“And what?” She didn’t even try to stop the tears running freely down her face.
“I-I held Tennessee in my arms. He begged me not to let him die, so I promised I wouldn’t even though I knew . . . God, I knew I was lying to him. The last thing he said was, ‘I don’t blame you.’ But I looked in his ey-eyes . . .” He cleared his throat. “I looked in his eyes and saw the truth. He did blame me. If he didn’t, he’d have never said that. And he was right. I should have called the operation off or at least left him behind at the safe house. He was coming apart and I knew it.”
“Now you’re afraid to sleep because you’ll see him in your dreams?” When his eyes widened as if surprised she could know this, she shrugged. “When Logan got home after Evan was killed, he would cry out in his sleep.”
Jake picked up a small piece of driftwood and sent it flying over the tops of the waves. “Yeah. I’m kind of screwed up right now, but I’m trying to work my way through it.”
“Oh, Jake.” His eyes brimmed with tears, and she straddled his lap and held him close.
Pulling her tight against him, he pressed his lips to the top of her head. “I need you, Maria. I don’t deserve you, but I can’t let you go.”
She leaned her head away and peered at him. “That’s what all this has been all about? You pushed me away because you don’t believe you deserve me?”
“I know I don’t. God knows, I tried to give you up, leave you to find a better man than me.”
“And I thought I was stupid,” she muttered.
“Hey, now. You calling me stupid?”
“If the boots are the right size, you should put them on.”
He gave a rusty-sounding little laugh. “Don’t you mean if the shoe fits?”
“Whatever.” Maria hid her smile, pleased she’d gotten him to laugh. She lifted her face, hoping to see a hint of light back in his eyes.
He glanced away, out over the water. “Yeah, whatever. That about sums it up.”
“We all make mistakes of one kind or another. Yes, this one had the worst of consequences. Thing is, you can’t undo it. That leaves you two choices. You can let it ruin your life . . . wallow in your misery because you think that’s what you deserve. Or, not only can you learn from it, but you can find a way to honor Rick’s life.”
An idea occurred to her then, something that just might help him. She’d need to make a phone call, set everything up.
A muscle twitched in his jaw. “The thing is, the next time I’m about to step on a plane and find out you’re in danger, I’ll do exactly what I did before. I’ll come for you. That makes me a danger to my team.”
“Do you really believe Logan wouldn’t have done the same if it had been Dani? Do you think he’s a danger to the team?” She could tell he didn’t want to answer. If he did, he’d prove her point. Gah, men were so stubborn.
Finally, “Okay, I concede your point. Happy?”
“Deliriously. Your mistake wasn’t in not leaving when you were supposed to. You gave them their instructions, and you caught up with them in plenty of time. What you didn’t do was heed your instincts where Rick was concerned. I’ll bet you everything I own you’ll never make that kind of mistake again.”
When he didn’t agree, she tried again. “Rick had to know better than even you and Logan that he wasn’t ready to go on an operation, yet he kept his mouth shut about it. I suppose he was trying to prove otherwise, to the team and himself. You know, not able to admit such a thing to all you macho, ‘I eat nails for breakfast’ dudes. But we’re responsible for ourselves first and foremost. He should never have put you in that position. That’s what I think, anyway.”
At his silence, she stabbed a finger against his chest. “Am I wrong, Tiger Toes?”
“Next time you poke at me be prepared for the consequences.”
“Whatever,” she said just before his mouth came down on hers.
Jake hadn’t dared to believe she would ever let him kiss her again. Not after the way he’d treated her. When he’d walked up Kincaid’s driveway and seen her in the sexy red top that didn’t quite reach the waist of her little denim shorts—when did she start wearing a belly ring?—with the fringe hanging down her long, tanned legs, he’d lost any hope of uttering words.
All the things he’d thought to say when seeing her had joined the blood flowing south to below his waist. Wet from washing her car, her perky nipples had poked through her shirt and he’d just stood there, like an idiot gone even dumber, and stared. He’d heard and dismissed Kincaid’s “That’s my sister you’re wanting to bang” before the boss went into his house, slamming the door behind him.