You need to tell her. Everything. Once she knows the truth, she’ll know you’re a piece of shit. She’s a young woman with a future ahead of her.
I shook my head, ridding the thoughts from my head. April and I hadn’t figured out how we’d do this long distance. I didn’t need to bare all my secrets to her.
“Beau.” April lifted our joined hands and kissed mine, shaking me out of my head.
I smiled at her, kissing her hand back. She seemed pacified, turning her attention back to the road as she pulled into the small amusement park. I could see batting cages, mini golf, and multiple go-kart tracks. A large building sat to the side, more than likely full of video games.
A kid’s heaven.
Robbie’s eyes were wide as April parked the car. He was taking everything in, and I could understand that. Ripples of excitement rolled through me. How stupid was that? Here I was, an almost thirty-year-old man and I felt like I was five.
“Ready?” I held open Robbie’s door. April’s silent conversation earlier had told me I needed to step it up with Robbie today. He responded to me for some reason, and I needed to be the person April thought I was and show her I could do this with him. It had been my idea, after all.
He nodded, stepping out. His eyes zeroed in on the cars zooming around the track, then moved to the mini golf course. “Can we do that?”
I followed his gaze. “We can do whatever you want.” April nodded.
Then Robbie shocked the hell out of me and slipped his small hand into mine as we walked toward the building to buy tickets. April was walking on the other side of me, and when I squeezed her fingers, her eyes met mine. Tears sparkled in her eyes.
“You’re incredible,” she whispered into my ear.
I’d never felt better in my life.
“You drive,” Robbie said.
“Are you sure?”
April stood behind the gate, watching us. We’d done single go karts several times, and now Robbie and I were going to go on the double one together, so she decided to stay back. I hadn’t missed her phone in her hand snapping pictures of us as we waited, but I wondered what was so picture worthy.
“Yes. I want to ride with you.”
I smiled. My head had been blissfully quiet since we’d gotten here with Robbie. He’d been nothing but wonderful the whole time, from playing mini golf to eating greasy amusement park food. He’d said a few words to April, though most of his conversation was directed only to me.
“Beau?” Robbie’s adorable eyes met mine. His fingers twisted together. He still hadn’t removed his jacket. The child had to be hot as hell.
“Yes?”
“Is this . . . is this what it’s like to have a dad?”
My heart clenched. You’re a worthless piece of shit, just like him. You should kill yourself, too. You shouldn’t even be here. I tapped my fingers on the rail in front of me as we waited, trying to control my breathing and push the voice right out of my head.
“I don’t know,” I said truthfully.
Robbie bit his lip, nodding his head. “We have that in common. Well, we can pretend, right? Hey, we can pretend I’m your kid.”
I lay back on the table. “Are you sure?” The doctor looked over at the nurse and then back to me. “You’re so young.” I closed my eyes, seeing visions of my dad swinging from the doorway, a belt wrapped around his neck. “Do it,” I said. “Just do it.” I couldn’t ever do that to someone else. I wasn’t taking the chance.
April must’ve sensed my stress or had seen my body language because she appeared next to us. “Everything okay?” She spoke low enough for just me to hear.
I needed her. I knew myself enough to know things were headed south in a big way. “April,” I barely got out. She turned and pressed her body against mine, wrapping her arms around me.
“Beau.” Her sweet breath caressed my face with her words. “Open your eyes and see me standing here, supporting you.” I fought to listen to her and stop the downward spiral that was imminent. “Come on. Whatever it is, let it go. We’re here together. We’re having fun doing something you’ve always wanted to do.”
When my eyes stayed closed, her lips touched mine and her fingers went through the short hair on the sides of my head. “It’s almost your turn. Robbie is watching us. Come on, Beau. Let it go.”
That was when I felt a small hand on my arm. “Beau? Are you sick?”
Fucking worthless waste of space.
I forced my eyes open. April’s concerned face was the first thing I saw. I looked down at Robbie, who was watching me with an understanding that shredded me. This child shouldn’t understand what I felt like. He should never know the pain that lived inside of me.