I wrapped my tongue around him and sucked, waiting for more.
“I-I have a noose to remind me what ended my life as I knew it.”
I stopped, popping him out of my mouth and standing up. This wasn’t the time for a conversation this serious. I knew his tattoos meant a lot to him, and every one of them meant something extremely personal.
“Why did you stop?”
I caressed him softly from root to tip. “I want to hear everything you have to say. It’s important to me.” I touched the car symbol he’d referred to, then the noose. My fingers traveled up his neck, where a large tree branched out.
“It’s to remind me of my family,” he said. “That they are my family tree, what my past is, but that I am my own man. I got that when I was feeling rather hopeful.”
“That’s great. You should remember that more often. It’s true, you know. Who your family was or the choices they made do not have to define you.” I reached around him and turned off the faucet. “Let’s get out.”
We dried ourselves quietly, both of us lost in our heads.
Beau stood in front of the mirror; the towel slung low on his hips. I came up next to him, and we both peered at each other’s reflections. “I had a vasectomy when I was twenty years old.” I sucked in a breath, even though I already knew that from Natalie. He’d trusted me enough to tell me. That was huge.
I nodded. “You didn’t want to take a chance of a child having the kind of life you did.”
Beau grimaced. “But it happened anyway.”
“Beau, you can’t change what happened. You were young and stupid. You didn’t think.”
“Because I was young and stupid my son has grown up feeling unloved and unwanted. He was born addicted to drugs, for God’s sake. What if he has lifelong effects from that? He’s bounced from home to home. He didn’t think his father cared about him.”
“He knows the truth now. You can’t look back, Beau. If all you do is think about the past, you’re never going to be able to write your future. Look at where you are now, not where you’ve been. The future is bright.”
“I have Robbie,” he said. “I can’t ever have other children.”
I shook my head. “That doesn’t matter.”
His face changed. “You say that now, April. You’re young, and you’ll want your own family. Then you’ll resent me because I can’t. I’m damaged goods.”
I grabbed his face so fast he gasped. “Beau Anderson, listen to me. Are you listening? I want you. I want you and Robbie.”
“But . . .” I kissed him instead of letting him finish. When we parted, I smiled.
“There are so many kids that need families, Beau. Way before I met you, I’d always wanted to adopt. So believe me when I say that despite what you think, I’m not going to resent you. I couldn’t.”
“I never wanted a child,” Beau said. “But now . . .”
We heard rustling at the door as he trailed off. We both turned as we heard the bedroom door bounce against the wall.
“What the?” Beau opened the bathroom door and scanned the room. The door was still moving after being violently shoved against the wall. “What happened? Robbie?”
It was then that we both froze, our gazes locked on each other. He’d been standing at the door. He’d heard us. He’d heard Beau say he never wanted a child.
“Fuck.” He ran out of the bathroom with me right on his heels. “Robbie!”
We stopped in the doorway of his room, but he wasn’t there. Beau ran to the front door, seeing it wide open. We looked back and forth but didn’t see a sign of him anywhere.
Beau began running back to the room. “I need some clothes! Hurry! We have to find him!”
On the way back to the room to get dressed, I stepped on Robbie’s dog in the hallway. He’d left it and ran. What had we done?
I ran out the door seconds after Beau. I’d pulled on a dress and sandals, not bothering with anything else. Beau had started running left out of my house so I turned right, my eyes swinging back and forth searching for Robbie. Oh, my God, we’d been so stupid. It wasn’t what Beau meant, of course, but to a child like Robbie who didn’t trust easily and didn’t feel loved, hearing that was the same as us dropping him back off at the group home.
I knew he would probably find a little nook or cranny to hide in. I slowed down, my chest heaving. I gripped my phone in my hand, hoping Beau would call me and tell me he found Robbie. I looked back toward my house, praying he’d be standing there waiting for me to find him. No such luck.