Then again, maybe that's her answer.
I don't know if I'm ready. I've squandered so much time with him. Wasted our last good night together and have been holding my breath waiting for a second chance. Maybe half of grief is just accepting that we don't get one.
I draw in a breath. "I haven't decided."
She gives my wrist a final squeeze. "I'll leave you alone, then."
I watch her leave, grateful that she pulls the door shut behind her to give me some privacy. Suddenly, I know what I need to say.
I take his hand in mine and squeeze. When I close my eyes, he's bloody in my arms again, apologizing with his final words. "I forgive you. For Trish. For refusing to take me home. For all of it." I swallow hard. I've been so busy taking the blame onto myself that I've never taken the time to tell him he's forgiven. Maybe that's what we all need to hear-to believe-if we're going to find some peace. "None of us are perfect, and I never wanted you to be, either. Thank you for loving me."
When I open my eyes, they see a body on the bed that once belonged to Brogan, but he's not there anymore. Maybe he hasn't been for months. I brace myself for another blow to the chest-the kind of grief that steals my breath-but instead I find myself exhaling and then refilling my lungs.
This is what it feels like to let go.
I brush his hair from his face, close my eyes, and say a prayer.
When I get back to the Woodisons', I feel lighter than I have in months. It's not the happy lightness of submitting your last final exam or the giddy lightness of having a crush. It's the weight of a burden lifted from your shoulders.
I'm running late, so I rush to my room to figure out what to wear. My black-and-pink polka-dot sundress used to be my favorite, and I pull it on, step into a pair of flip-flops, and head downstairs to wait for Sebastian.
Arrow's in the living room, and he stands up when he sees me. "You look nice," he says, dragging that slow, hungry gaze down my bare legs. "Where are you going?"
The doorbell rings, and I turn to open it without answering Arrow's question. Sebastian stands there in a pair of low-slung jeans and a fitted black T-shirt. He grins at me and offers me the trio of bright yellow daisies in his right hand.
"For the pretty girl," he says.
I can practically feel the moment Arrow realizes who's at the door. He comes to stand behind me, and it's as if the temperature in the house drops ten degrees.
"Hi, Arrow," Sebastian says, inclining his chin.
I feel a little guilty. This is the guy who's replacing him, but at the same time, this is the guy who will smile at me. Who will give me the time of day without looking at me like he resents my need to hear his voice. I don't know that I want to be with Sebastian, but I need a friend.
"Sebastian," Arrow finally responds. "How are you?"
"Good." He holds up the flowers a little awkwardly. "You?"
"Hunky-dory," Arrow says dryly. "Living the dream."
Sebastian laughs. "Let me know if I can get you anything, okay, man?"
Arrow releases a long, slow exhale and shakes his head. "Don't be that guy."
"What?"
"Just don't be a nice guy. If you want to do me a favor, pretend to be the asshole I need you to be." He turns around and goes to the stairs, leaving us.
"Well, that was awkward," Sebastian says, making a goofy face.
I want to laugh over how ridiculous that exchange was, but I'm too confused by the guy walking away. "Yeah," I agree. I don't want to think about Arrow right now and wouldn't know what to think if I wanted to. I grab the flowers and take them to the kitchen, popping them in a small vase with some water before heading back to the front door where Sebastian's waiting. "You still haven't told me where we're going."
"We're going to Dad's shop," he says. "Come on."
I follow him to his car and he opens the door for me. I turn around as I start to climb in and see Arrow watching me from his bedroom window, his arms crossed, a frown on his face.
Sebastian follows my gaze. "Should I assume he's going to punch me in the face the minute he's no longer on probation?"
"Don't worry about Arrow," I say, climbing into the car. "He doesn't want me." Our history is too complicated, I think, but I don't explain that to Sebastian. I don't have the energy to answer the questions that explanation would invite.
Sebastian grunts. "It's cute that you believe that."
I toy with the radio as he drives, and when he pulls into the lot in front of his dad's body shop, I cross my arms and look at him. "You have me curious," I admit. "What are we doing here?"
"You'll see." He unbuckles and grabs a backpack from the back seat. "Come on. In the back."
I climb out of the car and follow him around to the gate at the back of the shop. He unlocks it, pulls it open, and nods me on through.
A chrome bumper lies in the grass.
"That's Coach's," he says, nodding to it. "I pulled it out of the scrap pile for you this morning."
I step forward, my insides trembling as I near the mangled chrome. "That's it?"
"Yeah," he says. "And Mia, he hit a deer. I know that without doing anything else, but I know you need some kind of closure on this. I took a chemistry class at BHU last semester. It was called the Chemistry of CSI, and they taught us about the chemicals and tests used in some basic crime scene investigations." He slides his backpack off his shoulder and to the ground and pulls a couple of tubes from it. "You're lucky Professor Drew liked me. He gave us the chemicals we need to run the test."
One of the tubes has a long cotton swab in it, and he pulls it out and hands it to me. He crouches next to the bumper and points to the edge. "It's still smeared with blood. No reason to scrub it off when you have to replace the whole part anyway. We'll use this stuff called anti-human serum. You take the sample and put it in this solution. It'll tell us whether it's animal blood or human blood."
"That's a real thing?"
He laughs. "Pretty cool, huh? Go ahead and swab it."
My stomach curdles. I'm not sure I want to know anymore. What happens if it turns out that it's human blood on the bumper? Do we go to the police from here? And what about Sebastian? Could he live with turning in his coach?
"Calm down, Mia," he says. "I promise it's deer blood."
With a shaking hand, I swipe the wet swab across the dried blood and then hand it to him.
He takes it and dips it into the other vial. "What will happen is that if it's human blood, the solution will react, and if it's not, it won't."
"That simple?"
"The best chemistry is, isn't it?" We stare at the liquid in silence, and it doesn't react. "See? Told you. Do you feel better now?"
I stare at the vial, half expecting it to change. It doesn't. "Thanks, Sebastian." Why was I so sure it was human? "I promise I don't have a personal vendetta against the coach. I just saw his name and couldn't get the idea out of my head that it was his car-that I saw that bumper sticker."
"He hit a deer, Mia."
I nod. Did Sebastian test it himself before he brought me here? Does it matter if he did? The results are what they are. "Okay. Got it. Thanks again for doing this."
"And now you owe me dinner," he says.
"Deer blood to dinner." I laugh at his grimace. "It's okay. That was our deal, and I'm actually pretty hungry."
A few minutes later, we pull up to a casual hole-in-the wall that serves the best Lebanese food.
"This okay?" he asks when he stops the car.
"This is perfect," I say.
We get a seat and both order iced tea and sampler platters, and they bring our food out quickly. I can't get my stomach to settle down from the nervous tremors that started back at the shop, and even though this is probably my favorite place to eat, I just poke at my food.
"Did Bailey lie to me?" he asks.
"I'm sorry. What?"
He nods to my untouched food. "I asked her what kind of food you liked, and she suggested this place. You don't seem very interested in your meal."
"You asked Bailey where to take me for lunch?" Sebastian hasn't been hiding his interest in me, but I thought it was more casual than that. I was convenient. But maybe Bailey was right, and he's been interested for a while now.
He grins. "I wanted to impress you with more than my chemistry skills today." His smile falls away then. "But seriously, are you doing okay?"