Sound of Silence(27)

"On leave when she was two months old. And then we'd Skype once a week, or I'd call and talk to her over the phone."

"Willow?" I ask, chancing a glance to see him nod.

"Cara would put the phone to her ear, and we'd chat about anything. Every day if it was possible and when it wasn't I made it up to her when I could."

My heart suddenly hurts for him. But I'm not sure I understand why, why he chose to be away from his family when he clearly loves them. Why he and Justin wouldn't choose Lilyfalls over fighting. An antsy energy rushes under my skin as my paltry imagination tries to frame their experiences in comparison to an idyllic night on the west coast. The what-ifs grab hold of my imagination so tightly that I can see Justin sitting at the end of the truck enjoying the early morning conversation with us. If only they had never left.

"I wish I understood why the Navy, why serving, is so important to you and for Justin."

He sighs. "It's different for everyone who joins. For me-this is who we are, Piper. Think of it as a calling. Not a day goes by, an hour, a minute even, when my thoughts are not back there with my team. This isn't a nine-to-five job you leave at the door when you come home. I'll always want to go back. Justin felt the same."

Tears well and fall slowly down my temples and into my hair in hot streaks. "Are you going to go?" Fear seizes my heart. First Justin-is Caden next?

"It's what I do. My leg will determine if I'm capable."

I'm tired of living on the edge of grief and pain. It grips me so tight in a quick second I can't catch my breath. And it's been worse due to post-delivery hormones and meeting JT when Justin will never have the chance.

Caden pulls me into his side, my cheek cushioned against his rock-hard chest. A furnace of heat radiates from his skin. I'm thankful for the distraction. My hand finds JT and Caden's as he cups my son against him.



       
         
       
        

"Do you want kids of your own?" I ask.

"Marriage and a family haven't been the top of my priority list. But if a woman ever bumps the Navy from the number-one spot, I'll call the Chaplin myself."

I look up as he shrugs, following the strong line of his jaw to his high cheekbones and then his straight nose. He's striking, intimidating when his brow pulls down. But not to me, not while he's got my baby draped over him, and he brushes his mouth against JT's head every minute like he has to. Caden may be a SEAL, but he's a teddy bear with us.

And he's not just a pretty face. I like his honesty too, and that he seems to always give it. In my experience, men aren't always open. Even Justin was tightlipped with words. His actions spoke of his feelings, but he never said he loved me except for the one time when he slid the silver Celtic band he wore around his pinky onto my left ring finger. Caden's truth is refreshing.

"What do you want out of life if not a family of your own?" As soon as the words are out of my mouth I realize they're narrow-minded, as if fulfillment must come with kids. I don't think that. It was the last thing my parents found satisfying. But when I look at JT, the soft line of his lips, the sheer and utter peace in his countenance, I know that he is mine to grow and shape, and I want Caden to feel that joy too. It's a gift I think he would appreciate.

He shakes his head. "I've been selfish, Piper, too selfish to settle down. My father was too, but he stuck around long enough to make us all feel how bad it hurt when he left. Cara and I were fourteen when the urge to run got the best of him, and he bailed. I see myself in him sometimes, when I look in the mirror and in my actions. I'm not afraid of falling in love-I'm petrified I'll regret it one day and run like he did. I remember how devastated my mom was, and I'll be damned if I'll be that kind of asshole."

"But you can't predict the future, and you don't know if you'd go."

"I don't. Mom thinks I'm projecting his issues onto myself."

"Are you?"

He sighs. "Probably. But I'm taking baby steps. I'm going to learn to walk right alongside JT."

I pause as apprehension sinks in. He's planted himself in the middle of my life, but he's afraid he'll leave me like Justin did. That makes two of us. I swallow my angst to ask, "So we're your experiment?"

He shakes his head. "No, you're my hope."

"Oh." I twist to get a better look at him and roll to my side. The heavy weight of my breasts shift, reminding me I came out here for a reason. So does JT when he squirms and roots against his mitten-covered fist. 

"Here," I say, scooting over to make room for the baby between us.