Ian looked perplexed, even as he took a seat next to her on the sofa. “What exactly does that mean? I know you said you didn’t get married for the usual reasons, but surely after seven years - ”
“No. We never had a truly romantic marriage, or anything remotely near a normal relationship. Peter – he had a lot of issues. He only told me part of what happened to him but – well, he was badly abused as a boy and never really dealt with those issues.”
“The alcoholic mother, I presume?”
Tessa had a sad look on her face. “Unfortunately, she was only the tip of the iceberg. His father left them when Peter was about six, but evidently he’d been violent towards both of them. But the real problems began when his mother’s younger brother moved in. He – he was a pedophile, Ian, and abused Peter for years – sexually abused him.”
He was slowly starting to see where this sad tale was leading. “That’s terrible, darling. His mother did nothing to help?”
“She didn’t believe him, called him a liar and a troublemaker. Apparently, she depended on her brother to help with expenses so she turned a blind eye to what the bastard was doing to Peter. The abuse went on for several years until the uncle got caught trying to molest another child and was shipped off to prison.”
Ian’s jaw clenched in anger. “A fitting place for the scum of the earth like him. I assume he’s still rotting away there?”
“Most likely, yes. But that wasn’t much consolation to Peter, considering the damage that had been done. Peter had great difficulty being intimate. We were married for almost three years before we finally managed to have sex. And it was never easy for him. He – he couldn’t really bear being touched, especially in a sexual way.”
He stroked her hair lightly. “That must have been difficult for both of you. You’re such an affectionate little thing, Tessa. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you.”
“Peter used to tell me that I should – oh, God, this is embarrassing.” She took a deep breath. “When he wasn’t able to – um - ”
“Get an erection?” he supplied.
Tessa’s cheeks flushed as she gave a short nod. “Yes. He, uh, had a lot of difficulty with that or with, um, keeping one long enough to - ”
“It’s all right, love,” he assured her. “I get the idea. So I assume that you two didn’t – weren’t intimate very often?”
“No, we weren’t. I got to a point where I didn’t want to pressure him, or make him feel worse. As it was, he used to actually suggest I find someone else, another lover, someone who could – well, take care of me that way.”
Ian took her into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I know without having to ask that you never even considered that idea. No matter what the state of your marriage I don’t think you’d have it in you to be unfaithful. With Peter’s permission or not.”
“You’re right. I never even gave it a serious thought. Normal marriage or not, I always thought of Peter as my husband as well as my best friend. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had done something like that.”
He eased her head onto his shoulder, still stroking her hair. “So he decided to set you free after all that time. He knew that he could never give you what you needed and that you’d never cheat on him. After all the good deeds he did for you, Tessa, the last might have been the kindest one of all.”
“I didn’t get that at first,” she admitted. “All I could think about for the first couple of months was how alone I was. And of how terrified I was that I’d become like my mother.”
Her last confession startled him anew, and he tipped her chin up. “What in the world are you talking about, Tessa? Why are you afraid of something like that? Mental illness isn’t hereditary.”
“I know that. And I’ve never had a manic episode like she did, nothing like that. But – the other – the darkness. Sometimes it gets so hard, Ian. I have to fight it off, to keep myself from falling under like she did. When Peter left – and all the times before when he’d be away for weeks at a time on assignments – I’d have to force myself to keep going, to not let the depression take me over.”
Tessa was weeping quietly, and he felt like his heart would shatter into a thousand pieces at the sound. He cuddled her close, knowing how she liked that, and tried not to feel helpless as he soothed her.
“Tessa, darling, it’s hardly a surprise that you’d feel sad and, yes, depressed at times. My God, what you’ve had to endure in your life – most people never experience even a fraction of those sorts of hardships.” He kissed her softly, tenderly. “You might think you’re weak, or not especially bright, but to me you’re the strongest, smartest, most capable person I’ve ever known. I am in complete awe of you, love.”