He undid his pants, opening them just enough to get his hand down his underwear. "You have no idea what you do to me," he said.
I didn't, but I could. My skin tingled as he kissed me. I no longer had any urge to laugh. I reached out tentatively, fingering the waistband of his underwear as I worked up the courage. He paused, then stretched the elastic of his briefs to make room for me.
I put my hand in, grateful we were still kissing so I didn't have to look at his face, and wrapped my fingers around him. The skin down there was surprisingly soft. I had nothing to compare him to, but his penis seemed to go on and on. I'd seen two in my life. The summer between third and fourth grade, Alex Smith had come running out of the ocean and lost his trunks to the tide. The other time, I'd walked into my parents' bathroom as my dad was getting out of the shower. Where Alex's penis had been small and pink, like an eraser, my dad's had been larger than life, hairy and angry. I'd run away both times as if I'd been the one doing something wrong.
Corbin's was definitely not an eraser. I had no idea what to do with it, so I just held it. I couldn't ask him, because that would mean stopping our kiss and having to look him in the face. The longer I just stood there, the more uncomfortable I felt. The contents of my stomach sloshed as if they were swimming in alcohol. My palm began to sweat. Corbin was the one with experience, so why wasn't he doing anything? Was this how it was supposed to go?
The only other time I'd tried anything like this was with Manning, and he'd done nothing more than graze his hand up my thigh-but that was because he'd been fighting himself. I'd known, instinctively, I'd need to push Manning to get what I wanted. With Corbin, I was afraid to take the lead. What if I did, and I couldn't go through with this?
My stomach hurt. My chest. Everything in my body. Manning'd never liked me hanging around with Corbin, and from the look in his eyes earlier, that hadn't changed. I felt like I'd betrayed him somehow, even though I knew I hadn't. I hadn't even looked at another boy, and even if I had, who cared? Manning had held my sister's hand without her forcing him to.
I couldn't do this. I didn't want to, and it wasn't right. It wasn't us. It wasn't Manning. I took my hand out quickly, wiping it on my dress.
Corbin pulled back, looking offended by my reaction. "What's wrong?"
"I told you, I just . . . I'm not ready."
"But why?" He buckled up his pants, frowning. "We've been close for years. I've never even seen you look at anyone else. Why not me?"
My heart fell. I hadn't meant to lead Corbin on, but there was no doubt that was what I'd done. As long as people thought he was my boyfriend, they left me alone for the most part. And that was what I wanted. To be left alone by everyone but Manning. To save myself-not just my virginity but my heart, my soul, and everything in me . . . for Manning. How could I say that to Corbin? I couldn't. "I'm sorry."
"I flew all the way here from New York for you." He gestured behind himself. "I blew three hundred bucks on this room and spent an hour setting it up-I even went to Bath and Body Works and picked out that girly Juniper Breeze bubble bath you like."
"It's so sweet, and it means a lot that you did all this, but you didn't ask if-you knew I had plans to stay with my friends-"
"It was supposed to be a surprise," he said incredulously.
He sounded upset, even though I'd never even asked him to be my date, and that made me angry. "So I'm supposed to sleep with you just because you went through the trouble?" I asked. "That's a stupid reason."
His mouth dropped open. "I didn't mean it like that. Like that you owe me or anything. I just wanted you to, you know, feel special."
Corbin would respect whatever decision I made, but still-he'd assumed too much. That I'd be okay with this. That I wanted this. That he could swoop in and take away everything I'd been saving for someone else.
The air conditioning kicked on, blasting on my bare skin. I crossed my arms over my nipples, embarrassed by how hard they were. "I know that's not how you meant it," I said, "but I think I should go."
"Come on, Lake. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable." He picked up my wrist, running a finger under the strap of my corsage. I'd tried to take it off a few times tonight, but he wouldn't let me. The red petals matched those on the bed. "We're a good match. I've held back these past two years, waiting my turn. When other girls want more from me, I just see you."
I wished I could tell him the same was true for me, because I knew the agony of being in his position. Maybe it should've made me want to try with him, but instead it presented the horrific possibility that if I was feeling the same way about Manning as Corbin did about me, then maybe Manning's feelings for me equaled mine for Corbin. At the end of the day, they were nothing.