Beau
THEY SAID I could get out of here today if I promised to stay in the area for another week and come to daily therapy sessions. I’d said anything I could to convince them to let me out of here. I’d seriously go out of my mind if I didn’t see the sunshine, my band, my sister, and a set of drums soon. I was as ready as I was going to get to confront the hard things in my life: Robbie and April.
My stomach clenched as I thought of Robbie. I knew Natalie hadn’t told him why she had him at April’s house. I was going to have to tackle that. Dr. Viola, Dr. Grant, and I had been working on that for the last several days, and I knew what I had to do. That didn’t mean I felt confident or assured of raising a child, but I knew it was what my job had to be now. Robbie didn’t ask to be born or left by a mom who chose drugs over him. I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the person who chose myself and my insecurities over him, either.
What was it going to be like to see April again? She had my son at her house which meant I’d be staying there, too, so facing her was inevitable. My fingers itched to touch her smooth skin, and my body had woken up aroused more times than not over the last week after dreaming of sinking into her warmth. But I held fast to the opinion she could do better than me. I wasn’t sure what would happen once I saw her in front of me, though. I’m sure I’d hurt her by not allowing her to see me while I was in the hospital. It was bad enough she had to witness me attempting to kill myself; she didn’t deserve to be saddled with me while I figured out where my life went from here.
But I ached for her in every way possible.
The door opened, and I turned, expecting it to be Dr. Grant with my release papers or Natalie. Instead, I came face to face with Dr. Knight, April’s father. I stopped short, my feet squeaking on the linoleum as we had a silent conversation.
“Beau,” Dr. Knight said, shutting the door behind him. “You’re looking well, son.”
I appeared to be a lumberjack who had lost his flannel shirt. I needed a razor and STAT. Not to mention a good meal and a nice hot shower. Oh, and maybe about three days of sleep. He reached his hand out, and I shook it with my good hand, my mind racing a thousand miles an hour. What was he doing here? What did he know?
“Dr. Knight. How did you know I was here?” Might as well get right to the point.
“Let’s sit.” He indicated the chairs where I’d spent way too many hours already talking. I’d talked more in the last week than I had my entire life. Even Dr. Mia had gotten involved, being part of a few of my therapy sessions via Skype.
I obeyed, afraid not to for fear the man might kill me.
“April came to me a few days ago. I’ve never seen her so upset. She looked like she hadn’t eaten in a week, or slept for that matter.”
My gut clenched. I had done that to her. If there was ever a moment I was sure letting her go was the right thing to do, it was right now. “Sir, I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“Beau, if there are a few things I understand, it’s that sometimes life gives you curveballs you can’t anticipate. You know the story of how I met my wife, right?” I nodded. “And you also know that my oldest daughter, Lucia, died of a brain tumor at the age of four.” I nodded again, not trusting my voice. “I didn’t anticipate falling in love with Sophie. I had no control over it whatsoever. If I had to guess, that’s what happened with you and April.” He paused, and I thought about what he said. Did I love her? Did I even know what love meant? I wasn’t sure.
“Dr. Knight.” He held up his hand, effectively silencing me.
“Let me finish. You didn’t anticipate falling in love. It wasn’t part of your plan. You shut yourself off from trying to connect with people because of what happened to you as a child and the difficulties you’ve had since then. You didn’t think anyone would understand you, much less want to support you through it. But then you met April. You saw there was something about her, and she made you feel like a man again. You fell for her, and you fell hard. That was a big enough step in itself, and one you still haven’t entirely admitted. But then you found out you have a son you never knew about, and he’s had a rough life. He suffers like you do. You couldn’t cope. You had no tools left to use to dig yourself out of that hole, so you gave up instead. You shut down and tried to end your life. Now, you find yourself at a crossroads. You have a son you need to take responsibility for, but you don’t think you’re capable of doing so. You have a woman who loves you, but you don’t think she should because you think you’ve hurt her beyond repair. You think you’re both better off without each other, since you don’t know how to manage yourself, much less this new child who doesn’t know you’re his dad and this woman who witnessed you at the lowest point of your life. How am I doing so far?”