I swallow the lump in my throat, my stomach knotting itself thrice over.
The last thing I need to do is add alcohol. “Thanks, but I’ll pass.”
When we sit to eat, I lay my napkin in my lap and smooth it over my thighs, then I pick it up and turn it the other direction and do it again.
Adam casts me a wary look. “Did you kick Spike on your way inside?”
What the hell? “Why would I do that?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. You kinda look like you kicked a puppy and are feeling bad about it.”
I cut a piece of my steak and shove it into my mouth, buying some time.
Eventually, Adam’s plate is empty, and mine looks like an armadillo has been rooting around in my food.
He stands and reaches for my plate. I snatch it away and rush to the sink, dumping the contents down the disposal and flipping the switch as though I’m in a race.
Adam comes up behind me, his warm body enveloping mine from behind as his arms come around my waist and he pulls me against him. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”
Leigh’s words drift through my mind. “How do you even know he doesn’t want the same things as you? Have you asked?
He gives me a light squeeze as if to remind me he’s waiting.
I pull in a deep breath, preparing to make one last-ditch effort to salvage what was lost before it started.
“I have a question—it’s not a trick, and I’m not necessarily talking about me or right now, but…”
He turns me to face him. “But?”
“Do you think you’ll ever settle down? Get married? Have kids? Or would you even want to?”
In less time than it takes a flea to jump, he’s on the other side of the kitchen, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.
“Sorry. I was just curious.” I let out a ragged breath. “I—I think you and I are heading in two different directions.”
His grin is as charming as ever. “The only place I’m heading is to the bedroom, once the dishes are in the sink.”
“Yeah. I know. That’s the problem.” I force a smile.
His brow furrows. “It wasn’t a problem the last forty or fifty times we’ve—you know.”
I lift one shoulder. “I know. But I have Clarissa. I should be looking for a real relationship, not just someone to curl my toes.”
“I curl your toes, eh?” The mischief in his voice deepens my guilt.
I shake my head. “You’re a mess.”
“But a toe-curling mess?”
Heat sweeps to my cheeks as I roll my eyes and let out a sigh. “Yes. But that isn’t enough.”
His mood shifts, and his gaze drops to the floor. “Am I ever settling down or getting married? I don’t know. Having kids? That’s an even bigger mystery. I can’t tell you where I’ll be this time next month, much less five or ten years down the road. I’m taking life one breath at a time.”
The cold, familiar hand of reality grabs my heart, slowing it and filling me with regret that I’m not in a different place in life—a place that would allow me to be along for the ride. I wish I had the freedom to take life as it comes, not worrying about the future, mine or anyone else’s. But I don’t have that freedom. When Clarissa came along, that was the end of that.
I have to put her first. It’s my only choice. One I made when I chose to become a mother.
“I really like you. I do. You’re a great guy. And Clarissa really loves you—and—and that’s why we need to stop this.”
“You want to stop seeing me? Because you really like me, and Clarissa loves me?”
“Yes.” The weight in my stomach grows.
He shakes his head. “I don’t get it.”
I twist my fingers behind my back. “I’m sorry. I have to do what’s best for her—and me. And—I think—I need to find someone who’s looking for the same things I am. A family. A future.”
He holds up his hands with his fingers splayed as if he’s letting go of something. “If that’s what you want. I’d never stand in the way of your happiness. And I can’t make promises for the future. I can’t even make promises for next week. So, by all means—do whatever you need to do.”
In the span of a blink, his demeanor changes again. It’s like a shutter slams over his charm, and a fence goes up around him, right before my eyes.
But he seems to shake it off and grins. “Still friends, right?”
“We’re neighbors. Of course, we’ll be friends.” I force a smile.
“And we can still do friend things?”
“I have no idea what friend things are, but sure. We’ll do friend things.”