“Is he awake?”
She shook her head. “No. He’s sedated. They want him to rest.”
I dropped into a chair next to Bex, my legs unable to hold me anymore. “This is all my fault.”
Bex put a hand on my back. “It’s not your fault, April.”
I lifted weary eyes to her. “If I hadn’t encouraged him to talk to Robbie . . .”
“We don’t know what triggered this.” Natalie spoke from the other side. “And you can’t blame yourself. It’s been a long time since it was this bad, but this isn’t the first time he’s had episodes like this.”
“Has he tried to kill himself before?”
“No,” Natalie said. “That’s a definite escalation.” She shook her head. “I just don’t get it. He couldn’t wait to come up here with you and see Robbie. When I saw you two at our house . . .”
Bex reached out her hand for Natalie. “This isn’t your fault, either. You couldn’t have seen this coming. None of us could’ve. Instead of us focusing on the what-ifs, let’s focus on helping Beau through whatever this is. How long will they keep him in psych?”
“I don’t know. They will evaluate him and see what he needs. The doctor seemed to think he would need inpatient care for at least a week to assess him and make sure he’s stable enough to be on his own. I called his psychiatrist at home and left her a message, too, so she would know.”
Johnny and Tanner were quiet, both of them listening to us discuss what was going to happen with Beau.
“Can we see him?” I needed to put my eyes on him and know he was breathing. After seeing him so still and so lifeless had scared me shitless, I needed reassurance.
“Not yet,” Natalie said. “They don’t want any of us seeing him until he’s evaluated by psych tomorrow. Right now, we need to try to find out what happened. The more information we give them, the better it will be. It’s likely Beau won’t remember what happened or what he did, but once he does, they need to have the tools to help him.”
I thought of Robbie and my heart broke. That child had already been through enough, and I didn’t want to force him to talk to me if something traumatic had spurred Beau’s reaction, but I had to try to talk to him. “I’m going to go to the group home and talk to Robbie. Can one of you take me? My car is there.”
Natalie nodded. “I will. I drove separately from the rest of them, anyway. I’m going to leave my number with the nurses in case something happens, but we can’t see him until tomorrow so we might as well try to figure out what happened.”
“You can stay with me,” I said automatically. “As long as you need to.”
“We got a hotel already,” Bex said. “Our nanny is there with the kids. But thank you, April. We’re going, too, as long as you’re okay with it.” I nodded. They wanted to find out what had triggered him as much as I did. I wasn’t going to deny them.
Heath stepped into place behind us as we walked out of the waiting room. Just as we got to the lobby, I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw the crowd outside the front doors. “What the . . .”
Heath swore behind us and pulled out his phone. After a few seconds, he turned to us. “It’s out. The press is out there. Someone saw Jaded Regret coming into this hospital minus Beau, and someone else said they had a picture of him standing in the middle of traffic.”
“Fuck,” Johnny said. “All he fucking needs is to be accosted by the goddamn media. What should we do?”
“I’m going to need to call Allan,” Natalie said. “He’ll have to do damage control. We’ll ask him if he wants us to put out a statement.”
“Hold on one second,” Heath said, stepping to a nurses’ station. Within moments, he had hospital security leading us out an emergency exit and to the cars without anyone seeing us.
I ached to hold Beau’s hand in mine and tell him I loved him.
Wait.
Did I love him?
It wasn’t the first time I’d thought the l-word, but it was the first time I’d wanted to express it to Beau. Was it too soon to say I loved him? I didn’t know, but I knew I wasn’t putting a timeline on my feelings. If I hadn’t been sure before, I was sure now. Being faced with a life without Beau had made me realize I loved him.
“Here’s my car,” Natalie said. Heath would follow us in the band’s blacked-out Escalade.
I sat, eyes straight ahead as Natalie turned the ignition on and pulled out of the parking garage. The emotional overload of the day caught up with me, and I began shuddering. Resting my head in my hands, I closed my eyes. “I love him, Natalie.” It felt good to say it out loud. “I know that sounds ridiculous . . .”