Some Sort of Crazy(71)

When I pulled up in her driveway, I still had no clear strategy.

My heart thumped hard as I knocked on her door. Fuck, I’d showered today, right? But had I put real pants on? Was my shirt clean? I looked down at myself. OK, the jeans were fine, and the light blue t-shirt appeared to be in decent shape, although I wished I’d have put a nicer one on.

She opened the door, and I couldn’t breathe. That feeling struck me again—that surge of longing to do everything at once. Hold her, kiss her, touch her, tell her everything, wrap her up in my arms and keep her there until she believed how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how hard I’d work to deserve her.

“Hi,” she said, her expression neutral. “Come on in.”

I followed her through the kitchen to her family room, noting not only the nice furniture but the books on the coffee table, the pictures on the walls, the healthy-looking plants in the corner. Damn, a white couch. Grownups had things like white couches and managed not to ruin them, didn’t they? I’d have already spilled salsa, dripped pizza sauce, and dumped beer on it. I sat down on it cautiously.

Natalie stared at me like I was nuts. “It’s a couch. It’s not going to bite you.”

“I know. It’s just so nice.”

She flopped down on the other end, not touching me, her legs tucked beneath her. “Thanks.”

“How are you feeling?” I sat forward and focused intently on her, eager to show her I could be less selfish than I’d been in the past.

“Fine, thanks.”

I stared at her, unnerved by her cool demeanor but also by her beauty. She wore no makeup and her hair drifted around her face in its usual unfussy waves, but her skin was smooth and radiant, her blue eyes wide and clear, her mouth full and soft. She was so alluring, I had to move closer and put a hand on her knee. I felt my dick jump in my pants and begged it not to bother me right now.

“Natalie, I’m sorry about earlier. I should have reacted better.”

“It’s OK.” She shrugged. “I know you were stunned. I certainly was.”

“Have you told your parents yet?”

She shook her head. “Just my sisters. I’ll tell them soon. After I decide what to do. But Miles…” She hesitated, playing with the hem of her loose black top. “I’m going to have the baby. I don’t know if I’ll give it up for adoption yet or not, but I’ve decided against the other alternative.”

I nodded, totally relieved. “I fully support you. And I’ll go with you when you tell your parents. You are not alone, Natalie. I’m going to do the right thing.”

Silence. “The right thing?”

I knew right away it wasn’t what she’d wanted to hear. But why not? Didn’t that prove I was a good guy? Someone worthy of her and the baby? I tried again. “Yes. I want to be here for you.”

She shook her head. “You can’t, Miles. You’re moving, remember?”

“Um. About that.” I rubbed a hand over my jaw. Crap, I should have shaved too. This was all so rushed! “I made that up, Natalie. I’m not really moving to San Francisco.”

“What? Why would you make that up?” Her eyes clouded with confusion.

“Because I was scared. I realized I had feelings for you that I’d never had for anyone before, and I panicked. I couldn’t tell you because you’d just broken up with Dan, and I knew you were just hanging out with me for fun.”

“Because that’s all you do,” she snapped. “You’ve told me repeatedly. Your life is about fun, not feelings.”

I held up my hands. ”Fair enough. I know I have said that in the past. But Natalie. Things are different now.” I could feel the sweat under my clothes, and my pulse was racing. “I love you.”

Her eyes went wide. “What?”

“I love you.” Goosebumps were breaking out all over my body.

“No, you don’t. You love yourself. You love cartoons and porn. You love your life. You love women.”

“I love you, Natalie. I’ve always loved you. Deep down, you know that.” This was not the way I imagined things went when a guy told a girl he loved her for the first time. Wasn’t she supposed to be happy about this? Wasn’t there kissing involved?

But Natalie was shaking her head. “That night at the restaurant. You were such a jerk to me. And later you told me it was because you were scared that I had feelings for you. And you wanted to protect me.”

The back of my neck got even hotter. “I know. That was bullshit. I was only protecting myself.”

Her lips made a straight line. “And the next day. When you drove me home and we said goodbye. That was another chance to tell me the truth. But you didn’t—you stuck with the lie.”