Sound of Silence(14)

He falls to his back, his hands finding their way under his neck. "I'm not. Honestly, I'm terrified."

"Of what?"

"You. One look in your eyes and I forget the world exists. That's a terrifying prospect for a man trained to notice minute details."

Oh. I don't know what to say, lying with Caden, surrounded by the man that brought us together. His body may be buried beneath us, but Justin is in the wind and the rustle of leaves, the spark of the stars as they pop with the darkening blue sky. I feel him in the tingle of goose bumps on my skin.

"For six months, I've basically thought of two things: Justin and you," he says, before I can respond. "Not how you were together, but separate responsibilities. How I failed with one and figuring out how I could ever succeed with the other. I've thought about his death and your pregnancy. I've gone over every what-if and alternate ending. I've fucking prayed I was in a nightmare, and I'd wake up. I've gone over and over the steps I'd take to fix your life."



       
         
       
        

"I don't need-"

He holds up a hand. "I think about the mission non-stop; the voices don't let me forget. I hear them, the sounds, the day down to the second, and it always ends the same. I imagined coming home and what I'd find when I got here. I never thought, not once, Piper, that I would like you. I like you. But you're Justin's girl."

I nod and swallow my remorse. It hurts, but one moment changed my forever into something different. I have no choice but to accept fate and open myself to a new future. "I was for a little while."

"God." Caden grabs his hair and tugs. "I've known you for a second so this conversation is crazy, certi-fucking-fiable. They didn't check for that before they released me, you know. I think they should have, because no one instantly feels like this when they meet someone, like things are going to get better. But I do, and I can't wait to meet your baby. So then I get to this, and I'm sorry, Piper, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to figure out my head right now, and it got me here. What if I like you because you're all I have left of Justin?"

My heart sinks. "I'm not sure it matters," I murmur and glance over as he searches the horizon, maybe looking for the same things as me-peace, acceptance, and a place to belong. "Caden, I like you, too. And I don't care about the reasons why because my life got a little fuller when you walked into it. Maybe we just start over, as if we have no history and say hello. Break it down to a boy meeting a very pregnant girl."

His jaw hardens, tense lines bronzed with his growing beard. His brow pulls down, and a straight line digs in as he stares at me with such intensity I feel the weight of it grow heavier each passing second. "Why Justin?"

His seemingly out-of-the-blue question stuns me into silence for a long moment. Why Justin?

"At first it was because he was everything my parents would hate. Justin drove a motorcycle." I hold a giggle behind my hand, even as tears rush my eyes. "He was Jax Teller come to life, roaring into town with a new kind of fairytale I wanted to find on the back of his Harley. God, my dad would've been mortified, and I loved that, but as it turned out I really loved being with him. Not just physically. It was like all of a sudden I had no idea how I had lived without him, and that was when I knew I didn't want to. So much about love is timing. Right then, he was exactly what I needed."

Caden reaches for my hand. I somehow feel better when we touch, more grounded, centered, as if gravity finally found me and I'm not floating in disbelief any longer. Time ticks by with no words-nothing but him and me and our memories.

The wind picks up, but it's warm and salty from the sea. Gus shuffles over, nuzzling his nose into my cheek, and eventually his chin comes to rest on my shoulder. 

"Justin wanted to marry the fuck out of you, Piper. Giddy is not a word I'd use to describe him, but when he talked about you, he was the definition of happy. He made me think it could be a possibility for me too, one day, not now, but one day, with the right girl." His shoulders shake, and I press for added information.

"Who's Leah?" I ask a lingering question that's been hanging around since morning.

He sighs. "High school girlfriend."

"You loved her?"

"As much as an eighteen-year-old kid could. We had a bunch of firsts together, so that made it harder to leave."

"Why didn't you take her with you? Couldn't she have lived on base while you were gone?"

His mouth opens more than once, but he remains silent until he rolls on his side to look at me. He's casual in jeans and a white tee stretched across the width of his chest. His expression relaxes, loosening the tiny lines around his eyes. He looks so young, with our still joined hands under his ear.