I can’t do this.
I won’t be a pawn in his game.
His comfort.
His new version of Jasmine.
I am better than that.
I push off the back of the elevator and push him away, detangling him from me as he steps out of the elevator. His face is full of pure shock; I’ve never in my life stopped hugging him first. Never. As the door slowly shuts, I can hardly see him through my tears, but with all the strength I can muster, I say, “All I want is for you to love me.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ally
I’ve had my heart broken before, and each time, it hurt. No one wants to be dropped like a bad habit. I’ve always wanted to be loved. I want what my parents have, and in my heart, I always knew I would have it with Asher. I knew it would take a while, had to grow the balls to tell him how I felt, but once I did, we’d live happily ever after. In my mind, it was all so perfect. Everything I wanted. But what I didn’t expect to happen was for him throw a wrench in my little dream and keep himself locked down.
Oh, I’m so mad at him.
He’s so overwhelmingly frustrating. I just don’t understand. I’ve gone over every message from this past month, every touch, every word he spoke, and I still can’t make sense of it. How can he do all these amazing, perfect, loving-relationship things, and not own up to actually loving me? Yes, it gives me power over him, but doesn’t he realize he has the same power over me? But I guess he did the same thing with Jasmine. I hate to keep comparing our relationships, but it’s hard not to. Ever since I learned that he never loved her, it’s bothered me. He had all of us fooled, convinced she was it for him.
Stupid me, I thought I was different.
But even thinking that, I know I am. I’m so very different. We have so much history; I know him. He knows me, and ugh, it’s all such shit. Why is he being this way? I am not Jasmine. I’m not anyone but me, and I know—oh, how I know—I mean something to him. His actions, they scream love, yet he can’t recognize that. Damn it. It’s been almost a week since I watched those doors shut on him, and each day has hurt more than the last.
Never have we gone this long without talking. It’s been more me than him since the first day. I listen to my phone ring, ding, and ultimately die because of how much he’s called and texted me. I didn’t even read the messages or listen to the voice mails. I deleted everything and blocked him. I need time. I need to think. He is so intertwined in my life, and not because of our families, but because I want him to be. I love starting my day talking to him, FaceTiming with him, and being with him. But knowing that I feel all this and he doesn’t… It’s knocked me down a few levels.
It’s demanded I open my eyes.
Maybe I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. Maybe he’s not capable of loving me. If that’s the case, then I need to learn to live my life without him. Which is what I’ve been doing. Has it hurt? More than I care to admit.
When I went to my adviser for some leads, she suggested California. I had to zip my purse shut to keep my phone inside it. I wanted nothing more than to call Asher and ask what he thought. I’m so used to having him as my sounding board, my partner, that I think I’m allowing myself to be played because I want something that may not be there.
I’ve gone to my classes, but have I paid attention? Not really, but I chalk that up to the fact that I’m going through some things. I’ve gone to practice, and I’ve worked just like before. Yes, I’m forcing myself because I have to prove to myself that I can live without Asher Brooks.
I have to make sure I’m not settling for his bullshit because he’s all I want and know. I’ve been treated like shit and settled for it because I couldn’t have Asher. I wanted so much to be loved, and then I finally found myself achieving all my relationship hopes and dreams. My perfection. But what if this relationship isn’t what I think it is? I honestly don’t want to think the worst, but I can’t shake the idea that Asher started this relationship with me and never intended to give me even an ounce of himself.
And that hurts more than the Thanks he responded with when I told him how I felt.
I just don’t know what to do. I miss him. Oh, I miss him more than words could ever express, but I think he needs time to think this through. And I need time to figure out if I want to settle for the fact that he may never love me. Hell, I’ve done it before with other men, and I was never as happy as he makes me. So, really, what’s the problem?
The problem is I want Asher to love me with everything inside him, just like I love him.
I close my eyes as I sigh, pressing my hand into my stomach. It just hurts. Everything hurts because I miss Asher so much. I swallow past the sob in my throat as I make the muffins I’ve promised Posey. How I even made it to her apartment is beyond me. But the fact that I’ve plastered a huge smile on my face and I’m acting like nothing is wrong is creating an Emmy-worthy performance. While I’ve done my fair share of crying, I’m proud of myself for keeping it moving. I may feel lost without him, but at least I know if I decide that I want to end this, I’ll be okay. Ish, I’ll be okayish. Ugh, I miss him, and I sure as hell don’t know what to do.
I move the ring he gave me around and around on my finger as I put the liners in the pan. I don’t even know why I am still wearing it, but I can’t bring myself to take it off, which really tells me we’re not done. I’m just mad, upset, and I know we need the time to figure out everything in my head. I’m not naïve; I know he won’t just suddenly love me after this time apart. But maybe he’ll be honest with himself. Hopefully his feelings for me will outweigh his fear of the unknown. Hell, he’s so confident that he’s got me, so why can’t he believe it’s the exact same for me?
I start to pour batter in the liners as I try to ignore my internal monologue. Since arriving at Posey and Boon’s place, my mom and Elli have been gushing over Posey, cleaning and making sure she is taken care of. I really don’t know why; Boon has everything under control, but I guess they never can stop being moms. My beautiful Posey sits on a pillow on her barstool as her mom braids her hair and fusses over her. She’s still in some pain, but her color is back. They’ve switched her meds once more, and these are actually working. Her body is healing and it’s gonna take time, but I know she’ll be her spunky self in no time. It’s still hard to look at her, though. It wasn’t my miscarriage, but knowing I could have lost her guts me. If I don’t keep space between us, I’ll be like Elli, kissing her at every turn and gushing over her.
Posey is already annoyed with everything else. She doesn’t need my emotional issues.
“We’re gonna go clean the tub and shower,” Elli informs her daughter, and Posey groans.
“Mom, I think Boon already has.”
“I know, but I want to make sure it’s done to my standards. Bless him, he’s been so concerned with you, he might have missed something.”
She doesn’t give Posey time to argue; she walks away with my mom in tow. Posey’s eyes meet mine, and I force a smile. “How do I argue with her?”
“I don’t think you can.”
“Oh, I can,” she says, leaning on the bar, her head resting on her forearm. “I’m just too tired to do so.”
When some batter spills down my hand, I feel panic fill my chest as I quickly put everything down to take off my ring. I don’t want to ruin it. It’s so pretty, and while it’s a completely confusing gift, it’s still a gift from Asher.
Always, Asher.
Tears burn my eyes as I lay it on the counter, but just as I set it down, I notice Posey’s eyes widen. I go to grab it before she does, but Posey is quick, even in her healing state. “Damn, girl, where did you get this?”
I wait. Surely, a lie will come, but nothing. Only tears. Only heartache.
How do I tell my other best friend that I’m in love with my best friend, but he’s acting like an idiot? I mean, I guess I could say that, but I don’t want to get into it.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say, taking the ring from her and setting it down again. I feel her gaze on me as I wash my hands before replacing the ring on my finger. “It’s nothing.”
“Oh, it’s something. Are you involved with someone? You are! How long? Also, rude for not informing me!”
I take in a deep breath. “It’s complicated.”
She looks down the hall for our moms and then back to me. “I’ve got all the time in the world for you.” I move to put the muffins in the oven, and then I turn back to her. “Do they know?” I shake my head, and she nods. “Well, spill the beans, Ally. But I’m warning you now, if it’s Taco, I might be the one to strangle you, and Asher isn’t here to stop me.”
Asher isn’t here to stop me.
I don’t know why that hits me the way it does. I try to swallow my sob, I try to fight back the tears, but concern fills Posey’s features right away. She reaches for my hand, and as our fingers lace, I meet her gaze. “I’m in love with Asher.”
It’s like watching the gears turn in her head as she processes what I’ve just admitted. She takes in a deep breath, her eyes locked with mine, and as she exhales, she says, “What happened?”