"No," I clipped. When either of us moved, the water echoed in the otherwise dead-quiet. "I know what you're doing. I don't . . . you think I want to go back?" I asked. "I don't, but we have to."
She turned on me, her euphoric expression replaced with frustration. "Why can't you just stop being an adult for a minute?"
"Because I am the adult. One of us has to be."
She closed her mouth, her jaw tight, and dove headfirst into the water.
The lake swallowed her without even a burp. She disappeared completely. I took a step. Then another. I couldn't see her. Couldn't see anything but a ripple here and then there, near and then far. I turned in circles, heat rising up my chest while my legs froze, my breath getting short. "Lake?" I raised my voice. "Stop it."
I tried to push Maddy out of my mind. This wasn't the same, Lake was just having fun. But Maddy'd been so alive when I'd last seen her and just minutes later, completely lifeless. The image had haunted me so long, was always waiting in the back of my mind, even during the best of times. I'd had to put my mouth on my sister's and feel nothing, breathe into nothing.
Seconds ticked by. My lungs wouldn't expand. I would've gone in after her if I'd had any clue where she was. She'd been under at least ten seconds and could've swum anywhere. "Lake," I yelled, angry. I thrust my hands under, grasping for anything. Something slippery brushed against my leg. "Goddamn it. Lake!"
She popped up five feet from me, giggling, the slight moon turning her into a glittering, fluorescent mermaid.
"What's gotten into you?" I asked. Rage vibrated every bone in my body. "Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out here?"
She floated on her back, unapologetic, teeth chattering. "I know you wouldn't let anything happen to me."
It shook my confidence, hearing that. She thought I could save her. The truth was, if I wanted to or not, I couldn't protect her from everything. Especially not this. But to explain why, I'd have to bring her into a memory I never shared if I could help it. I'd already had to recount it enough times to the police and jury to break any man.
She spread her arms. Her tits poked through the surface, two white, wet, cotton peaks pointing to the stars. My hands shook, my body, too. Seeing how calm and open she was, my instinct was to go to her, to say fuck it for one night. Lake wasn't as confident as she pretended to be. Her inexperience showed in her every move. One touch, and she'd dissolve into a trembling mess. Wouldn't it be best if that first touch came from someone who cared? Who'd worship her? I knew what I was doing, when to be gentle and when to not, and I would do it at her pace.
I'd been trying not to see her since I'd returned her bracelet. As a child, I'd been warned by my mom against looking directly at an eclipse. I feared the same was true for Lake. How did I come off to others when I looked at her? As captivated as I felt? Adoring? Enamored? I didn't want to be looking at her that way. Someone could notice. People became suddenly more perceptive about these things-a grown man intently watching a young girl. Especially one like Lake, who was on the verge of beautiful.
But tonight, nobody was around.
Fuck. I turned around, shielding my eyes, even though it was too late for that. I couldn't look. It was killing me.
Hard as it was, I walked out of the water.
"You're just going to leave me here?" she asked.
Never.
But I had to. I put one foot in front of the other, fought every urge to turn back, just to make sure she didn't sink under. She'd given me no choice. I was going to make an even bigger mistake than I already had just by letting myself get into this situation. I passed her rumpled clothing, got as far as the trees, but, unable to breathe without keeping my eyes on her, I turned and looked back. I tensed when I couldn't find her but a few seconds later, my eyes adjusted. On shore, she put her clothes back on. Once I was certain she wouldn't be getting back in the lake, I went to the truck, found some greasy towels behind the seats, and wiped myself down. I sat and watched through the windshield. I couldn't even bring myself to turn on the heater or music.
After a few minutes, she trudged back up to the passenger's side door.
"What do you want me to do?" she asked when I looked over, her window still partly down. "I'm wet."
Her nipples were hard, so I averted my eyes and passed her a towel. It was dirty but better than being soaked. Once she'd dried herself a little, she climbed into the cab.
I put the key in the ignition, but the engine only turned over. "Great." I pounded my fist against the steering wheel. "That's just fucking great."
The whole bench shook with her shivering. "I'm sorry," she said.
Even though she faced me, her shoulder and half her back were pressed up against the door, as far away from me as she could get. She looked so small and breakable, tucked into the corner, the opposite of how she'd acted just a few minutes ago. In her lap, she wrung her hands around something. She breathed audibly, maybe trying not to cry. In. Out. In. Out. The t-shirt clung to her breasts, outlining them, the only two wet spots.
How could I stay pissed? All she wanted was more time. I wanted the same. "I'm not mad," I said. "I worry. I worry so goddamn much, Lake."
"Why? I don't understand." Her voice was tiny, frightened. "I've been swimming in the ocean since I could walk."
I gripped the steering wheel, even though we weren't going anywhere. The difference between Lake and every other person I'd come across the past eight years was that it felt as if her goodness could actually be enough to heal my ugliness. To fill the hole in me. I wanted to tell her. Knowing what I'd been through meant knowing me better than anyone since Maddy.
I turned the key to see if at least the heater would come on; it did, along with the radio. I lowered the volume and sat back in my seat. "My sister drowned while I was thirty feet away." The words were foreign. Saying it out loud was as hard as I thought it'd be. It changed the air around us. The molecules rearranged. The truth sat between us like a third person. In a way, it was. Madison was never far from my mind. I still carried her around, one long piggyback ride until the day I'd die. "I couldn't save her."
Lake didn't move an inch. She sat still so long, I looked over to make sure she was still conscious. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I didn't realize."
By the look on her face, I'd scared the shit outta her. I couldn't just leave it at that. "We had a pool, but that wasn't what killed her. It just sped up the process."
She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. "What do you mean?"
"I told you my parents used to fight. It was a war every time. They'd married young-for love."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"Nah. Not when you're fundamentally different. My mom's family was middleclass, my dad came from the wrong side of the tracks. They didn't grow up the same or want the same things. That might be okay if you're not as passionate as you are different. Long story short, they fought as hard as they made up." I wasn't sure Lake'd understand what I was getting at, so I glossed over that. "Once in a while, something in my dad would flip, and he'd go too far. He'd hit her, apologize in tears at her feet, and that'd be it. He beat me up a few times, stupid shit like finding my dishes out after a particularly bad day at work. He hurt Madison only once as a kid. When I hit puberty and got bigger than him, never happened to either of us again, just my mom when I wasn't around."
Lake seemed farther away, her back glued against the door. Even in the dark, I could see her ashen face. Fine. She needed to hear this, and maybe it was best if it scared her off me. She'd grown up as sheltered as anyone I'd ever seen. Whatever schoolgirl crush she had on me, maybe this would cure it.
"He went after your sister, and you wouldn't let him."
I must've misheard her. "What?"
"Is that what happened?"
My chest constricted. There was no way she could've known that, which meant she'd figured it out on her own. Maybe she saw more than I gave her credit for. "Yeah. Pretty much. Maddy was trying to get in the middle of one of their fights. I came in the door from baseball practice right as he smacked her into a wall." The memory of the blank expression on my dad's face still made me sick to my stomach. I could count on one hand the number of times I'd seen that, the way his eyes turned to glass while he went some place none of us could name. "I knocked him on his ass. I didn't know what Dad would do, so I told Maddy to run, but she wouldn't. She didn't want to leave me. So I told her to get the fuck out or I'd kick her ass myself. I just wanted her gone. She looked terrified, which was how I felt, but it worked. She ran out the back."