He holds his hands in the air as if it were a stickup, and the weights come crashing to my chest.
“Dude.” He hoists the heavy metal off me and secures it to the post. “You take on way more than you can chew. That’s been your problem since about the third grade. So tell me about this new one—the day pass. She Zumba for you in private? When you’re through, go ahead and send her my way. I have a feeling Lauren is about to hand me my walking papers.”
Something about Lauren giving Cal his walking papers doesn’t sit right with me. Sure, he’s always had a touch of asshole in him, but that’s just Cal. I thought he and Lauren were a forever kind of deal. I guess Kenny is right—love never works out in the end.
“You can’t have Kenny.”
His face ticks back a notch. “Dude, you keeping her?”
“I’m test driving.” For every dick on the planet, if she gets her way. “She’s got this crazy idea she’s going to be the female version of me.”
He bobs his head. “Manwhore,” he says without missing a beat.
“Thanks.” I sit up and catch a brunette across the room openly molesting me with her eyes so I turn to face Cal. “She wants me to teach her the ropes.”
“Teach her the ropes?” He starts in on a low-lying laugh.
“She’s staying at the house, so I thought we’d take it slow. She’s never done anything before, and I don’t plan on taking advantage of her.”
“What?” He jumps back at the insanity as if I’ve just yanked off my balls in a show of dedication to my newfound celibacy. “You’re Cruise Fucking Elton. Fucking is your middle name—remember? You’ve slammed more hot chicks in one season than most men fantasize about in a lifetime. Just because you’ve landed yourself a nice little fuck buddy doesn’t mean she’s gotta ruin your mojo. You’re spermanating for the both of us remember?”
“Relax, would you?” I hiss in an effort to get him to shut the hell up. God forbid Kenny walk in and hear the words “fuck buddy” being tossed around. “She’s nice. I’m not instructing her in that arena. The only thing I’m teaching her is the fact I’m the last person on earth who should be anybody’s role model. There are plenty of girls like me out there, and believe me, she’s not one of them. I’ll figure out a way to get that idea as far away from her head as possible. She needs a boyfriend, not a line of frat boys leading out of her bedroom.”
“That’s right. Tell her to stay off your territory. Get her the hell out of the house before she interrupts the line of sorority ass you’ve grown accustomed to.”
I shoot him a look.
“About that—I’m taking a break.”
“What?” His hands collapse over his head as if I’ve just dropped some oncology-based bomb that involves his testicles. “Are you shitting me? You’re taking a break because of this girl? This Kenny—the virgin, who’s pleading for your instructional services? My God, it’s like you’re whipped!” He freezes. “You’re whipped, aren’t you?”
“I’m not whipped.” I tick my head back a notch. “I hardly know her.” Oddly, I know Kenny better than I’ve known any of the girls I’ve bedded like some fornicating marathon these past several months.
“We need to find a boyfriend for little Miss Day Pass.” Cal leans in, solemn, as if Kenny’s relationship status had the power to unravel the universe. “I’m telling you, buddy, she’s a fly in the ointment, corrupting the system. Ackerman House is throwing a New Year’s Eve party. It’s open invite to twelve different schools. That’s twelve different kinds of collegiate ass to sift through, my friend. Do not forget your mission statement—bed, don’t wed.”
I glance up at him and shake my head. “You really need to stop living vicariously through my dick.”
“You’d better grow a pair and kick the virgin to the curb before she digs her cute little claws in your back. The next thing you know, you’ll be buying her flowers.” He slaps me over the shoulder and takes off. “Believe me, she’s nothing but trouble.”
For a second, I envision her nails digging into my back, her legs wrapped around me like a vine. I can’t wait for that moment with Kenny, but the truth is, she deserves a hell of a lot better than me.
Maybe she is nothing but trouble.
Maybe she’s the exact kind of trouble I’ve been looking for all along.
5
Kendall
Curl up and Dye