I deserved that. I welcomed the pain. Physical pain is easier to take than emotional. Scars heal easier on the outside.
I close my eyes and will myself to sleep. Tomorrow I need to make everything right.
Tomorrow I become a father.
Chapter Eight
Giselle
After a rough night of tossing and turning, I stand barefoot in my kitchen flipping pancakes.
“Pancakes,” Parker cheers as he sits down at the table.
“Are your yes-sirs having breakfast with us?” I ask with a raised eyebrow. He has a bunch of toy soldiers in his hand, which he refers to as yes sirs. He has called them that ever since he could talk, and I find it too adorable to correct him.
Parker gives me a lopsided smile. “You’re silly, Mama.”
I grin as I crack an egg to fry in a separate pan. I’m not in the mood for pancakes today.
I serve our food and sit adjacent to Parker. We have breakfast together, and Parker manages to eat most of his by himself. Of course, a lot of the food ends up on the table and floor, and as I’m cleaning up there is a knock at the door. I was wondering when he would arrive.
The walk to the front door seems unusually long.
“Good morning,” I say as I open the door wide, welcoming Tane inside.
“Hey,” he rumbles. He looks like he didn’t get much sleep either. His eye looks bruised and painful. He walks into the kitchen and comes to a standstill when he sees Parker. He drums his fingers on his thigh, clearly not sure how to handle the situation. I watch as his gaze rakes over his son, taking in every little feature. He swallows, and then glances at me for guidance.
“Parker, Tane is here,” I say, trying to keep my voice as unaffected as possible. Parker turns around and gives Tane a smile. Tane gives him a forced smile back, his eyes not straying from Parker’s face. I have no idea how he wants to do this. Does he want me to tell Parker? Pale-green eyes disappear as Tane squeezes his lids shut. The air in the room is thick.
I clear my throat.
“Tane …”
“Let me talk to him, please,” he says in a hoarse voice. His eyes flutter open and the look in them is intense. Pleading. I don’t want him to. I feel nervous, not sure whether I should speak to Parker instead. However, I nod, and head back to the sink to finish washing up. I need to give Tane this chance, don’t I? He’s the one who needs to build a relationship with Parker.
I always defended my actions by saying that I tried, but the truth is I could have tried harder. Tane not having been a part of Parker’s life isn’t all his fault. In fact, I’d say it’s mostly mine. It wasn’t fair of me to assume that Tane wasn’t ready when I really had no idea how he’d have handled the situation if he’d known I was pregnant. This whole situation is a complete mess of what ifs. This is the reality of it though, and there is no point in questioning it anymore. It is what it is and we need to make the most of it for my son’s happiness.
Tane and Parker walk into the lounge room, side by side. Parker looks up at him, then copies the way Tane pulls at the bottom of his t-shirt. I sigh heavily. I have no idea what Tane’s going to tell my son; I just hope Parker doesn’t get too upset. I have no idea how he’s going to take this, or how much of it he’s going to understand completely.
I last a whole minute before I change my mind about being in that room with them.
Screw this.
I turn the tap off and quickly dry my hands on the closest hand towel. I know Tane wants to do this alone, but I need to be there. This should be a family discussion.
I walk into the lounge room. Their conversation ceases at my entrance, so I take a seat opposite them and nod at Tane for him to continue. He watches me a moment, giving me a gentle look, then turns back to Parker.
“I know you’ve only met me a few times, but I’m going to be spending a lot of time with you from now on …” Tane says, swallowing. “I hope you don’t mind me spending time here?”
Parker shakes his head. “I like it. You’re fun.”
Tane grins a little at that. “I’m glad you think so. I think you’re fun too.”
“I like beating you at shooting games,” Parker adds, then turns to me with a guilty look on his face. My eyes narrow on Tane, who shrugs as if he has no idea what Parker is talking about.
Typical.
“Do you know what a dad is, Parker?”
Parker nods enthusiastically. “Bobby has a dad.”
I bite my lip to stop it from quivering. Bobby is his best friend, and he likes to talk about him a lot. Everything is Bobby this and Bobby that, but I haven’t heard him talk about dads before. We’ve never really discussed it, other than when I told him that his dad lives somewhere else. He didn’t ask why, just nodded and accepted it.