I press my open palm to the ache in my chest. I can't do this anymore. "Mia, you need to know. About that night-"
She presses two fingers to my lips and shakes her head. "Don't. Please? I don't want to talk about New Year's Eve. If you want me to remember that I didn't die that night, you have to promise me you won't talk about it anymore."
"Don't make me make that promise," I say. Because I can't.
"Just tonight, then. Don't talk about it tonight."
"Okay." I pull in a breath and realize I'm shaking. Would I have said it if she hadn't stopped me? Would I have spilled it all out? And then what? She'd hate me, and what would happen to Coach?
"I need to apologize to him," she says.
I bury my nose in her hair and inhale slowly, my shaking subsides, and my feet come back to the earth. "Tomorrow. You can apologize tomorrow." Reluctantly, I release her to climb off the bed. "Lie down. I'll tuck you in. You need a good night's sleep."
"No." She reaches for me and drops her hand just before her fingers brush my bare stomach. "Don't go."
I don't know if I can do it. Hold her without touching her. Spend a night soothing grief I'm responsible for. "Mia, we-"
"Don't go." She bites her bottom lip and cocks her head to the side. "Please? I'm scared to sleep alone."
I can't do it. I can't walk away from her. "Okay." I climb back into the bed and pull her back to my front. "Do you want me to give Katie a bottle if she wakes up?"
"No, I can do it. I can get her."
"Okay. Just go to sleep now, okay?" I reach over her head and click off the light, and we lie in silence for a long time.
I close my eyes, knowing I won't sleep but hoping she can. She'll need her rest for tomorrow.
"Arrow?" she asks, long after I think she's fallen asleep.
I don't answer. My heart is too raw to talk more tonight; my need to tell her everything is too strong. I keep my eyes closed and my mouth shut so I won't tell her what I can't.
"I loved Brogan," she says into the darkness. "But I couldn't fall for him. That stupid difference between loving and being in love. I never thought it mattered. But I couldn't fall in love with Brogan. I could only love him." She finds my hand where it's wrapped around her waist and pulls it up to rest on her heart. "Because I'd already fallen for you."
I force myself to breathe. If I hold my breath, she'll know I heard her confession. If I squeeze her tighter, she'll have to deal with her secret being out there. If I roll her under me and kiss her like every cell in my body is begging me to, she'll know. But I didn't realize until this moment how long I've been waiting to hear it. How much of me has been waiting since New Year's Eve to know that the girl I love loves me back.
So I breathe and promise myself that soon I'll find a way to tell Mia the truth without ruining Coach's life.
I'll find a way.
October, two and a half months before the accident
When I show up to the house party, half the people there are already drunk. I had to work late and I missed the game. Bad girlfriend. Bailey texted me updates at every time-out and between each quarter. The Blackhawks won in overtime. I didn't think I'd even be able to make it to the party, but I wanted to surprise Brogan. He hates that I have to work so much, and he really hates when I miss his games.
Things haven't been right between us since my birthday, and I can't figure out if that's my fault or his. Did my heart-to-heart with Arrow leave me looking for fault in Brogan, or has he really been more distant and moody since he came home from the wedding last weekend?
Keegan is in the kitchen, pouring a drink for a pretty, fragile-featured girl with dark pixie-cut hair. His eyes go wide when he sees me. "Mia. I thought you couldn't come tonight."
"I got off early. Have you seen Brogan?"
"Um." His loud swallow gives him away. Keegan is a shitty liar. "I think he left?"
"He's upstairs," the girl says. "I saw him head up there with-" She stops speaking at Keegan's hard glare. A weird sickness immediately fills my stomach at what she didn't say. I'm already pushing past them to the stairs at the back of the house. He hasn't just been moody. He's been secretive.
"Mia," Keegan calls. I hear him on the stairs behind me, but I rush forward anyway.
Don't be that guy, Brogan. Don't be that guy.
I throw open bedroom doors, one after another, until I find them.
Brogan's sitting on the edge of the bed, one hand buried in the hair of the girl sucking him off.
"Brogan." I don't mean to speak. It just comes out. All my disappointment and heartbreak in that one word.
He's slow to respond. He's drunk, I tell myself. He doesn't know what he's doing. But God, it hurts. He's drunk. He's stressed. He's upset that his girlfriend doesn't show up to half his home games. My mind scrambles to pile on excuses-like putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding-but his betrayal bleeds through.
When he opens his eyes, the way the shock rolls over his face is almost comical. The way Trish snaps her head back, his dick popping out of her mouth, is almost comical.
"Mia." Keegan's hand closes around my shoulder, and I shake it off.
Brogan pushes Trish away, and in his haste to get his pants zipped, he catches his dick in the zipper. "Fuck," he growls.
"Karma works quickly," I say softly. Then I shake my head, because part of what I always loved about Brogan was that I trusted him. I believed he'd never hurt me. "I'm done. This is over."
I don't scream or shout or even shed a tear. It's like I flip the switch I found after Mom left and shut all that off. I turn and push past Keegan, who looks so guilty you'd think he was the one caught with his pants down.
"Why'd you let her up here?" Brogan shouts at him.
"You're an ass," Keegan replies.
I don't hear any more because I make a beeline for the door. I don't bother with my car but keep walking until I get to the dorms. I'm not even sure what makes me go to Arrow, but that's where I am before I can even think it through. He opens the door to his quad, and as soon as he sees my face, he knows.
"What did he do?" he asks, his voice deadly and low.
I bite my bottom lip. "House party. Trish."
"We broke up."
I swallow hard and squeeze my eyes shut. If I could spend a year watching her date my best friend, I can certainly spend another fucking thirty seconds to take a breath before I pull her into my arms.
When I open my eyes, she's worrying that bottom lip between her teeth and twisting her hands. "I probably shouldn't be here," she says, but instead of heading to the door, she opens the door to Mason's and my room. "I just didn't know where else to go, but it was stupid to come here. He's your boy and I-"
"What are you doing?"
She's on her hands and knees, searching for something under Mason's bed. She pulls out a bottle of tequila and gives me a sideways smile as she unscrews the cap. "It's Bailey's stash." She takes a long pull right from the bottle and squeezes her eyes shut as she swallows. "Crap, that burns." She wanders around the room with the bottle in her hand, taking sip after sip as she paces. "I never worried about Trish, you know that? I knew she liked him, but it didn't occur to me that he might like her, too."
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" I ask cautiously. I don't like how quickly she's draining that bottle.
"There's not much to the story, Arrow." She plops onto my bed and takes another swig. "I showed up to surprise him, and Trish was already sucking his dick." She snorts, and a long stream of giggles slips past her lips. "Oh my God, it's so absurd."
"Mia-"
"I give great head," she says, bringing the bottle to her chest.
I rub my temples. Do I really want to be the sweet guy friend who can sit here and listen to her talk about giving Brogan blowjobs? Hell no.
"I mean, I do all the things you're supposed to do, and he sure seems to like it, but what do I know? Maybe I suck." She snorts again. "Get it? I suck?" She takes another drink, and I walk across the room and pull the bottle from her hand.
"Yeah, I get it, Mia." I put the bottle on top of the dresser.
She stretches out on my bed, arms above her head. "Why do guys cheat, Arrow? Are they programmed that way, or is it me?" Her BHU T-shirt raises up to expose her navel and the smooth skin of her stomach. "I bet it's the blowjob thing. I bet I'm no good."