Speechless(191)

                * * *

                Noah’s words keep running through my head. Hate is easy, but love takes courage.

                He was right. Hate is too easy. It was easy, back when I used                     to spend so much time and energy spreading nasty rumors about people—if I was a                     better person I’d say I felt guilty when I did it, but mostly it made me feel,                     stupidly, like I had importance, or superiority, or something, when really I was                     just…pathetic. It’d be easy to hate Kristen, too, for not being the best friend                     I thought she was. It’ll probably always hurt a little, but that’s okay. I can                     deal.

                I still hate Warren and Joey for what they did, and I’m not                     ready to forgive them yet. Maybe I never will be. But I can’t let it control my                     life.

                The truth is, the person I’ve been hating more than anyone is                     myself. It is so easy. So easy to look in the mirror at all my imperfections and                     think of all the ways I fall short of someone like Kristen. To struggle with                     geometry equations and underlying meanings in novels and know I’ll never be                     smart the way Asha is. To realize how much I’ve screwed up and to obsess over                     all of the terrible ways I’ve wronged so many people.

                But.

                But even though I know my flaws are many (many many many), and there are always ways I could be better,                     and I should never stop working for that—I also need to give myself a break. I                     can cut myself some slack sometimes. Because I’m a work in progress. Because                     nobody is perfect. At least I acknowledge the mistakes I’ve made, and am making.                     At least I’m trying. That means something, doesn’t                     it?

                And just because I have room for improvement doesn’t mean I’m                     worthless, or that I have nothing to offer to, like, the world.

                Or to Sam.

                I’m thinking about this when I push through the doors into                     Rosie’s, ignoring the Closed sign. As soon as I step inside, Dex tosses me a                     paintbrush and says, “Nice to see you, Chelsea. Now get to work!”

                Lou rolls her eyes. “Don’t be such a slave driver.”

                “You better be repaying us with food,” Andy says as he runs a                     foam roller over the wall by the counter. “I’m thinking burgers.”