Spinning Out(The Blackhawk Boy #1)(30)

I press my open palm to the ache in my chest. I can't do this anymore. "Mia, you need to know. About that night-"

She presses two fingers to my lips and shakes her head. "Don't. Please? I  don't want to talk about New Year's Eve. If you want me to remember  that I didn't die that night, you have to promise me you won't talk  about it anymore."

"Don't make me make that promise," I say. Because I can't.

"Just tonight, then. Don't talk about it tonight."

"Okay." I pull in a breath and realize I'm shaking. Would I have said it  if she hadn't stopped me? Would I have spilled it all out? And then  what? She'd hate me, and what would happen to Coach?

"I need to apologize to him," she says.

I bury my nose in her hair and inhale slowly, my shaking subsides, and  my feet come back to the earth. "Tomorrow. You can apologize tomorrow."  Reluctantly, I release her to climb off the bed. "Lie down. I'll tuck  you in. You need a good night's sleep."

"No." She reaches for me and drops her hand just before her fingers brush my bare stomach. "Don't go."

I don't know if I can do it. Hold her without touching her. Spend a night soothing grief I'm responsible for. "Mia, we-"

"Don't go." She bites her bottom lip and cocks her head to the side. "Please? I'm scared to sleep alone."

I can't do it. I can't walk away from her. "Okay." I climb back into the  bed and pull her back to my front. "Do you want me to give Katie a  bottle if she wakes up?"

"No, I can do it. I can get her."

"Okay. Just go to sleep now, okay?" I reach over her head and click off the light, and we lie in silence for a long time.

I close my eyes, knowing I won't sleep but hoping she can. She'll need her rest for tomorrow.

"Arrow?" she asks, long after I think she's fallen asleep.

I don't answer. My heart is too raw to talk more tonight; my need to  tell her everything is too strong. I keep my eyes closed and my mouth  shut so I won't tell her what I can't.

"I loved Brogan," she says into the darkness. "But I couldn't fall for  him. That stupid difference between loving and being in love. I never  thought it mattered. But I couldn't fall in love with Brogan. I could  only love him." She finds my hand where it's wrapped around her waist  and pulls it up to rest on her heart. "Because I'd already fallen for  you."

I force myself to breathe. If I hold my breath, she'll know I heard her  confession. If I squeeze her tighter, she'll have to deal with her  secret being out there. If I roll her under me and kiss her like every  cell in my body is begging me to, she'll know. But I didn't realize  until this moment how long I've been waiting to hear it. How much of me  has been waiting since New Year's Eve to know that the girl I love loves  me back.                       
       
           



       

So I breathe and promise myself that soon I'll find a way to tell Mia the truth without ruining Coach's life.

I'll find a way.





October, two and a half months before the accident





When I show up to the house party, half the people there are already  drunk. I had to work late and I missed the game. Bad girlfriend. Bailey  texted me updates at every time-out and between each quarter. The  Blackhawks won in overtime. I didn't think I'd even be able to make it  to the party, but I wanted to surprise Brogan. He hates that I have to  work so much, and he really hates when I miss his games.

Things haven't been right between us since my birthday, and I can't  figure out if that's my fault or his. Did my heart-to-heart with Arrow  leave me looking for fault in Brogan, or has he really been more distant  and moody since he came home from the wedding last weekend?

Keegan is in the kitchen, pouring a drink for a pretty, fragile-featured  girl with dark pixie-cut hair. His eyes go wide when he sees me. "Mia. I  thought you couldn't come tonight."

"I got off early. Have you seen Brogan?"

"Um." His loud swallow gives him away. Keegan is a shitty liar. "I think he left?"

"He's upstairs," the girl says. "I saw him head up there with-" She  stops speaking at Keegan's hard glare. A weird sickness immediately  fills my stomach at what she didn't say. I'm already pushing past them  to the stairs at the back of the house. He hasn't just been moody. He's  been secretive.

"Mia," Keegan calls. I hear him on the stairs behind me, but I rush forward anyway.

Don't be that guy, Brogan. Don't be that guy.

I throw open bedroom doors, one after another, until I find them.

Brogan's sitting on the edge of the bed, one hand buried in the hair of the girl sucking him off.

"Brogan." I don't mean to speak. It just comes out. All my disappointment and heartbreak in that one word.

He's slow to respond. He's drunk, I tell myself. He doesn't know what  he's doing. But God, it hurts. He's drunk. He's stressed. He's upset  that his girlfriend doesn't show up to half his home games. My mind  scrambles to pile on excuses-like putting pressure on the wound to stop  the bleeding-but his betrayal bleeds through.

When he opens his eyes, the way the shock rolls over his face is almost  comical. The way Trish snaps her head back, his dick popping out of her  mouth, is almost comical.

"Mia." Keegan's hand closes around my shoulder, and I shake it off.

Brogan pushes Trish away, and in his haste to get his pants zipped, he catches his dick in the zipper. "Fuck," he growls.

"Karma works quickly," I say softly. Then I shake my head, because part  of what I always loved about Brogan was that I trusted him. I believed  he'd never hurt me. "I'm done. This is over."

I don't scream or shout or even shed a tear. It's like I flip the switch  I found after Mom left and shut all that off. I turn and push past  Keegan, who looks so guilty you'd think he was the one caught with his  pants down.

"Why'd you let her up here?" Brogan shouts at him.

"You're an ass," Keegan replies.

I don't hear any more because I make a beeline for the door. I don't  bother with my car but keep walking until I get to the dorms. I'm not  even sure what makes me go to Arrow, but that's where I am before I can  even think it through. He opens the door to his quad, and as soon as he  sees my face, he knows.

"What did he do?" he asks, his voice deadly and low.

I bite my bottom lip. "House party. Trish."





"We broke up."

I swallow hard and squeeze my eyes shut. If I could spend a year  watching her date my best friend, I can certainly spend another fucking  thirty seconds to take a breath before I pull her into my arms.

When I open my eyes, she's worrying that bottom lip between her teeth  and twisting her hands. "I probably shouldn't be here," she says, but  instead of heading to the door, she opens the door to Mason's and my  room. "I just didn't know where else to go, but it was stupid to come  here. He's your boy and I-"

"What are you doing?"

She's on her hands and knees, searching for something under Mason's bed.  She pulls out a bottle of tequila and gives me a sideways smile as she  unscrews the cap. "It's Bailey's stash." She takes a long pull right  from the bottle and squeezes her eyes shut as she swallows. "Crap, that  burns." She wanders around the room with the bottle in her hand, taking  sip after sip as she paces. "I never worried about Trish, you know that?  I knew she liked him, but it didn't occur to me that he might like her,  too."                       
       
           



       

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" I ask cautiously. I don't like how quickly she's draining that bottle.

"There's not much to the story, Arrow." She plops onto my bed and takes  another swig. "I showed up to surprise him, and Trish was already  sucking his dick." She snorts, and a long stream of giggles slips past  her lips. "Oh my God, it's so absurd."

"Mia-"

"I give great head," she says, bringing the bottle to her chest.

I rub my temples. Do I really want to be the sweet guy friend who can  sit here and listen to her talk about giving Brogan blowjobs? Hell no.

"I mean, I do all the things you're supposed to do, and he sure seems to  like it, but what do I know? Maybe I suck." She snorts again. "Get it? I  suck?" She takes another drink, and I walk across the room and pull the  bottle from her hand.

"Yeah, I get it, Mia." I put the bottle on top of the dresser.

She stretches out on my bed, arms above her head. "Why do guys cheat,  Arrow? Are they programmed that way, or is it me?" Her BHU T-shirt  raises up to expose her navel and the smooth skin of her stomach. "I bet  it's the blowjob thing. I bet I'm no good."