung her fingers. "All you ever did was show me you cared and I chose the easy way out. I let you down. Part of me wishes I can stay away. That I could walk back out right now. But it's impossible. I have nowhere to go. I've been lost without you … barely surviving when the air I needed to breathe was far out of my reach. Even now I want so badly to touch you … to place my hands in yours. But I feel so unworthy."
She still couldn't look at him, her lashes soaked with tears she prayed wouldn't fall to her cheeks. "I said the meanest things. They weren't true, especially when I said you'd never be the type of man I could be with. The truth was, I felt like I couldn't be the type of woman you truly wanted. That one day you'll wake up and wonder what the heck you ever saw in me."
"Like that could ever happen," Ethan huffed under his breath.
Mandy's head snapped up, liquid pain shimmering in her eyes as he finally held her gaze. His boyish smile of self-deprecation was there, tormenting her further when she thought about how much agony she must have caused him.
"It was never about how you looked or even the different lifestyles we led. It was how I felt around you. Sometimes it was hard to describe, but I never forgot how happy it made me. Completed me. I know I still had a long way to go when it came to the emotions department but with you, I was sure I never had to look over my shoulder or ask myself if what I felt was wrong. You took that away and damned me to the coldest abyss on earth. And now you're here. Maybe now you think you're ready, huh?"
Chilled by the bitterness in his tone, Mandy nodded tearfully. "I know. Too late." She took a painfully tight breath, knowing she should leave. There was nothing left to fight for. Ethan wouldn't be human if he didn't have his pride and self-preservation to think about.
"This was a mistake," she admitted. "But I still want one more chance."
Ethan shook his head, but she wasn't sure if he was refusing or simply wondering at her nerve. Letting him go had been crazy enough. Her sisters still hadn't forgiven her for breaking his heart. Even Marcus had believed she needed to give it another try, and that's why he'd agreed to drive her down to this hotel. He'd offered to wait just to make sure how things went, but she assured him she'd be fine. She felt far from fine now, waiting breathlessly for Ethan's next words.
"How do I even start to give you that?" he asked. Mandy wanted to moan at the sight of him, shirtless and lean beneath his unbuttoned jacket; every tattoo, every sinew begging to be kissed.
"I don't know. Take me on tour with you. I'm about to resign from Jessica Charles. I'll be freelance. Doing my thing while you play at your gigs. I just want – need – to be close to you."
"Nothing's going to change, Mandy. There'll still be gossip, the speculating public, the paparazzi sniffing around. The crazy rock star life I lead hasn't changed much since you decided to choose pride over my heart."
Mandy winced. He was right. She'd been too proud, trying to prove everything about herself except what mattered most … how much she loved him.
"You don't have to take me back. Just please don't send me away." She blinked hard and the blinding tears streamed down to her chin.
She heard Ethan swear harshly. Then he cupped her face, his thumbs brushing the wetness from her cheeks. His touch had her shivering, longing for more.
He rested his temple against hers, drawing in a harsh breath. "The first time I ever felt pain close to the one you caused me was when my parents died. I was nothing more than a little kid, and I didn't understand why I could never see them again. I waited and waited each day to see just one face I adored, but all I got were strangers to take their place. Losing them both to a car crash made me afraid to let anyone in again. But then came Robert and a ready-made family who took me in without a second thought. I had to learn my strength and start to understand human bonds again. I never felt I could ever believe I deserved to be happy till I walked into Jessica's office and saw you standing there that first time. The need to possess you was stronger than my need for the next breath. And it got steadily greater each passing day: the need. I think you should know … it never stopped growing."