Star Struck(28)

She slumped into her chair behind her desk, her euphoria from the past  several weeks deflating. She hated to think that anyone would paint her  as an opportunist. She also hated to think that Ethan hadn't been  completely straight with her all this time. She just didn't know who to  trust or believe at that moment. She wasn't sure she even trusted  herself. Why had she fallen so easily? Why hadn't she stepped back and  thought things over before letting it get this far? She wasn't cut out  for all this intrigue and drama. She'd had enough to handle with the  paparazzi hounding her just because Ethan chose to be with her instead  of any of the celebrity debutantes he could have been with.

I have to get my life back, Mandy thought resolutely, pushing her hands  through her hair and taking a deep breath. She'd always known she had  something to prove when she started her career. She was young, maybe  even naïve. The way she'd succumbed so easily to Ethan's conquest was  proof enough of that. But she'd been so ready to do anything for love.  And now whatever could have been between them would be forever cheapened  if she let Zuriel get her way. But what else am I going to do, she  thought as her hands lifted to cover her face. She felt so lost and  alone. And yet as the minutes ticked by, she realized what steps she had  to take. There was no other choice...         

     



 





Chapter Thirteen



"Why did she do it?"

Ethan heard his own voice like it was coming from some far away cavern.  Behind him, Zuriel moved forward and placed a comforting hand on his  shoulder.

"She had a choice between her career and you, and she picked her career," Zuriel said gently.

Ethan didn't want to believe that. He wasn't ready for the realization that he'd been so wrong about Mandy.

He shook his head rapidly as if to clear his senses, but it wasn't  working. It was hard to think straight while faced with the reality that  he may just have lost Mandy for good.

"Just what did she say to you?" Zuriel asked in such a calm tone. He  felt prompted to relive those hellish moments when she'd told him  goodbye.

"Fuck," he groaned, fisting the hair at his temple. The words were all  jumbled up now. The farewell scene rushed before him like reeling  images.

She'd been avoiding his calls and texts for days. Finally, she agreed  for him to come over to her place to talk about whatever was bothering  her. He'd been worried it had something to do with a few dumb articles  in the paper about some lovesick fan stalking him. But it hadn't been  that. Far from it.

"I want you to listen carefully to what I have to say, Ethan. And  afterwards, I don't want you to try and change my mind because you  can't. I'm not going to budge from my decision because it's what's best  for me. And Lord knows it's high time I started thinking about myself,  because no one else will."

"Mandy, what are you talking about?"

"I have to stop seeing you, Ethan," she'd said quietly but firmly. "And  it doesn't have anything to do with you, so don't think I'm blaming you  for any of this. You were just being yourself while I was simply  being … stupid. I had a job to do, but I couldn't stay professional. I'm  sorry about that. But what hurts almost as much is the knowledge that  people would think I was with you for all the wrong reasons. I need to  know I deserve to be where I'm at right now and not just because I was  sleeping with Ethan Tyler, the rock god."

Ethan's scowl had been thunderous. "Has Davey been talking to you? That sneaky son of a … "

"This has nothing to do with your manager. I told you, Ethan, this is me  doing what I know is in my best interests. I can't … I can't be your  lover anymore. It's over. And I will gladly step down from being your  tour stylist, but I'm afraid you'll end your contract with Jessica  Charles and I wouldn't want that for her … "

"I won't do that," Ethan had said firmly. "The band was going with her  firm anyway. She's the fucking best, everyone knows that. And you work  for her, which automatically means you're worth your salt. No one is  going to think you've reached the heights you have for any other reason  but you're worth it. So why don't you tell me the real reason you want  to give up on us?"

His anger had made his veins stand out in his arms because he was  clenching his fists so hard. She was standing across the room, almost as  if she was afraid of his reaction. So he did all he could to keep his  immense fury down. He didn't want to fucking lose her.

She waved her hands in the air. "What we had … has been spectacular. I  won't lie and say it hasn't been the best time of my life. But I don't  want to do this anymore. I'm not … this isn't the life for me. You need to  focus on what you really do, and that's being a rock star. And I have  to pick up the pieces and just … move on with my life. And it has to be  without you."

It took an effort not to smash his fist into the wall. Turning away from  her for a moment, he drew in an angry breath. "Who is it, Mandy? Who's  gotten to you? Is it Davey? Jaime? They're a bunch of single-minded  bastards, but they don't mean any harm. Believe me. They only want  what's best for the band and yet … you don't have to feel like you need to  listen to them. Listen to me. I love you, damn it."

He'd shocked himself  –  and her, with that unexpected declaration. But it  hadn't been enough. And her next words had almost cut him to the  ground.

"You can believe that if it makes you feel better about what's  happened," Mandy said softly. "Tell yourself you care and that's why you  set out to get me into bed even after I told you I wasn't interested in  getting involved with a rock star  –  my client. You ‘cared', and that's  why you asked me to London with you as a stylist even when you knew I  was simply an intern, with only a few months on the job. You did what  you had to do to put me in your power and I surrendered, Ethan. So it's  all on me. And like I said, I'm not mad at you. But I will be if you  don't respect my wishes and just walk out the door now."         

     



 

"I will," he said with thinly veiled anger, "I just need to ask … was it  ever real for you? Or was I just a way to pass the time? Because if this  meant anything to you at all, you wouldn't find it so easy to ask me to  leave."

He could see his words had touched her; saw the indecision cross her face. His heart lifted with hope, but it was short-lived.

"I told you once before, Ethan, and I meant it. No matter what happened  between us, you're just not the man I'd want to be with. Maybe all this  was meant to be was a passing thing."

"So what happens now? You go back to your perfect banker boyfriend."  Ethan stated more than asked. He knew about Marcus wanting to propose to  Mandy; she'd told him everything about how the break up had gone.  Little did Ethan know he'd be facing the same fate soon.

"I haven't considered that option," she said heavily but with a firmness he believed.

Ethan hated himself now for the momentary weakness that had come over  him then. Crossing the room in seconds, he lifted her into his arms as  he'd kissed her roughly, achingly. Poured his anguish, his all, into it,  mouth wide and tongue pushing in deep like he would eat her whole. She  moaned, the sound ringing in his ears. All he could keep thinking was  not again. He didn't want to feel this way again. Like there was a big  black bottomless hole gaping in front of him to infinity.

She'd pushed at him with surprising strength and only when her fists  pummeled at his chest did he finally come to his senses and let her go  abruptly.

He'd been so close to begging her on his knees. He hadn't understood the  feeling of bereavement that had crossed his soul. But instead of  pleading, he met her frightened gaze one more time and the raging mist  cleared from his eyes.

Swearing underneath his breath, he swiveled around sharply and was out of the front door before he even knew what he was doing.

For three days he had holed up in a hotel room, cut off from everyone.  Once he emerged, he'd met up with his band mates and Davey, who were  happy to see he hadn't gone on some alcoholic or drug-induced bender.  Ethan hadn't had a drink or a smoke  –  not even a cigarette. But then he  hadn't touched any food either, which made him look drawn, pale, and  bad-tempered. Jaime clapped a hand on his back and suggested they should  all pile into their favorite diner and stuff themselves on everything  baked, grilled, roasted, or fried they could lay their hands on and wash  it down with every kind of beer on tap.

Ethan suddenly decided it was a good idea to drown his sorrows in food and some cold brew.

Later, all three of them were in the studio when Jaime asked mildly, "Ready to get back to work?"

Ethan nodded. "Yeah." Work was all he had now. He'd take the edge off the pain somehow, one piece of shrapnel at a time.