“Not that you’re making sure that never happens,” Harper says on the sly, but I ignore her as Jakob grins at me.
“That’s why you’re my favorite,” he says, sitting down and holding out his nachos to me. He’s offering some to me, but I’m stunned in place. I knew Harper would be mad at me. I get it, I’m mad at myself, but I don’t want Jakob to be when he finds everything out. I clear my throat and look over at him once more. “Hey Jakob, I need to tell you something.”
I feel Harper’s gaze on me as he wipes his teeth with his tongue before looking back at me. “What’s up?”
“I fucked up.” He scrunches up his face, and I beg my heart to be still. “I hurt Ally, and it was completely avoidable, but I was too scared of what I was feeling.”
He pauses, his eyes narrowing on mine. “Okay… Are you fixing it?”
“I’m trying,” I admit, praying that what I have planned will work and she won’t throw our relationship on the shelf to rot. “But I told her a week ago that I wanted to tell you that we are in a relationship. Things are in limbo right now, but I have every intention of spending my life with her.”
“Yet you won’t tell her you love her,” Harper says, and man, Ally is so much like her.
Jakob scoffs, shaking his head. “It’s about damn time.” I blink, and even Harper angles her head around me to look at him in shock. “What? Those two are so in love, it makes us look like we just met.” He then smacks me on the back, knocking the air out of me. I don’t know if he meant it to be so hard, but I’m pretty sure it was a warning. “No worries. You got this, bud. I trust you, and I know my baby will be good as long as she’s with you. We all make mistakes. It’s how you come back from them that matters.”
When he goes back to his nachos, I look down to the court in shock. Okay, so apparently, I am the last to know the truth. I may need to look into getting some help for my emotional issues. But that thought fades away when Ally’s name is called and she runs onto the court, waving to everyone but me, I’m sure. As she reaches her spot, she looks up, grinning. But then our eyes meet. Everything goes hot inside me, I yearn for her, and tears burn my eyes as I stare at her. I want to run down there, wrap my arms around her, and tell her how sorry I am. How fucked up I am that she won’t talk to me. But just as quickly as her eyes fall in line with mine, she looks away.
Almost unaffected.
My shoulders droop. Surely—God, please—surely, this will work. As they finish the lineup, they all turn for the National Anthem. I’m on edge as I stand, honoring our flag. I know my moment is coming, and I pray it works.
When the announcer’s voice fills the gym, I take off my coat and throw it down in my chair as everyone sits down. Harper looks up at me and then smiles. “That’s a sweet shirt.”
I try to smile, but I don’t want to smile for anyone but Ally.
“My heart is on the court,” Jakob reads, and he grins. “Sticky-sweet cute.”
“You would know,” Harper calls over to him, but I swallow hard and gaze down at Ally while I wait.
“Now, if we can have the attention of our captain, there is a message on the jumbotron just for you.”
I watch as Ally’s eyes move to the jumbotron I clean, to see my message I planned.
I’m sorry.
Her eyes move from the screen to me, and I see her read my shirt. And nothing. No smile. There is no emotion on her face. She doesn’t come running up the stairs into my arms; she stands there, looking at me. The whole gym is oohing and aahing, but Ally doesn’t move. Slowly, she shakes her head and then moves her gaze to her team as she yells, “Bring it in, Bullies!”
My heart about falls out of my ass as Jakob asks, “You got another shirt?”
I swallow hard. “Nope. This is it.”
“Got another plan?”
“Nope. I might be super screwed.”
Harper asks, “Why wouldn’t you just say it, Ash?”
“Because I wanted it to be from my heart,” I say on an exhale. “And now it may not matter.”
When she takes my hand in hers, I look at her, and she gives me a strained smile. “Don’t give up. You know how she is when her pride is hurt.”
Jakob laughs. “Yup, she’s a hard nut to crack when she’s in her feelings. Just ask her mom.”
“In her feelings? Who are you?” Harper yells at him, and he grins.
“I coach thirty young hockey players. I listen to more Drake than I care to admit.”
As they argue, I feel the emptiness inside me grow.
I hate the feeling, but I know I won’t give up.
Not when she chases away that emptiness in the way only she can do.
Chapter Thirty-One
Ally
I wait as long as I can before heading into the gym. I’m praying Asher isn’t there. I’m not ready to face him, and I can’t believe what he did. It’s so unlike him. I really hope he wasn’t trying to tell me he loves me by what he wrote on his shirt. If so, I might just burn the shirt. I don’t want to know that way, and I sure as hell don’t want an apology. What is he apologizing for? Not loving me? Or admitting that he loves me? That’s silly. I don’t want that; I want him to look at me and tell me he feels what I feel. I want his forever.
I slide his mom’s ring down onto my finger, and my heart aches. I don’t even know what to think about it. He lied about the ring, and for what? It all makes no sense, and I’m unsure what to do. Do I face him, get some answers, and then decide how to proceed? Or do I wait it out? What am I waiting out, though? I’m just so confused, and I don’t want to act based on the fact that I miss him. That I love him and want to be with him. I want to know I’m as important to him as he is to me.
I must be different because I don’t want his actions—I want his truth.
I head out, my heart in my throat, and decide I’m hoping he is with my parents. We need to talk; I can’t do this anymore. When I get out in the gym, though, he’s not there. Just my mom and dad. Disappointment chokes me as I go into my dad’s arms, hugging him tightly. “Great game, sweetheart.”
I nod against his chest. “Thanks, Daddy.”
He lifts my chin, grinning down at me. “You okay?”
I search his eyes. “Did Asher tell you?”
He nods. “Told me that he was in a relationship with you, but things are in limbo and he’s trying to fix it, but you shut that down very quickly.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat as my mom says, “I think you two need to talk.”
“Did he leave?”
“Yeah, before the game started.”
That hurts, but I made sure not to look up in the stands. I wasn’t sure I could handle looking into those wounded eyes. “Oh. Okay.”
“Maybe call him?”
I nod. “Yeah, maybe.” Though I say that, I don’t know if I will. I’ve probably hurt his feelings with the way I handled his grand gesture, but nobody has ever done that. I didn’t know how to act or even what to do. I know what they do in the movies, but this isn’t a college romantic comedy; this is my life, and I gotta figure this shit out. “I’ve got an early morning. I’m going to head back to the dorm. Get some sleep.”
Mom wants to argue, but Dad squeezes my shoulders. “Sounds good, honey. Call if you need anything.”
“Swallow your pride, Allison. He’s hurting.”
I don’t respond to my mom or even acknowledge what she says. I know he’s hurting—hell, I’m hurting, but I don’t know if space or his declaration can fix this. I don’t even know if it is fixable. I don’t want to believe my toxic thoughts, but I’m terrified they’re right. I need to sleep on this. Or go to his place and kiss him.
I’m so confused.
I head out with tears filling my eyes, and I cuddle deeper in my jacket once I’m outside. The walk to my dorm is quick, thankfully, but on cold nights like these, after games, Asher would keep me warm. The same could be true tonight, but my impatience, pride, and need for three words may have ruined that. I really didn’t think crossing that line with Asher would be this complicated, but then, is it? Or did we—or, really, did I—make it complicated? This very well may be my fault, and I don’t know how to handle that.
But seeing him made me recognize how badly I missed him.
I take out my phone and stare at my wallpaper. It’s a photo of Asher and me on our “first” date. We’re lying in front of the fireplace, my mouth is full of s’mores, and he’s kissing my cheek. It reminds me so much of when we were younger at camp, minus the kissing part. Some of my greatest memories are with him. Not just at camp, but everywhere.
Just being with him made for amazing memories, no matter what we were doing.
Without really thinking, I hit his contact in my phone. When his voice comes over the line, my whole body catches on fire.
“Hey.”
I hold back my sob. I’ve missed him so much. I hold my student ID to my dorm’s entrance keypad and push the door open as I say, “Hey, um… You left.”
“Er, yeah. I was embarrassed.” His voice is rough, low. “The romantic movies of the world set me up for failure. If I had done that in a movie, you would have run up the stairs and kissed me.”