He's lost in the noise. Sinking in sounds and actions playing in his mind when all the while he searches for silence.
I know him.
And he is good and strong. He is a SEAL. But he's also beautiful and dedicated, a brother, a son, a friend. He is a father. Oh, God. I bite my lip to hold in a sob. He is a father to JT and a partner to me.
And he is worthy. He's worthy of all the accolades and praise that drowns under grief and sadness and the voices of those who, no matter where their bodies lie today, were left behind.
Including Justin.
Including Justin. Caden's lips move. He says Justin's name, whispers it under his breath like a prayer. He grabs the medal in his fist, lifting it from his chest to his mouth, and he says it again, louder this time. Loud enough so that everyone can hear. He says his name. Justin Taylor Weber. He asks us to remember it, to remember him, and then he tells us about the man who is now a memory.
He was good and strong. He was a SEAL. And he was beautiful and dedicated. He was a brother, a friend, a fiancé, and soon-to-be father. I hold back my cry with a hand over my mouth. He is a father. From Heaven above he'll guide our son, love JT, and me. And Caden.
My family.
Caden's voice cracks and before he can finish, I break away from Charlie. I tear myself from her grip and rush past dozens of Navy officials and Secret Service staff. I fly past the noise, ignore photographers and their snapping flashes, the President and other bureaucrats, focused only on Caden. On his crumbling face, the mist covering his eyes, and the pain. The pain I see and wish I could erase. I launch myself at him but he stays strong, accepting my weight with a muffled oomph buried in my hair.
I hold him so tight. It's all I can do. For a long moment when his chest rumbles against my own, and for minutes as his breath settles, I hold him.
I take in his grief because he needs me to. Together we heal, because there is no other way for us but into the silence where there is love.
I love him.
"Sunshine," he murmurs into me. "I was hanging out in the shade for too long. Where have you been?"
I peel away far enough to look into his turbulent shining eyes and place my hand over his racing heart. "Right here, Caden Lawless. I'll always be right here with you."
A PARTY FOLLOWS the ceremony, but I'm not on Caden's arm. No, he's with the President and his Navy Chief who flew in for the honor. I mingle, as if it's natural to do so alongside the First Lady who insisted I join her. Lord knows I'm not challenging her request. I saw the look she gave her husband earlier. Fierce has a new definition.
History is rich in the White House and so are the furnishings in the ballroom: crystal chandeliers, gold silk drapes, and a skyrocketing ceiling with intricate moldings. We stroll near a grand piano, accepting wine from a waitress while people vie for Charlie's attention. I call upon all of the training my hoity mother thought necessary. For once I agree. There are advisors and the Vice President and his wife, Cabinet members and foreign dignitaries. We mingle and I listen, taking in everything as I had done for so many years in San Francisco, a practiced spy.
"I thought my parents had intense parties, but this is . . . wow," I say to Charlie, looking around the room and the many faces observing every move we make.
She smiles and smoothes out non-existent wrinkles on her gown. "I'm not sure I'll ever get used to being the center of attention, but everyone adapts as time moves on. When life changes, we adjust to a new normal. Don't you think that's true?"
My life has changed more than once over the last year. Justin flashes in my mind. His smiling face, his rough voice, his death, but the memory doesn't rub me raw. He's a little piece of magic I carry around in my heart. And then there's Caden. I find him not five feet away. He has broad shoulders, and a narrow waist accentuated by the perfect fit of his dress blue uniform, but it's his eyes and the storm thundering inside that whip my heart into a frenzy. I want to touch him, reach out and smooth his tense brow, but instead I nod agreement to Charlie. I've adapted. And the truth is, loving Caden Lawless is like taking a breath-necessary-and every cell in my body knows it.
A silver glint catches my attention to our right, and my gaze narrows as my pulse skyrockets. I swivel to get a better look through the kaleidoscope of bodies. "Lockman," I whisper, holding in my surprise at seeing him here and at how much he's aged during the last year. Gray colors his temples and new lines surround his pale brown eyes.
"About that." Charlie maneuvers us to get a better look at my father's business partner. "When Caden asked me to dig into Morgan Lockman and Asil Marik, I did a little more than reach out to Secretary Matthews. Lockman is in D.C. finalizing military contracts so I invited him to dinner. What better time for him to come than when we're celebrating an American hero?"