“Don’t you get it?” Lauren knocks an elbow into her. “She’s a genius.” She diverts her attention back to me. “You’re interested in him, aren’t you?”
“Maybe a little.” Okay, a lot.
“And you want more than a one-night stand.” She asserts.
“That would be nice.” True story.
“And because you’re a slow learner, he’ll have to do an awful lot of tutoring.” She nods into the brilliance of my plan.
“I am a slow learner.” I give a wicked grin. “And practice makes perfect, right?”
“Yeah, right.” Ally doesn’t look too convinced of said brilliance. “But Cruise is a sexpert in the field of moral depravity. You’re going to have to really wow him in order for him to keep you around. Besides, do you really want him to touch you between the resident skanks he pleasures nightly?”
“He said he’d take a break for me.” And, I’m not above spreading rumors of a very bad rash he might have fictitiously acquired if he doesn’t stay true to his word.
They take in a simultaneous breath as if what I suggested held serious security infractions for our great nation.
“He’s taking a break?” Lauren’s mouth falls open at the prospect. “Does his dick know about this? Look, you need to forget this whole idea and find yourself a good guy—someone who’ll bring you flowers and candy.”
“And triple orgasms,” Ally interjects as though this very feature should land near the top of the list.
“Not everyone has an orgasm the first time.” Lauren peels her banana without taking her eyes off Ally. “It’s physiologically impossible. Besides, she’s not there yet. Can’t you see, she’s a blank slate?” She reverts to me. “God, you’re not even going to know what to do with that telephone pole.” She sticks her banana in her mouth and maneuvers it in and out like she’s speaking some sexual Morse code.
“Would you stop?” Ally snatches it from her. “I refuse to watch you perform a lewd act with fruit in public.” She looks to me and closes her eyes briefly. “You can’t be that blank of a slate. I mean, you’ve seen one, right?”
“Seen one, what?” I ask. “Oh! That. No, actually I haven’t. Although, I did walk in on my brother once while he was using the bathroom but—”
“Gross.” Ally mock vomits.
“Get this straight, Kendall,” Lauren snips. “Brothers never count.”
Ally pulls me in by the wrist. “It looks like a Storm Trooper,” she asserts.
“Crap.” Lauren bats her hand away. “Don’t you listen to her. She thinks everything somehow reverts back to Star Wars. It looks like this.” She holds out her banana, then proceeds to take a rather deep-throat inspired bite of the phallic fruit in question.
Ally groans at the visual. “Kendall”—she scoots in—“I wouldn’t worry too much about your lack of carnal knowledge. Cruise is proficient in body language. I’m sure he’ll teach you everything he knows.”
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of and hoping for all at the same time.
A pretty blonde wrapped in a bright red coat strides in and takes a seat at the table behind us. She observes me with a cold expression, and I look away to avoid her uncomfortable gaze.
“In fact, don’t worry about a thing.” Ally goes on. “Cruise Elton will be a great teacher. And, when he’s through with you, we’ll find you the perfect boyfriend—one that speaks at least three different computer languages because God knows you don’t want to get saddled with a moron.”
“Three computer languages.” I nod absentmindedly, but all I can think about is the fact not one part of me wants to get rid of Cruise Elton so fast. In fact, every part of me wants to keep him. “And what if it’s Cruise I want as my boyfriend?”
Lauren sprays her coffee over her shoulder.
“You can’t be serious.” Ally scoffs. “That’s like trying to tame a wild mustang. You need to be careful or you could get yourself killed.”
“I don’t know…” Lauren touches her finger to the rim of her cup as she considers this. “It’s happened before. Cruise Elton once had very serious boyfriend potential. Is that what you’re shooting for?”
“Maybe I am.” I squirm in my seat at the thought of taming an apparently well-endowed mustang.
“Alrighty then”—Lauren raises her coffee and inspires Ally to do the same—“here’s to playing the player!”