"Give it to me, sunshine. I want your truth."
"Truth." The word cracks and my heart lurches against my ribs. "I didn't think it would happen. You told me it wouldn't. You said he'd be back, and I believed you because I needed to."
She's right, I did, and my once ravenous appetite retreats. I swallow past the bile in my throat and knock away the next muffin thrown with more vehemence than the last. "I needed to believe he'd walk through that door again, but instead it's you."
I stop blocking. Her aim is true, hitting me in the thigh and sternum, close to the places the sniper found and wrecked me as I carried what was left of Justin away from the field. Pain returns, just as if I were there in the heat with his added weight over my shoulder. I wouldn't leave him. The first bullet had tugged at my leg, and I'd stumbled enough that the second had missed its mark to my jugular. I hide behind my palms, digging into my eyes to suppress the memory even as it's brought to the forefront with so much vibrancy it plays out as a movie in my mind.
"It's just you," she says barely louder than a whisper. "Truth-you make me remember. When I look at you, I see Justin. I wish I was blind. I don't want to see because it makes me wish he was here and you were up on the hill in the ground. And just thinking that makes me a monster."
Her unsteady breath reaches into me and strikes from head to toes and back up again in a startling chill. "I do too. More than you will ever know."
I pull my hands to my temples, rubbing as she walks to stand in front of me. Muffins tumble on the floor when she drops the bowl. It clatters at our feet as she grabs my shirt and tips her head back so I have no choice but to look into her glistening eyes. I have never seen pain like this before, but if that word could manifest itself into a picture it would be Piper in this moment.
"I felt it," she whispers. "I knew before the knock on the door, Caden. I couldn't sleep that night-something in my stomach hurt and I thought it was the baby, blamed it on indigestion. And then my heart fluttered like a goddamn butterfly and it flew out of my chest, and the pain was gone." She grabs it now, rubbing as if the ache is still there. "The feeling was so free. This sense of peace washed over me and I knew. Goddamn it, I felt the moment Justin left this world. The second he died is tattooed on every part of me. I can't let it go, I never will because I touched the beautiful freedom he's experiencing. His suffering was over and that little flutter was him telling me he was good. He's good. But I'm not." She gasps and holds her shaking hand to her mouth, her eyes widening even as water blurs the inky depths. "But I'm not. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him; instead, I felt him leave me. I'll never have that kind of love again."
I nod my understanding, unwilling to lay out useless platitudes that so many feel necessary to soften loss. The only thing I can do is offer myself as paltry consolation. "You're not alone. I won't let that happen."
She shakes her head, and the tears disappear as she does. "My truth is that hope died with Justin in the desert. My truth is that I'm not your responsibility. I've got this. Go live your life the way you intended. That's what Justin would want you to do."
Stepping back, she smoothes her hands over the baby and composes herself into the spirited woman who opened the door.
Until this moment, I didn't know how much I'd needed her to need me, but it unravels as a heavy ball in my stomach. I spent my whole life watching over Justin because he didn't have a family, not a real one anyway. I failed him. But I can make up for it with Piper. I may have thought of her and the baby as a promise made, one I have every intention of keeping only because it was Justin's dying wish, but maybe this is my redemption. Maybe taking care of them will silence the voices, the noise, the memories that won't let me sleep at night. I can be a friend, their provider, her chance at living somewhere better than in a dilapidated cabin on the edge of town. I'll be Piper's promise for brighter days until she finds a permanent person to fill the void.
"Everyone gets to hope. It's a free gift you can open every morning and fall asleep holding onto at night. It doesn't end," I say. "We can hope together. Do you trust me?"
Dear Justin.
I never knew the meaning of 'I miss you' until you walked out the door. The dark silence of night is the worst, and I've found I hate my bed because you're no longer in it. Then I look out the window at the stars, and I remember just because I can't see you doesn't mean you're not still with me.
x Piper