Well, like the Martin issue, he couldn't think about that now. It was another thing he didn't want to examine too closely, another thought to push out of his mind because it made a difficult situation easier to handle.
Just enjoy her, he told himself. Enjoy what's going on between you. Just live for right now and don't think about her heart.
And whatever you do, don't start thinking about yours, either.
* * *
Hours later, Penny lay in bed, gazing up at Ryan. Candles provided the room's only light as she lay beneath him, clad in only a pair of panties. She could see the clear outline of his erection through his boxer briefs, but enjoyed studying the rest of him, too-his broad shoulders and muscular arms, the light dusting of hair on his chest, the hungry look in his eyes as he watched her.
"Wanna do something exciting?" he suggested. She bit her lip, nervous as usual, yet infused with the boldness that had brought her this far into the most thrilling relationship of her life. "What do you have in mind?"
"Do you trust me?"
The question caught her off guard. "Yes. Why?" Ryan answered by gently raising her arms above her head, dropping a kiss on her waiting lips, then closing something around both her wrists before she even knew it. Leaning her head back on the pillow, she glanced up to see the heart-shaped handcuffs, the gold chain that connected them circling one of the brass bed rails. She gasped, then looked back to him. "Youpromised-"
"Not to mention them. I haven't. And I won't."
She met his gaze in the candlelight, not quite sure what to think. "But how did you … ?"
"I snuck in here a little while ago and hid them under the pillows."
"You really mean to lock me up?"
"I just did." He kissed her again. "Is that okay?"
Penny didn't know what to say. Her heart beat out of control. She wasn't even sure what pleasure people derived from this, yet on the other hand, adventure beckoned, even if only timidly. "I … I guess."
"Look at it this way, honey," he whispered. "It just means I want to be the one to do all the work here, and give you all the pleasure. I want to excite you."
Well, that sounded a little too good to resist. And minutes later, as Ryan rained scintillating kisses over every inch of her body, Penny came to understand exactly what pleasure people derived from this. Placing herself in his control was an act of complete and abiding trust. Now she knew why he'd asked, and, oh yes, she trusted him, more in this moment than ever before.
Of course, she remained plagued by the part of her that couldn't quite let go of the responsible Penny, the part that said, What on earth are you doing? But each time, the hot sensations overrode her good girl doubts enough that she could close her eyes and stop thinking, stop reasoning, long enough to just feel.
Penny wasn't sure when she became aware that the velvet cuffs were really too loose, that she could slip her hands free if she wanted. But she ignored the knowledge and never let Ryan know, instead continuing to bask in all the sweet and tantalizing things he did with his mouth and hands.
Just when he'd driven her to the brink of insanity, he reached above her head and freed her wrists. As her arms fell around his neck, she heard the handcuffs drop to the hardwood floor behind the bed. After that, he made love to her in the candlelight, just as slow, until their movements gradually edged into something rougher and more urgent.
They both lay recovering afterward, half-asleep and entangled in each other's arms, when Ryan whispered an accusation in her ear. "You can tell me you never fantasized about that, but I know you did."
Without opening her eyes, Penny smiled and murmured the truth. "It was just like the bathtub."
"What do you mean?"
"Better than I thought it would be."
* * *
Ryan rested on Penny's overstuffed couch, the candles from the bedroom now keeping the living room dimly lit and aglow. At the other end, she sat with her knees curled beneath her, her short, silky robe draping her body. He wore only underwear as they made a mismatched late-night snack of grilled cheese sandwiches, tortilla chips and wine. Penny had offered to cook something more, but he hadn't wanted to put her to any trouble, so they'd scavenged for whatever was quick and easy.
Beyond the windows and doorways, everything lay black and silent, and it seemed as if the whole world was this room, he and Penny the only people in it. That would simplify things, he thought, drawing his gaze from the flickering shadows on the walls down to the woman across from him. He felt closer to her with each passing hour, with each moment he held her, touched her, absorbed more of the sweet honesty in her eyes. And before this was over, he was going to hurt her. He knew it without a doubt.
He didn't want to think about that, but the darkness had somehow forced it to surface. What they had, no matter how good, couldn't last forever. In the end, he would jilt this beautiful, sexy, vibrant, sincere woman … for a job.
But not just a job, he reminded himself. A career. His last shot at doing something substantial and fulfilling.
"What are you thinking about?"
His eyes drifted back to the dim patterns of light dancing across the wall, but he pulled his gaze down to find Penny, an inquisitive smile gracing her face, setting her empty plate and glass aside to move closer to him on the couch. He swallowed, feeling far too serious. He didn't get serious with women often-he wasn't crazy about letting his vulnerabilities show. But then, he supposed Penny had already seen those weaknesses, more times than he could count. So hell, he thought, why not just do what she would do if he asked her the same question? Why not just be honest?
"I was thinking about where I've been and where I've come to." That stuff had been on his mind, as well, since it was part of the big picture here, and it would be easier than telling her he knew he was going to hurt her.
Her solemn eyes seemed to carve a path to his soul. "I know where you've come to, but I don't know the part about where you've been."
Ryan hesitated for a moment, trying to decide if he really wanted to share his thoughts, and realized he did. "I grew up in rural Indiana," he began, "home of basketball and Bible meetings."
"Did you play? And did you go?"
He grinned. "No, and no. I was the family nonconformist, the one who stood out like a sore thumb. Now my older brother, Dan, on the other hand, was the captain of the basketball team, led the youth group at church, and just for good measure, was named valedictorian of his senior class. Me, I was a good kid, but I still fell short of the mark, you know?"
She cast him a sympathetic look. "Actually, no, I'm afraid I don't. Patti would probably relate, though. We were both good kids, but I was a little more … um, the Goody Two-Shoes, I guess you might say."
He offered a wry grin. "Ironic that I would end up with the perfect one."
"Well, maybe I've been a little less perfect lately."
Ryan shook his head. "I would disagree."
They shared a warm smile until she said, "So how are things with your family now?"
He shrugged. "I'm still the nonconformist; I moved away to a white-collar world instead of staying in blue-collar Akinsville, Indiana. But I send home money every month because my parents are retired now and they need some financial help, and it's a way I can sort of … give back whatever they didn't get from me as a son."
"Ryan, I'm sure they love you and think you're a great son."
He smiled in concession. "Okay, maybe I got a little melodramatic there. Of course they love me. But I'm not sure Dan doesn't make them just a little happier than I do."
"And just where did the basketball-playing, Bible-toting valedictorian end up?"
"Right where any good basketball-playing, Bible-toting valedictorian should. Still in the heart of our hometown. He teaches English at the high school and coached the basketball team to the state championship last year. He married a perfect woman and they live in a perfect little house with two perfect children and a perfect dog. On the weekends, they drive an hour and a half to Indianapolis to do volunteer work at a homeless shelter. Carol serves up food while Dan teaches illiterate people to read."
"Wow."
He flashed a cynical look. "See what I mean? He's a hard act to follow."