Spinning Out(The Blackhawk Boy #1)(20)

"Arrow, I'm a Mexican from a trailer park. My father's a drunk, and my brother is a convicted drug dealer."

"Is that seriously the sum of how you see yourself?"

"Isn't that what you see when you look at me?"

"No." My heart hammers as I look at her, wishing we had more light so I  could see her eyes. "I see you, Mia. Just you." I want to say more, to  tell her how bright she shines, to explain that her family is half of  what leaves me in awe of her. I'm not blind to my privilege. I get how  lucky I am, how much has been handed to me from the day I was born. But  Mia doesn't have any of that. Everything she is and has, she earned  without help from her family. And yet she's constantly doing everything  for her dad and writing letters to her brother in prison. I've never met  a person as selfless as her.

She shakes her head and lowers her voice. "She'll never love me, but  before tonight I was optimistic enough to believe she might accept me  someday. I've been fooling myself. Hell, maybe I should make use of your  idea and go in there and see if some kind soul would rid me of my  virginity."

"I'd tackle you before you reached the door."

She laughs again. "Why do you care so much?"

Because I've thought of you as my own since the day we met.

"Right," she whispers. "Brogan." She groans. "I'm so disgusted with  myself right now. His grandmother just had a stroke, and I'm here making  it about me."

"You have every right to be upset."

She scoots away from the tree and leans back, stretching out on the  grass and looking up at the leaves. "What would you do if you were me?"

Dangerous territory, my brain warns. Tread carefully. "That depends. Does he make you happy?"

"I hate that question. Generally, I'm opposed to the whole idea of someone being responsible for someone else's happiness."

"You're dodging. How do you prefer I ask the question?"

She sighs. "I love my time with him. He's so funny and he makes me feel . . ."

I wait for her to finish even though I want to take the nearest exit  from this conversation, even though I want to show her how much I could  make her feel. Not in the cards, asshole.

"I love how much he loves being with me. Does that sound self-centered?  He makes me feel so precious and valued. No one's ever made me feel like  that before. No one's ever said the things he says to me and made me  believe them."

It's like she handed me a blade and I can't help but cut, can't help but  slice into the wound just to watch it bleed. "Like what?"

"It will sound stupid." She's still staring at the leaves overhead.

"I doubt it."

"He said I make him want to walk without a net."

"What does that mean?"

She shakes her head and sighs, a halfway smile curving her lips. "It doesn't matter."

Good. I don't know that I want to hear much more about the Great and  Incomparable Brogan and the sweet nothings he whispers to Mia. "What are  you looking at up there?"

"When I was a little girl, Mom would lie with me like this if I couldn't  sleep. The wind would blow, and the starlight would peek between the  leaves. She told me the light was dancing fairies." She swallows hard.  "She told my brother and me that we had to be quiet or we'd scare them  away. So we'd watch in complete silence, Mom lying between us, and we'd  fall asleep like that."                       
       
           



       

I swing around and lower myself to lie on the grass beside her and watch  the starlight peek between the leaves. We're the only people on the  backside of the lawn, and even though I can hear everyone who's hanging  out up by the house, it feels like we're alone. Just Mia, me, and the  dancing fairy light.

"Your mom sounds amazing," I whisper, as if speaking too loudly really will scare away the fairies.

"She was. Sometimes I miss her so much. It feels like she took a piece  of my guts with her when she left, as if I've never functioned properly  since."

I know exactly how that feels. "What happened?"

"She left my dad and moved away. She doesn't visit."

"Does she call?"

"A couple of times a year, but it's always so awkward that I hang up  wishing she hadn't." Then she bursts into giggles. Not sardonic laughter  or chuckles, but giddy, nearly maniacal giggles. It's a sound that  brings a smile to my face. I can't imagine anyone could hear Mia laugh  and not smile.

"What?" I ask. She rolls to her side to face me, and now we're close  enough that I can see her eyes. When they lock on mine, I have to  swallow hard and will myself to stay put, to resist the instinct to  close the distance left between us. Not mine. But the pull I feel toward  her is as consistent as the gravity keeping us on the ground.

"Oh my God, Arrow. I am the biggest buzzkill of the century."

"I wasn't buzzed, so you couldn't be a buzzkill."

"Seriously, though, you should go back to the real party. My pity party is no way to spend your Friday night."

"I'm not going to leave you unsupervised until I'm positive you're not  going to offer up your virginity to the first fool willing to take it."  Unless that fool is me. Fuck, I don't even know what I'm doing, but I  can't stop. I roll so we're facing each other. A lock of dark hair has  fallen across her cheek and brushes her lips. I want to smooth it away  with my fingers, lean in and taste those lips for myself. "Mia . . ."  Not yours, asshole.

She brushes the hair away before the impulse to do it myself can win me over. "You really think I'd do that?"

"No." I smile. "But I do think Bailey might do it for you if she thought she could get away with it."

"Probably! God, please don't mention it to her. The way she goes on  about Mason's skills, she'd probably ask him to do the honors, and Bail  and I are close but I don't know that I want to share lovers with her."

I draw in a ragged breath and feel as if I'm about to step out onto ice I  know is too thin to support me. "I know we're just joking here, but can  I say something in all seriousness?"

Her face grows serious, and her gaze drops to my lips. "What?"

"Don't throw it away on some asshole who isn't one hundred and ten  percent worthy. And that includes Brogan. If you're not doing it because  you want to, don't do it at all."

"You don't think he'll leave me if I make him wait?" Her voice is small, as if she's afraid to speak the secret fear too loudly.

"Any guy who sees you for as special as you are will wait until you're ready."





October, three months before the accident



"I can't go to the Cavern," I tell Bailey as she drags me out of the car. "I'm not twenty-one."

She rolls her eyes. "Look at you. No bouncer in his right mind is going  to card you." Stopping, she grins and pulls something from her back  pocket and shoves it into my hands. "And there's this."

"You didn't." I study the fake ID with my picture and name.

"Consider it your birthday present. Come on! They have karaoke. It'll be fun!"

I follow her into the Cavern, a popular hangout for preppy college kids  who fancy themselves craft-beer aficionados. She leads me to a big  U-shaped booth in the back that's already filled with the usual  suspects-Chris, Mason, Trent, Keegan, and Trish, a girl who always seems  to show up at these get-togethers, whether she's invited or not. The  only two missing are Brogan and Arrow. Brogan's out of town with his  family for a couple of nights, so I know he won't be joining us.

I was supposed to go with him. Until his mom found out about our plans.

I shove the thought from my mind before it can latch on. It's my birthday. I'm not going to turn tonight into a pity party.

"Hey, Mia."

And there's Arrow. The sound of his voice murmuring my name sends chills  up my spine and makes the butterflies in my stomach do a little dance.                       
       
           



       

Pretty much, I hate myself.

I take my seat in the booth and Bailey positions herself on the side  opposite me. When Arrow slides in beside me, I smile at him, as if  sitting next to him here is no big deal, as if I haven't spent the last  year avoiding being this close to him.

"You could have sat by me, Arrow," Trish says from the other side of the semicircle.

Snorting, Bailey cocks a brow at her. "And have you molest him under the table?"

Chris props his elbows on the table and leans forward. "Where's Brogan?"

"His cousin's getting married tomorrow," I say. "But don't worry. He'll be back for the game on Saturday."

"Right, the wedding," Keegan says. "But I thought you were gonna go with him? Make a weekend of it or something?"