So it would seem Ryan really had relaxed now. He could smile at her without panicking. Which meant she was the only one here still feeling … things. Tingly, ripply, urgelike things.
But that's good, she told herself. Heartbreaking in a way, since it was always nice to think a guy wanted you, but hadn't she decided for his sake, and for Martin's sake, that Ryan was right and nothing more could happen between them? She made herself smile back, glad-in theory anyway-that things felt more normal again as it did when they were both buried in work.
Yet did she just sense some slight, barely perceptible change in the air? No, probably not. It was likely just wishful thinking on her body's part. The little thrill that had zipped down through her when they'd shifted their gazes from the computer to one another just now probably meant nothing. The fact that Ryan's eyes, now squarely planted on hers, seemed to be filling with something like heat was probably entirely in her imagination.
"Can I offer you dinner?" She regretted the invitation even as it left her, but it'd just popped out. She rushed ahead, anxious to fill the suddenly awkward moment with more words. "Usually, I would've eaten hours ago. If you don't mind more pot roast, I could make some sandwiches with it. Or if you're ready to take off, that's fine, too. Whatever you want."
She actually thought he looked tempted, until he said, "Thanks, but I should definitely get going."
Penny simply nodded. Definitely, he'd said. The conviction in his voice brought her down to earth, and considering what had happened last night after eating together, she couldn't argue with his unspoken logic.
He drew his eyes away as he shut down his laptop. "Can I ask you something before I go, though?"
"Okay."
"I was wondering … how you're doing over the Martin thing. Your decision not to marry him, I mean."
"Oh." The question startled her, though she hardly knew why since Martin's proposal had been the entire basis of their bizarre relationship so far. "I'm doing fine."
So fine, in fact, that I keep wanting you. She didn't know if it was the dusky lighting and the falling of night, or if it was simply the culmination of urges she'd been battling all day, but as her desires escalated, this seemed like a good time to put some distance between them. She left the desk and moved casually to her overstuffed couch. That way she couldn't do something crazy like touch him if the unstoppable urge arose. Especially now that he seemed so in control, so totally uninterested in her physically. Nothing would be worse than making a move and getting rejected.
"When are you going to tell him?" Ryan asked, slipping the laptop in its case.
"Whenever he calls from Vegas." And, actually, she was surprised she hadn't heard from Martin yet-it was Tuesday and he'd left on Friday. She'd expected a call over the weekend, but at least the delay had given her time to work on what she was going to say.
"You're going to tell him over the phone?" Ryan asked, turning his chair to face her. It didn't sound like an accusation, just an honest question.
Penny took a deep breath before replying. "This way, he won't have to break down in front of me, you know? And I'd rather get it over with, not put it off."
Ryan's gaze focused directly on her now, unnervingly so. "I'm sorry, Penny, if I ruined something good between the two of you."
Her stomach dropped. It had never even occurred to her that Ryan didn't know the very brief history she shared with Martin, or how unexpected his proposal had been. "You didn't." She shook her head emphatically. "We'd only been dating a few months."
He shrugged. "It doesn't always take months to have a serious relationship. It happens all the time. People meet and fall in love like that." He snapped his fingers.
And she wondered, for the first time, about Ryan's love life. "Has that ever happened to you?"
"Me? No." He shook his head almost as if the idea were preposterous, even though he'd brought it up himself. "I know people who it's happened to, but I'm not sure I could ever fall in love that quickly myself."
"Why?" His comment perplexed her, and somewhere deep inside, she was a little hurt. Maybe she'd hoped this sensual energy between them was about more than sex, that he was harboring some secret, budding affection for her that he just hadn't had the courage to mention.
He raised his gaze, as if confiding in her. "I guess maybe I'm just cautious."
Did that mean he'd been hurt before? "Bad relationships in the past?" she ventured.
Ryan shook his head. "Nothing like that." He smiled slightly, his expression turning mischievous. "Maybe cautious is the wrong word. Maybe it's more like … reluctant. There's nothing too heavy in my past, and I guess I like it that way. I like keeping things light and being on my own at the end of the day, if you know what I mean."
Yes, she knew exactly what he meant. He wasn't looking for a relationship. He'd told her he'd come here to be a good boy, that he didn't want anything wild in his life, so apparently women were on the back burner for him completely right now. Or he wanted them to be, anyway. Because, there was, of course, her, and what had happened, and what, she supposed uncertainly, could still happen …
Oh, darn it, that proved it; she really did still want him. Desire hummed through her veins even as she sat talking with him. "Well, despite what you may think, things were very casual between me and Martin. And the truth is, I didn't know him all that well, romantically speaking."
Ryan tilted his head. "But in the limo … "
"Yes?"
"Well, you didn't seem shy."
Penny tried to swallow her embarrassment, but failed. And considering how many personal details Ryan knew about her already, she saw no reason not to explain this, as well. "As I said that night, I wanted to find out if Martin had a wild side, too."
When she least expected it, a slow, almost wicked smile unfurled across Ryan's face.
"What?" she asked in response.
"So you admit it. You are wild."
Penny released a long, exasperated sigh. "I admitted I have a wild side. That's different than being wild."
"You said you were living out a fantasy," Ryan reminded her.
"So? Everyone has fantasies."
"But-" he raised one finger in the air "-not everyone lives them out."
Penny drew in her breath, wishing she could break her gaze with his, wishing she wanted to. But his unexpected words were settling deep inside her, easing their way into cracks and crevices she'd never peered into before.
Oh God, it was true. She'd read enough articles in Cosmo and Glamour to know most people-women anyway-never did attempt to live out their fantasies. Most women probably kept them inside and saw them as impossibilities, even as things they didn't truly want to happen. But the moment Penny had started exploring hers, she'd known she really wanted them to take place. They were experiences she truly desired, adventures she intended to have. And her own thoughts a moment ago only seemed to confirm it; she'd been sitting there wanting Ryan even though she knew that he couldn't let it happen, and she couldn't let it happen, and that it was all wrong.
Suddenly feeling as transparent as a negligee, she thrust herself up from the couch and walked across the room toward the foyer, anxious to escape his gaze. She had no reply to what he'd just said, but it was as if he'd just shone a flashlight into the darkest corner of her soul. Coming to a stop before the mirror near the door, she fumbled for something to do with her hands, some way to distract herself from the nervous tension swirling through her. She adjusted the leaves of a philodendron spilling from a pot on a shelf next to the mirror, then reached below, turning on the stereo.
The low sounds of Marvin Gaye singing "Let's Get It On" wafted through the room.
She bit her lip. This probably wasn't a good moment for the sexiest song of all time, yet for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to change it.
That meant nothing, though. It didn't mean she was wild, nor did it mean she was waiting for something to happen here. She just didn't want to look panicky, that was all. She didn't want to do anything to let him know how tense and how … utterly sexual she suddenly felt.
And if she really were wild, wouldn't she start swaying her hips back and forth to the music, or stripping to it? As it was, she clamped both hands to the shelf supporting the stereo and held on for dear life, lest she faint from nervousness. Hardly the act of a wanton woman.
"I know about the limo now-" Ryan's voice came from behind her, low and sexy and close "-but what other kinds of fantasies do you have, Penny?"