I pause, inhaling and exhaling deeply. “Drugs, women, money … At first it was just a few E pills. Then we were heavy on coke. We were barely sleeping for days at a time. The pills we were taking to come down just weren’t cutting it anymore, and then at one festival we were offered heroin. That was always my hard limit, but I was so out of my mind that night, I tried it. We agreed, just this once. It numbed my pain unlike anything I’d ever had … One time turned into … more than once …”
She puts her hand on my shoulder and gives it a little squeeze.
“He died of an overdose after one of my sets. He had left early with a woman, and when I walked back into our hotel room I found him dead. His pants were around his ankles and he was lying on the bathroom floor. It was … sad, really. That’s when I knew I had to get my shit together; that I couldn’t live like that anymore. I went to rehab for six months, and when I got out I came back here to take a break from everything.”
I swallow hard as I let her process this. I’m surprised when she puts her mug down and lays her head on my shoulder, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“You’re doing so well,” she praises me in a soft tone.
“I have two reasons not to screw up now,” I say against her hair.
“Two?” she asks.
“You and Parker,” I reply. “I don’t want to disappoint either one of you, or let you down. I want to be a father that he can be proud of. I will be a father that he can be proud of.”
“I know you will,” she replies, pulling away and wiping her eyes.
“Don’t cry,” I whisper, hating to see her upset. “I’m also going to make sure I can be everything you deserve.”
“You need to want it for yourself more than anything, Tane,” she says softly. “I think that’s the only way you’re going to beat this thing long-term.”
I think that over. “You’re right.”
She forces a trembling smile. “I just never thought this would happen to us, you know? To be apart for so long, and to have all these things happen to you … I just wish you were here with me that whole time instead, because I never would have given up on you.”
You don’t deserve her.
I push away the thought and wrap my arms around her tighter, her body pushed up against mine.
“We’re gonna be okay,” she says.
I nod, hoping that she’s right. I know I don’t deserve her, or Parker, not after everything that I did. What I do know is that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to the both of them.
And I intend to do just that.
*****
“I’m assuming Giselle told you about us then,” Levi says before sipping his drink whilst eyeing me over the rim of the glass.
How did he know? Every time I looked at him I wanted to punch him in the face for touching my woman. I’m guessing he could tell. Was I that obvious?
“She did,” I say in a careful tone. “I know it’s not fair for me to hold that against you, and don’t get me wrong, because I’m so fucking grateful you were there for her, but I’m also jealous.”
I put the truth out there; no bullshit. Complete honesty.
Levi nods. “I get that. You weren’t here; I was. I love Giselle, but she’s always loved you. Even when you didn’t deserve it, which was most of the time. Her and I are nothing but friends now, but I’m telling you, that will never change. We will always be in each other’s lives. I consider you a friend too, so I’m hoping we can all be okay.”
And I get pure honesty in return—I can respect that. “I know Giselle loves you, my son loves you … and hell, you have been my friend since I can remember,” I tell him, struggling to find the right words to say. “As long as you realize you and her are only friends, then I think we can be cool.”
He pauses for a second, but then nods with a little grin on his face. I’m jealous, but I need to let it go, because I have no right to be. He was here, I wasn’t. That’s on me, no one else. The consequences are mine and mine alone. My burdens to bear.
“Be good to her,” he says finally.
“Fuck, man, I never want to hurt her again,” I admit.
The door opens and Gage walks in with a woman, holding her hand. “Hey guys,” he says when he sees us. “This is Bianca.”
The cute, petite blonde waves at us. “Nice to meet you.” Her voice is soft and sweet. She definitely doesn’t seem like Gage’s usual type, but I guess that’s changed.
We mumble our replies as they head into his room. My eyebrows hitting my hairline, I turn to Levi. “Serious?”