"Your hair's too long, and you need a shave," he points out, smiling.
"Yeah, that happens when you've got time on your hands, and I've had plenty."
He settles in, tugging open his leather jacket and putting a foot on my dash. "I tried to reach you the easy way."
I laugh. "Your voice in my ear isn't exactly a lullaby. And for the record, I've officially crossed the line to insanity. Any minute I'll wake up in a straitjacket with Dr. Strangelove grilling me for information on Operation Paperclip."
"Relax. I'll be gone in a minute. I have some things to say that should be done face-to-face. Then I'll go back to haunting your ass."
I let out a slow breath. This feels so fucking real my fingers shake as I grip the steering wheel. "I'm sorry," I say for the third time in an hour. It seems I'm always fucking things up for the people I care about.
"Yeah, and this is precisely why I'm here. You didn't do anything wrong, Cade. It's called an ambush for a reason. I stepped out of formation because I thought I could take the sniper but he got me first. It's all on me."
"Fuck you," I say, but it's broken by thick regret I can't breathe around. "Fuck you for getting shot, fuck you for getting me shot, and goddamn, Justin, fuck you for dying."
The weight of his hand on my shoulder is as real as it gets, and his face blurs through tears.
"You've got to let it go, Cade. I'm good. Better than good. And let's study up on guilt while I'm here. That son-of-a-bitch will eat you up inside. I know. I had thirty years of it gnawing around my gut about my mom and her death. My dad blamed me, so it must've been true. She died because of me, right? But then I get here." He smiles again, beams like the goddamn sun. "The truth is on the other side, brother, and trust me-it's not what you think. It's better."
I sniffle like JT after a hard cry, afraid if I blink Justin will disappear, but also hoping he does because I'm fucking nuts.
"Listen," he says. "I'm glad you like the dog."
"You did that?"
"I didn't abandon him-I just whispered in your ear so you'd find him on the side of the road. Kind of like a consolation prize-you lost one best friend and then gained another."
"Are you trying to kill me here?" I ask, grabbing my chest through ripping pain.
"Stop your caterwauling. Christ, you're like an infant. I'm giving everything to you on a glorious gold platter, and you're fucking up left and right. But the house was a nice touch, I'll give you that."
I groan and streak my fingers through my hair, leaning my elbow on the door. "I want your girl. I've always wanted her. I want your kid, too, and it's killing me inside because if they're mine, then they can't be yours. It's like I'm driving the final nail in your coffin and reaping rewards because of it."
He punches my arm. "For someone so smart, you're dense. I can't go all Patrick Swayze on her, and let's get real, even if I could, ghost cock isn't exactly satisfying. If she can't be with me, then it's got to be you. And JT, that boy." He drags his leg from the dash, looking out the window, and a moment later, he turns back glassy eyed. "You tell him how much I love him every chance you get. That's all I ask. It doesn't quite seem fair that I get to be here when he has a life full of learning, and I can't help teach him. But you can do it for me, Cade. I'll guide him from above, and you take the reins on the ground. Deal?"
I take his hand in mine, awfully warm for a figment of my imagination. "Could you put in a good word for me with his mom? I kind of fucked up and lost her."
He rolls his eyes. "Get your shit straight. I'm fucking amazing, but I'm not God."
"Right. I'll keep that in mind." My chest constricts again. "You're going now, aren't you?"
"Hey. I'm always around. Ask and I shall answer-if I'm not busy." He shakes my shoulder and laughs. "By the way, my brother, you can have Piper and find your dad. He needs you. Start with that day. The ambush."
The tenuous thread around my sanity unravels, leaving me hanging and unsteady. Cold, wet, and butting the side of my face, Gus's nose drags me back to the present. He whimpers a hoarse wail to get my attention. Blurred lines of the interior dash come into focus as Mom calls out, "Caden?"
What the fuck? I've lost my goddamn marbles before, but not like this episode. Jesus H. Christ. I shake my head to clear the fog.
"Caden, what are you doing?"
My heart leaps as she fills the passenger-side window, the same place . . . No, I'm not going there. Creases around her eyes and the worry within them draw my thoughts back to Piper. JT.