I grab my laptop and climb into bed. Even though we both have the chat client on our phones, we do the majority of our chatting from keyboards; it’s so much easier to type out significant chunks of text that way.
I wriggle into my pillows and power up my computer. My chat client opens immediately, and I can’t help but smile when I see the green light by his name.
Tink24: Wait for me long?
Riverrat69: It was worth it. How are you feeling?
Tink24: Better since I showered the reminder of tonight’s date off me.
Riverrat69: That doesn't sound good. Do I need to find this guy and kick his ass?
Tink24: Ha! Thanks for the offer, but it was nothing like that. I’m just feeling . . . frustrated.
Riverrat69: Romantically or sexually?
Tink24: Both, to be honest.
Riverrat69: It blows my mind that a girl like you doesn’t have guys lining up outside her door.
Tink24: A girl like me? What does that mean?
Riverrat69: Funny. Smart. Sexy as fuck.
Tink24: You’ve never seen me. How do you know I’m sexy?
Riverrat69: You can tell a lot from a girl’s hip . . . and the kind of panties she wears.
Tink24: Well, my looks have never been my problem. I’m not saying I’m a knockout, but there are always guys willing to sleep with me if that’s what I want.
Riverrat69: But you want . . . something more.
Tink24: I do. I won’t apologize for that. Why don’t you?
Riverrat69: I did once. It didn’t turn out like I’d hoped.
Tink24: What does that mean?
I squeeze my eyes shut, full aware of what a mind-fuck I’m putting myself through by having this conversation with Maybe Sam, trying to read too much into everything he says.
I exhale slowly and open my eyes to see the cursor still blinking at me—no reply from him. I should back down from my too-personal question.
Tink24: You don’t have to answer that.
Riverrat69: No. It’s okay. I’m just not sure how to answer. Don’t settle, okay? I know you're looking for a meaningful relationship and it can be frustrating, but don’t settle for someone who doesn’t make your heart race.
Sam makes my heart race. You make my heart race, I type, but then I hold down the delete key until the words disappear.
Riverrat69: Tell me about your dream guy. What’s he like?
I stare at my computer for a long time, my heart pounding. Once, I’d thought Sam was my dream guy. I wanted him for so long, and when we finally got together, it was . . . perfect. Hot and sexy, but also intense in a way I would almost describe as emotional. I have no one to blame but myself for any expectations I had after that night. Sam warned me he wasn’t interested in forever.
“I don’t do emotional strings.”
And silly, naive me. I thought he wanted me to save him, to be the one who changed that about him.
I went to his house and saw him with her. Some woman I didn’t even recognize. It wasn’t fair to be hurt by what I saw. He hadn’t made me any promises. But the way he held her. The way he was looking at her.
He hadn’t wanted me to fix him, but he was looking at her like she had. And seeing that broke my heart.
Riverrat69: Never mind. That’s stupid.
Shaking my head, I put my fingers back on my keyboard. I want to type: Is this Sam Bradshaw? But I don’t. I’m not ready to know for sure yet. More, I’m not ready for him to know who I am.
Tink24: It’s not stupid, just not an easy question to answer.
Riverrat69: Try?
Tink24: My sister’s fiancé bought her a dog. Not a puppy—they have two infants, so a puppy would just be cruel. He bought her a dog. Her name is Nana, like the dog in Peter Pan. She’s a sweet thing and she’s used to kids, but her original owner realized their child was allergic, so they needed to find a new home.
Her fiancé is a good guy, and I always liked him, but when he brought home that dog, I think I fell in love with him. What woman wouldn’t love a man who buys her a dog?
Riverrat69: So you want a man who will buy you a dog?
Tink24: I want a man who knows when I need a dog.
I frown. These obscure, personal-but-vague conversations have become the norm for us. The sad thing is, even without personal details and even while trying to protect my own identity, I feel more connected with this man than I have with any of the dates I’ve been on in the last eight months. That scares me. I’m starting to wonder if I’m doomed to be single forever.
Riverrat69: I hope you find him. I do.
Tink24: Enough about me. How was your day?