So Toxic(Bad Boy Next Door Book 4)(323)

Buck says he loves me, but I can’t put words to what I feel for him. And I can’t let it rule my heart or I’ll be broken all over again. Things are too garbled and fucked up for that. I have to steel myself to be strong, even though I want nothing more than to cry out my love for him as, once again, he takes me to the edge of paradise.





TWENTY-SIX





Lou’s green eyes search mine. They fill with tears, and she rolls away.

I wrap my arm over her and pull her to my chest.

I kiss her behind her ear. “What’s wrong, Babe?”

“I still don’t understand. If you cared, why didn’t you ever call? Or text? You were only a few hours away while I was stationed at Miramar—why didn’t you come see me?”

I roll her over to face me. I slide my thumb along her bottom lip, replacing my touch with my mouth. I taste her slowly, loving her with all the emotion built up in my heart. When I pull away, I stare into her eyes so she’ll see how much I mean what I’m about to say.

“I’ve missed you every day, Lou. Every. Single. Day. But we were young, and I didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. All I could offer was a struggle to make ends meet. I talked it over with Pops and Nan. After hashing it out, over and over, I realized it wouldn’t have been fair to you.”

She draws in a shaky breath. “What about later?”

“By the time I was making enough to support us both, you were a Marine. Nan and Pops kept me posted on what you were up to. It seemed like you were happy. I didn’t want to fuck that up for you. But I always hoped we’d get another try.”

Her eyes well with tears. “Life doesn’t give a lot of second chances, Buck.”

“But, Lou—you could give us a second chance. Couldn’t you?”





I pull out of Buck’s arms, sitting up and rubbing my chest as though that will calm the ache settling behind my sternum. “If only it were so easy.”

The backs of his knuckles brush my shoulder. “It could be.”

Buck’s aqua-marine eyes soften as he leans to me, kissing the place his fingers just grazed.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. “If it were possible to go back a few months, maybe it would be. But things are complicated now. You have to consider the baby. That’s a big thing.”

He flops backward, his hands covering his face. “I’m telling you. There’s just no way. It’s not my kid. The only person I’ve been with without protection is you, and that was just the other day at the fort.”

I let out a little huff. “You and I used a condom that first time, and I ended up pregnant. So, it can happen.”

“Well, it didn’t.”

I climb out of the bed, wrapping in my thin robe. “You need to at least entertain the possibility that it’s yours. And if it is, do you really want your kid growing up with only one parent? I mean, c’mon, Buck. Look at us. Is that what you want for your child?”

I turn to the dresser, dragging my brush through the ends of my hair, moving up in sections, taming my curls.

Buck steps behind me, catching my gaze in the reflection of the mirror.

He wraps his arms around me. “Even if it’s my kid, which it’s not, it’s not like I’m with Arianne. You and I can still have a life.”

His strong hands rest at my waist, the veins showing along his corded arms.

“I don’t know, Buck. I’m not sure how I’d feel about getting in the middle of a family. You should really consider working things out with your baby’s mother.” My chest tightens with the pain my words cause me.

He clenches his jaw, letting his breath seep between his teeth and tight lips. “Are you being difficult on purpose? Do you not want to be with me? If you don’t, it’s fine, just say so. I thought you did. Maybe I was wrong.”

I turn in his arms. “Of course I want to be with you. But, this isn’t about me. No one wanted me when I was a kid. It breaks my heart to think you wouldn’t do everything you can to be with your child all the time, to be there for every scraped knee, soccer trophy, and broken heart. Because that’s the Buck I know—the one who looked out for me all my life. He’d want that.”

He sets his jaw. “I’ll tell you what: If this baby turns out to be mine, even though it won’t, I promise I’ll do my best to be the dad you and I never had. To do right. But I want you in my life. This won’t be the first kid to live with parents who aren’t together. Especially in Hollywood.”

The look on his face is so hopeful. But even if that’s enough for him, I don’t know if I can be a party to that. It just seems wrong.