So. Long(69)

The heaviness in my brain pulls me under its cloak.

Lights flash on the other side of my eyelids, but they’re too heavy to lift and check out what’s going on.

“Fuck, Hardick, you’re a heavy son of a bitch. Wake your ass up and help me. I’m a one-legged motherfucker. I can’t haul your drunk ass everywhere.”

I crack one dry eye enough to see Romans’ ugly mug. “Back the fuck off, man. You’re in my space.”

“Your space is in this cab—this guy wants his seat back. Roll the fuck outta there.”

I fall out of the cab.

Damn. The ground is way closer than I thought it’d be.

I manage to get to my feet, but almost trip. “Hey, who wrinkled the pave-pave-mint?”

“This way, Hardick.” Romans calls. “Follow the sound of my voice. We’re gonna get you inside before you pass out and I have to leave your ass in the street for the night.”

I pry my eyes open. Kelsey’s front door beckons me.

Her house staggers toward me, while the walkway grabs at my feet.

Hands grip my arms, but I won’t be deterred. I twist out of Romans’ grasp.

“I need to tell her.” I cup my hands around my mouth and holler. “Kelsey! Beau-ful Girl, c’mere! You need to know sumpin’.”

“Dude. You’re going to wake the neighbors.”

“Fuck the neighbors. Kelsey!” I manage to out-maneuver Romans and get to her porch first. “Ha! I beat you, mutha- fuckah.”

“Kiss my crippled ass. I only have one leg. Beating me anywhere ain’t much to brag about.”

Banging on her door, I lean my forehead against it as I yell. “Beau-ful Girl! I need you.”

The light flips on and suddenly, I’m falling—face-first into Kelsey’s entryway.

Whoa.

“What on Earth?” Her sweet voice is a balm to my buzzing head.

“I’m so sorry. I tried to get his drunk ass to his house, but—”

“Romans, stop.” I hold up a hand. “We needa t-t-talk, Kels.”

A little black and white face peeks around Kelsey’s ankle.

Kelsey says, “From here, it looks like you need to go to bed.”

“Firsly, I havta tell you…I don’t wanchoo to go on da-dates with other fuckers. I mean, guys. I’m the only man you need. Sides, I’m the daddy.”

I roll to my back so I can see her beautiful fa—

Oops. Wish I hadn’t done that.

Hard, blue eyes glare, and her mouth is a thin line.

“Sorry, Adam, but you don’t always get what you want. And I’ll be the one to decide what I need.”

“But I-I-I love you, Kels-Kelskey.”

She lets out a huff and crosses her arms. “Just because you finally got your rocks off, doesn’t mean you love me. That’s the liquor talking for your dick.”

I shake my head as my heart shrivels. “No. You gotta—I havta make ya understand—”

“I do understand, Adam. What you love is your cock getting its own. But don’t worry. Now that you’ve worked through that issue, I’m sure you won’t have that problem with anyone else. You’re probably good to go from here forward. And don’t worry about that daddy thing. I’ll take care of that.”

My mouth feels numb, so I touch it, to make sure it’s still there.

It’s there. Maybe she just can’t hear me right.

I talk louder to help her out. “No. Thas not it.”

“Shush. You’re going to wake up Clarissa.”

“Aw. I wanna see Clarissa. She’s so freaking cu-cute.” I twist to catch Romans’ attention. “Dude! Kelsey has the sleetest lil’ girl. Quiet, but f-fucking awesome. I love that Pip.”

She tosses a disgusted look to Romans. “Take him home. Please.”

Suddenly, the world blacks out, and my nose sears with pain as a spiked trap clamps down on it. A handful of little needles stab my face and a couple dig into my ear. “Yow! What the hells?”

“Oh my gosh. Chloe! No. Bad kitty.” Kelsey drags the cat from my face, tiny claws surely leaving permanent marks across my cheeks.

I grab my nose. “That lil’ sh-shit bit me.”

Rex pushes his hands beneath me. “C’mon, Hardick. You’re gonna have to help me get you vertical.”

I’m exhausted. All of my energy is gone, and I can’t think no more. “I don’t wanna be versical. Jus lemme shleep here.”

I roll into a ball.

I’ll only nap for a minute. Then I’ll convince Kelsey that I love her, not just my cock.





TWENTY-ONE





I shut the bedroom door to block the whiskey-wheeze coming from the living room.

At least we were able to get him completely inside, instead of half in and half out of the doorway. His friend from the fundraiser seemed fine with leaving him on my porch, if need be. Of course, he wasn’t exactly sober either.