Sound of Silence(23)

"I snuck out before their car hit the street."

"Needed a break?"

"I need a lobotomy."

He laughs. "Newborns are hard. It's only been a few days-give it some time, and he'll figure out night from day."

"Sleep is not my problem," I mumble. "When I close my eyes, I see sunshine and rainbows. It's like a Leprechaun fucking exploded in my brain."

"Piper?"

I nod, and Dax leans forward to clap me on the back. At the same time, Willow reappears with a doctor kit and starts lecturing me about hand hygiene and amputation of fingers from infection. I nod through the advice from a toddler genius on her way to medical school before she starts kindergarten, and let her clean my wounds. If only those on the inside were as easy to treat. I drain my beer, but it's not strong enough to stop my thoughts.

Reaching behind him to the outdoor bar, Dax grabs two more bottles from the mini-fridge. As he sets them on the table, he watches me for seconds too long. His eyes are uncanny really, too blue, as if he can see through all my bullshit. And for most of our life, he has. He called me out on my I-could-give-a-shit attitude when my dad skipped town in ninth grade. Justin thought we'd be fine because his father was such a douche, but Dax knew better. He knew it hurt because his grandpa had died the year before, and he'd felt the loss painfully. Somehow my father choosing the Navy over his family made it worse, like what the fuck had we done? Why weren't we good enough? That was the year Mom started to struggle with money, and I struggled with understanding. Dax got that. It was also the year he started hanging out with Cara-just as friends.

He watches me now as if he's about to pry open the lost ark to find an ancient treasure. "What?" I prod. "Say it, and stop staring at me like you're a zombie and my brains are appetizing. It's creepy."

"You've got a thing for Piper."

"A thing? What the hell is a thing?"

"Willow, honey, go inside so I can talk to Uncle Caden for a bit."

"But I want to stay," she whines. "He needs more stiches."

And twenty more Band-Aids to add to the fifteen she's already pasted on a cut the size of my thumb nail. "It's okay, baby girl. I'll come inside in a few minutes and we can play."



       
         
       
        

I kiss her cheek and she stomps off, leaving me with her father and his condescending smile. The kind that says, you may have seen the world but I am so much smarter than you will ever be. Smarter and wiser.

"You've got a thing for Piper, and it's cutting you up inside. Am I right? And don't bullshit me. I'll know if you do."

I tilt my head back far enough to see clouds churn in the sky. "Piper needs stability," I repeat Cara's words and curse their truth. "And I don't have a lot of that to give, never have, but I stare at her, you know. Piper and the baby. I watch them breathe and think this is my life-maybe they're mine now. But I'm not sure I trust what I feel. Maybe I've taken possession because I was forced into it. Or it's possible I'd have signed the lease if I walked in and saw the place for rent. I just don't know."

"You're referring to them as your home. That speaks volumes." Dax leans forward, pushing his beer to the center of the table. "Let me put it this way, Cade. I've been there. Twelve years is a long time, but not enough to forget."

The sound of the water, crashing waves against the rocky pier, reaches up to us and drowns out his deep breath. This is not something he's talked about. Not to me or Justin-we had enlisted and were gone when he broke off his relationship with Shannon. It wasn't a topic he discussed during any of our homecomings, and we didn't ask.

Dax and Shannon were a high school staple, the same as me and Leah. But Shannon decided suicide was her way out after Dax broke it off. The news was sharp and hard to stomach at the time. The town mourned along with him and her family.

"Guilt is easy to come by after tragedy. Shannon had every right to be pissed. I broke up with her because I started having feelings for Cara, and they weren't the sweet, sisterly kind. But I never thought Shannon would ram her goddamn car into a tree. I replayed my part in her actions for a year, and I almost lost your sister because of it." He runs a hand down and up his face until it lands in his hair, letting out a shaky breath. "I'm not saying you won't do the same about Justin. Death is final, and grief is a bitch. What I'm asking you to do is live for the moments you can hold on to, not those in the past. Loss is part of life, but if we lose ourselves to memories they rob us of the glory to live and the freedom you've fought hard for."