Sound of Silence(65)

"Go ahead," I mumble.

"My truth is not an excuse-it just is. My head is full of noise, and it's gotten worse. It was bad that day." He swallows. "Really bad. And I got mixed up with too many things."

"What does that mean?

Pain pinches his features together and a quick breath unravels the hurt leaving him open and exposed. "My dad," he sighs.

His story sucks the air from my lungs. After years of wondering, he knows his father is alive. And he found out that night. Guilt prickles at my nape. I should have listened outside of Riley's, yet I let my insecurities shut me down. He's also confirmed the truth I've known in my heart. It clenches in my chest painfully.



       
         
       
        

"You're going to find him, aren't you?"

"Maybe, yes, I don't know. God." He looks at the ceiling and then back at me, pleading with his eyes. "I think I might have to. But I need you to believe me when I say I'm in this with you. I want us. I want this, everything that comes along with a relationship and a family. And I'm sorry. I can't provide any guarantees, but I will promise to do everything in my power to return home alive and whole. I'll work harder and smarter than I ever have so I don't hurt you."

Some of the tension holding my stiff spine eases, and I relax against him. But not all of it. I grab the back of his shoulders to set myself upright to watch his reaction. "Did you kiss Leah?"

"No."

"Did you want to?"

"No." His brow pulls down in a twisted knot of confusion. "Leah and I haven't been together in twelve years. She's a friend now, nothing more. I don't think about her in any way but platonic." As he says his peace, his hand resumes its incessant rubbing and he smiles. "But I can't stop thinking about you. I woke up on the beach that morning dreaming about kissing you. And not just on your mouth. Every place, Piper. Everywhere. I think about it all the time. I think about you. Do you remember the very first time we met?"

My heart thrums too fast because I do. A moment I tried hard to forget suddenly rushes through my mind. A brief passing, but one that slowed down time when our eyes connected, one that saw my pulse thump too hard, one that caught my breath and lightened my head. My body had responded with a flush even when I didn't want it to. I'd looked away from his stormy eyes because I had no right to own that reaction when I loved another man. And I did love Justin, I loved him with every ounce of my soul, but I also felt something for just a moment with Caden.

"Yes." I mean to sound detached but the one word is too breathy and gives away my secret.

He sighs and rests his forehead against my hair. "I owe you the honest to God's truth, Piper. I'm ready to give it to you. Please."

Please. As if I can say no.

I nod, and he continues on a rushed breath, "I've only ever lied to you once. And that was the night in the cemetery when I said I never thought I'd like you. For months before I arrived in Lilyfalls, I tried to talk myself out of the feelings rumbling in my chest. I wanted to do the right thing-to just be your friend and help with JT. But I thought about you when Justin was alive. I thought about meeting you the first time and how hard I got when my hand touched yours. I dreamed about kissing you and fucking you until you begged for it, for my cock, for me. It was my name you'd say when you came, my name you'd scream while I licked you to orgasm. All I could think was mine. Mine, Piper. Just mine. The word bounced like a pinball in my head and my heart every time I heard your name. And every time you called, every letter Justin received, each time he heard your voice and read your words, I wanted you." He sucks in a breath and shudders. "It gutted me. I tried so hard to twist what I felt, manipulate the need into something other than what it was. I convinced myself I just wanted what he had-a life outside of service-a wife and family. But then I stepped through your cottage door, and I couldn't deny it anymore. I just want you." 

I shake my head, his truth too much to take in and stacked against my doubt-because two days ago he looked right through me. "But why did you ignore me. I was-"

Caden cuts me off with his thumb pressed to my lip. "I'm an idiot, Piper, but I always see you. It's impossible not to. I've made more mistakes than I'd like to admit. Checking out on you is one of them. Getting drunk and not coming home are others. Life crashed in on me and I shut down, shut off everything. But then yesterday, I made peace with Justin for wanting his girl and for taking advantage of his death so that you could be mine."