So. Long(133)
That dog needs to visit the vet. There’s something wrong with his gastrointestinal health. I lay my arm over my nose and mouth.
I deserve it, though. I should have to breathe bad-fart air. My life should reflect my personality. I’m a complete asshole.
I swipe my screen and end the call. “Fuck it. It’s been three days. She’s not going to answer.”
Bax grunts and takes another swig of his beer.
“What?” I ask.
“Don’t be a pussy. She’s your woman. Go get her.”
“A pussy? Are you fucking kidding me?”
He stares at me. “Look, just because things aren’t going the way I’d like with my own life, it doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about. She ran because she wants you to come get her.”
“No. She ran because she hates my face. She doesn’t want to see me. Hell, she probably can’t stand to hear my fucking name. It was just a joke. How was I supposed to know I’d fall for her?”
Bax drops his head. “Don’t ask me. I can’t even talk the girl I want into another fuck. I thought it was good. I thought we had fun. I thought she was attracted to me. All I want is a fuck or two more. Is that too much to ask?”
I shake my head. “We’re quite the pair. Two dicks, pissing into the wind.”
I wrap the blanket tighter around my legs.
Gee-Gee hands me a cup of hot cocoa. “Here, Baby Girl.”
I pat the sofa cushion right next to me. “Come watch with me?”
She sits and takes me into her arms, hugging me tightly. “Why do you watch his show every night if you say you don’t have feelings for him?”
I pull in a breath and hold it, count to three, and let it out slowly. “Because—I don’t know. I just do.”
The commercial break between shows ends, and Jack’s house band plays his theme song. The audience erupts into applause.
He unbuttons his jacket and takes his seat. He looks into the camera. “I’m skipping the introductory segment this evening. It’s time to get down to business.”
More cheering.
What is he doing? This isn’t the normal format for his show.
He sucks in a deep breath through his nose, and then lets the air seep out between tight lips. “A few weeks ago, on this program, we had two very special guests. I nicknamed them Love ‘Em and Leave ‘Em.”
I cover my lips with my fingertips. Lord. What is he doing?
He picks up my book, showing it to the audience. “This is a wonderful self-help book written by Ms. Ronnie Fitz, or Love ‘Em as I dubbed her. It’s a book detailing ways a woman can catch and keep the love of her life.”
I try to swallow the brick lodged in my throat.
A clip from my first guest appearance comes on screen. Just enough to get the idea of what Shayna does, and how the bet came about.
The bet. Of course. He has to address that. Sunday is Valentine’s Day, so this is the show that we were supposed to meet on-air with the results.
My teeth grind.
When the clip is over, Jack comes on screen. “So, we made a bet. Most of my viewers know I love a good practical joke every now and then.”
The studio fills with clapping and whistling.
Jack motions for the crowd to calm down. “Well, I thought it would be fun to pull a fast one on our two unsuspecting players in this bet. So, unbeknownst to Love ‘Em and Leave ‘Em, I hired this man.”
A photo of Dave pops onto the screen for a few seconds.
“This man is an actor. His job was to pose as a regular guy. Love ‘Em was supposed to attract and hopefully get him to fall for her. Then we were to send Leave ‘Em in to try to entice him away from Ms. Fitz.”
Jack steeples his hands in front of his mouth for a moment, while the audience calms again after more cheering. When they quiet, he says, “Now, not only did I hire this man, but I also made fairly certain that no matter what techniques these ladies employed, he wouldn’t truly be enticed by either of them.”
My blood simmers on low, just thinking about all that time I wasted on dates with Dave.
Jack continues. “I not only hired someone, rather than the subject being a random person, as the ladies were led to believe, but I hired this actor specifically, because I happen to know that he’s gay.”
There are a few gasps from the audience, but then they again burst out in laughter and more applause.
Jack hangs his head for a moment. Then he looks directly into the camera. “You see, I set up these two ladies for sport. I’m a complete jerk for doing so. I know it. They know it.”
You bet your ass I know it.
He pinches the bridge of his nose for a moment, and then his attention comes to the camera. “When I first looked over Ronnie Fitz’s book, I thought it was a load of crap. I thought there was no solid basis for her theories. That’s why I didn’t have a problem playing a joke on her and her friend. But here’s the thing: I was wrong.”