I’m squinting at him, literally squinting. “Seriously? What the hell did this night mean?” I ask, my voice rising. “‘Hey, you’re a great lay, here are some fuck-me-stupid shoes, a dress I can tear off you, and these diamonds. Yeah, no big deal. Let’s throw those in there so you’ll continue to fuck me!’” He shakes his head, trying to get closer to me, but I won’t let him. “Is that what it meant?”
“Ally, please. Calm down.”
“Calm down? Because telling a pissed-off woman to calm down actually fucking calms her down!” He sighs deeply, his face beet red, and I want to kick him. Right in the knee. “I can’t believe this. What am I to you?”
“Everything,” he says with his whole body, his arms outstretched, his shoulders tense as his eyes burn into mine. “Everything, Ally. I promise. I have never felt like this about anyone but you. You’ve got to believe me.”
“Then, why? Why do all this, why give me this ring, if you can’t even tell me you love me?”
“Because I wanted you to feel special. I wanted you to know you mean the world to me.”
“But you don’t love me,” I offer, and again with the blank stare. “So, you haven’t mentally moved from friendship to me being your girlfriend? You’re stuck in the friends with benefits zone that you don’t want to leave because the sex is so good?”
He looks down, taking in a deep breath. “It’s not like that at all. Not even close.”
“Then what is it?” I demand, and his shoulders droop. “Why don’t you love me?” I didn’t intend for my voice to break, it makes me sound weak, but I don’t get it. “I’m awesome. I’m a damn good time. I’m great to look at, and I’m smart. You always said you wanted someone you could talk to, and that’s me. Not only that, Asher, we are great in bed together. So damn good. So please, please explain to me why you don’t love me?”
He doesn’t answer right away. He doesn’t even move. He just drags in deep breaths, his whole body filling with them before he lets them out with a huge exhale. It’s so sad to see, but I refuse to allow myself to feel guilt.
“You’re confusing the fuck out of me, and I deserve an answer,” I insist. “I bet you didn’t do this to Jasmine.”
His eyes cut to mine, and the emotion in them scares the hell out of me. “You’re fucking right, I didn’t. I lied to her. Told her things I never truly meant. But with you, I won’t do that because you’re right, you do deserve better.” He takes a step toward me, and his eyes are swimming in tears. “I don’t want to lie to you, I don’t. I want to be able to look you in the eye and tell you the uninhibited truth, but I can’t do that yet. Giving you the truth, giving you that power, Ally…it scares the fuck out of me.”
“Power?”
“Yes, the power to break me. It scares me.”
I blink. “I hate your fear.”
His eyes widen. “What?”
“I hate it. I think it’s ridiculous because, guess what, I was fucking scared too, but I fell in love with you anyway! I essentially threw my heart at you because I thought you wouldn’t break it. I thought you would protect it, cherish it, just like you do me. But fuck, Asher, what are we even doing?” I cup my forehead and hate the tears that are rolling down my cheeks. “I thought when we decided to take this to the next level, you were with me.”
“Ally, I am.”
“No. You’re not.”
“I fucking am,” he asserts, meeting my gaze, his eyes burning into mine. “I can’t be in love without you.”
I pat myself on the chest, losing control. “I’m right here, Asher. Right here. What else do you want from me? I’ve given you my heart, my soul, and my body, Asher. What? What else can I give you to make you see that I love you!”
“Nothing, Ally. You don’t have to give me anything. I know you love me.”
“Then what is the fucking problem?”
His eyes shut slowly, and a tear leaks out and trails down the side of his face, getting lost in his beard. I refuse to acknowledge it—well, at least I try because, without much warning, a sob rips through me. “I’m the problem,” he says in a near-whisper.
“Obviously!” I yell, holding my palms up at him. “So, quit. Is that really too much to ask?”
“No,” he says before he swallows hard. “You’ve got to understand, Ally baby,” he pleads, his eyes meeting mine. “I’ve spent my whole love life lying and keeping girls at bay. I’d never let any of them get close. But there is no keeping you at bay. I want you to be woven into my life. I want to be close to you because you make me feel. But when you make me feel, you scare me. I never fully opened up to anyone because if things went south, it wouldn’t matter. You know me. You get me, and if I give you all of me, I could lose you.”
I throw up my hands and let out a groan that the neighbors probably can hear. They’re getting quite the show tonight. “Asher, you don’t know that.”
“I do,” he says matter-of-factly. “My dad lost my mom, Shea lost Elli, Aiden lost Shelli. Hell, Posey almost died, which would make Boon lose her. Shit, Ally, can’t you see the risk—”
I grab him by his shorts, yanking him to me. “I am worth the fucking risk, Asher. William. Brooks.” I poke my finger into the middle of his chest. “Either figure that out, or let me the fuck go.”
I start to move away, but he grabs my shoulders, keeping me in place. “I cannot lose you.”
“I will not stand around and be played with.”
“I’m not—”
“If you don’t love me, you’re playing with me to keep me around for your selfish needs. I am not here for that, and I will not be treated this way.”
I go to turn, but he stops me. “I’m not doing that. I care so much for you—”
“As a friend,” I say, yanking my arm from his.
He looks helpless. “Yes, Ally, you are my best friend.”
I shake my head, the tears falling faster, and I know what I promised. I do. But everything hurts. “Then, as your best friend, take my advice. Acknowledge what you have in your hands, or walk away.”
My eyes are held hostage by him for longer than I intend. When I’m finally able to tear them away, I gather my things and slide on some pants. I wipe my face, certain I am doing the right thing. I’m all for being patient and not rushing him, but he doesn’t get to give me the best night of my life, say he wants my future, but then not admit to loving me. I know he does. I fucking know it, and he shouldn’t struggle to tell me so. I walk into the living room to grab my keys. As much as I want to ignore him, I see him leaning on the bar, watching me.
I don’t mean to meet his gaze, but somehow, I do. He sucks in a deep breath, his eyes begging mine. “Please don’t leave.”
“I’ve got an early morning, and you need to find Jesus or something.”
I’m met with silence. “You’re not leaving because of your early morning.”
“Well, no shit,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m leaving because you’ve hurt me.”
He looks away. “See, that’s what happens when you let feelings—”
“Yeah, it does. And you know what, Ash. I still love you. I love you with every part of my body. Look in a mirror, dude, do some soul-searching. Because, guess what, you love me too. You’re just allowing your fear to dictate what potentially could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“Ally—”
“You know what? Call someone. Call Aiden. He’s done this—”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone,” he announces, coming off the bar. He points to me. “I only want to talk to you.”
I drag my hand down my face, wiping my cheek free of tears. “Yeah, well, I don’t want to talk to you right now. I need some time. Stay away from me.”
I turn on my heel and head out. As I shut the door behind me, I urge myself to keep taking steps, but it’s so hard. When I reach the elevator, I hear him running behind me. “Please don’t leave like this.”
“What would you rather I leave as?” I ask as I step onto the elevator. “Want me to tell you I like being played with? That it’s okay?”
“I’m not playing with you.” He holds the elevator doors open with his arm. “I promise I’m not. That’s not my intention.”
My lip trembles as I cross my arms over my chest. “Well, it feels like a game, Asher. A game I can’t play. Not with how I feel for you. Not when I know you can feel the same for me if you only allow yourself.”
“Ally.”
“Let me go, Asher. There is nothing left to say.”
He steps toward me, and I back up until my body hits the back of the elevator. He wraps his arms around me, holding me close, and I close my eyes when he nuzzles my neck with his mouth. I hold him, squeezing him, unable to resist. “I don’t want this. I don’t want this fight. I don’t want to hurt you,” he says against my neck, and my heart shatters in my chest.