“Hang on. I’ll be right back.”
Natalie nodded, understanding my intent. I walked into the kitchen and watched April, her back to me. My heart ached, and my head hurt. What was I supposed to do here? I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I should do. They weren’t the same thing.
“April.” It was all I could muster, but she heard me. She stiffened for a second before turning slightly, her gaze wary. She dried her hands on the towel and put them on either side of her, gripping the counter as she waited to see what I wanted.
My tongue was tied as I thought of all of the things I could say to her. Things I wanted to say to her but couldn’t find the words. I stepped closer to her, watching as her eyes widened just a fraction and her chest began to rise and fall rapidly. My chest constricted painfully as I took in every feature of her beautiful face.
I’d come in here to ask her to be a part of our conversation with Robbie. After all, she’d been part of this since the beginning. Her being in there would make Robbie more comfortable. Standing here within feet of April, my heart warred with my brain on what I wanted to say.
I knew it wasn’t the time. Robbie was waiting for me, wondering what I wanted to talk to him about. But she was standing there, looking so scared and unsure and . . . so fucking beautiful that I couldn’t pretend anymore.
I closed the space between us with just a few steps and she tried to back up but couldn’t with her back against the counter. She stared at me, waiting, and I knew I was the king of mixed signals right now. I took her hand, kissing the palm while she watched me wordlessly. I closed my eyes against the smell of her infiltrating my senses. The thought of never seeing her face again made me want to groan in pain. That’s what I’d been doing when I tried to kill myself. I was saying that my pain was bigger than April’s, bigger than Robbie’s, bigger than everyone’s. I knew it wasn’t me during that time, but I’d still caused her to feel the way she did right now.
“I’m sorry.” I held her palm against my face. Thank goodness that the first thing I’d done was go to a barber and get my hair and beard cut. I was myself again.
A small noise escaped from April’s lips, and I lifted my eyes to hers. Tears pooled in her eyes but she didn’t move or speak. She waited, and I realized I owed her more than just an apology.
“I want you to be in there when I tell him,” I explained, taking her hand and lacing the fingers of my good hand through it. She didn’t argue, so I continued. I was going against every single thing I’d sworn I’d do, but for once in my life I was following my heart.
She nodded, her eyes dropping to our linked hands. Doing so made tears track down her cheeks. Without thinking, I pulled her body close to mine and breathed her in. She hesitated for a moment, her body rigid until she fought through it. I understood exactly how she felt.
“I don’t deserve you, April. I know I don’t.”
I leaned my forehead against hers, hearing our harsh breathing as we both processed what we wanted to happen. “I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I put you through that day. There’s no excuse for what I did, and I won’t pretend there is. This whole time, I was coming up with all the reasons why I couldn’t be with you, why it wasn’t what was best for you. But now . . .”
April lifted her face so all I would have to do was dip my head slightly and I’d be kissing her. Tears continued a steady path down her face and dripped on our entwined hands. “Now what?” Her voice was raw.
“Seeing you has made every single one of them go out the window. I know I don’t deserve you, but I want you. God, April, I want you.”
She shuddered, biting her lip as she fought for control. Was this when she turned me down and said she couldn’t do this with me? I’d deserve it if she did. She released her hand from mine, and I stepped back, my heart in my feet. This was it. She was done. What had I expected? She could have any man she wanted. What did she want with someone as broken as me?
April shook her head, stepping closer to me as I put space between us. “Stop,” she said. “You’re misunderstanding. Come here.” She put one arm around my waist and pulled me until there was no space between us. She then took her hands and put them on either side of my face, her eyes roving over every part of my face as I watched, unable to breathe as I waited. “I was so scared, Beau,” she whispered, her fingers moving softly on the hair on my face.
“I’m . . .”
April put her finger over my lips to silence me, then leaned forward and kissed me softly. My heart ballooned, feeling premature hope. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I understand.”