I pop open the button on my jacket and adjust it as I lean forward, propping an elbow on the edge of the desk. “Negatives?”
She nods. “Yes, for every positive trait, there’s a negative one that is every bit as important. Wouldn’t you say?”
I smile at the camera and lean closer. My jaw clenches, and I say under my breath, “This isn’t where I wanted this conversation to go.”
Ronnie gives me a look like she’s talking to a dimwit. “Well, sometimes things won’t always go your way.”
Then she turns to the audience. “Wouldn’t you ladies like to know what traits you should avoid like the plague?”
The ladies in the audience go wild. I shoot Eric, the producer, a look. He lifts his hands in a shrug.
Looking into the camera, I say, “And we’ll find out about those, right after this commercial break.”
Once I get the signal that we’re off the air. I turn to Ronnie. “What are you doing? We agreed to discuss the positive traits.”
She pats my hand. “I know. But since it’s my book, I decided it’s just as important to bring to light some of the things women should be careful of. I mean, no one wants to hook up with someone only to find out that they don’t have the same values.”
“Values?” What values?
“Oh, do I have a second or two to go pee before we’re back on the air?”
I slump and wave her offstage. “Ninety seconds.”
Ronnie hops up and dashes away.
“Be careful of the cables,” I call after her.
She’s avoiding me. I know it. She didn’t want to tell me why she sandbagged me, so she feigned bladder needs. I move to shake hands with a few audience members. Smile and nod. Shake. Smile and nod. Shake.
Eric signals me, so I leap onto the stage and take my seat. My foot taps as I wait for Ronnie to reappear. As Eric starts the count-down, she slips into her seat.
“Whew, that was close.” She smoothes her dress and straightens her shoulders.
I direct my attention to the camera.
“And we’re back.” I look to Ronnie. “So, Ronnie, you were changing the format on us. But that’s all right. It’s a valid point. Women should know what to steer clear of as well as what to be attracted to.”
Let’s see what I can do to salvage this conversation.
She nods slightly, her expression serious. “Actually, the negative traits might be even more important to discuss than the positives.”
The vice grip on my lungs cranks tighter. “Please…enlighten us.”
I swallow hard when she narrows her eyes ever so slightly and her mouth hardens the smallest amount.
Then she draws in a deep breath and turns toward the audience.
“Well, there are the obvious ones. The man of your dreams should be in the market for a long-term relationship, the same as you. No sense in wasting your precious time on a guy who wants to hit it and quit it.”
Again, the audience applauds. It’s like she just speared me with her stare. I flip through my useless note cards. “Well, a woman should also keep in mind that some men may start out like that, but people change.”
Ronnie huffs and crosses her arms as her eyebrows draw together. She pushes her chair around so it faces the audience. “Can I speak candidly, Jack?”
I cough. I am so going to regret this, but I can’t exactly tell her no while we’re live. “Of course.”
Her eyes meet mine over her shoulder. “Ladies, the fact is, you should never fall for a guy whose depth can be measured by the length of his cock.”
Eric throws his hands in the air.
Ronnie must’ve seen him, because she leans closer and asks, “Oh, can I say cock on television?”
We’ll get a big, fat fine for that one. “You just did. Twice.”
Eric’s eyes go wide. He face-palms.
I should have insisted that we tape this segment. What the fuck was I thinking?
“All right, so all in all, the advice is to be careful who you set your sights on, ladies. Now let’s move on to those positive traits.”
She holds up a finger. “Wait. I have one more that we really need to discuss.”
Ronnie stands and turns her chair to face me again.
I rub the back of my neck. I wonder if anyone will notice if I get up and leave.
I inhale deeply. “Okay, but let’s talk about at least one positive trait.”
Ronnie tilts her head. “This ought to be good coming from you, a self-proclaimed confirmed bachelor.”
I grab the book, pointing to it. “Chapter fourteen. Protectiveness. A man should be willing to stand between his woman and danger. Right?”
Ha. I fit that one at the very least. Dispute that, Peaches.